Saints Receive Bowl Invitation

The hapless New Orleans Saints received their first bowl invitation in team history today--organizers of the P&G Toilet Bowl asked the Saints to participate in the annual event "every year, in perpetuity", a team spokesman revealed.

"We thought about it, and I think we'll accept the offer," said Jim Haslett, coach of the Saints. "It was either this, or try to use our skill and talent to make it to the Super Bowl. Hey! You in the back! I don't remember asking you to laugh!"

Although it is unclear at this point against which team the Saints will play, the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals also have standing invitations to the bowl. In the event that all three teams decide to participate, bowl planners will allow them all to take the field simultaneously. "Nobody will reach the endzone anyway," said Mike Morley, founder of the P&G Toilet Bowl. "And I think the stadium will be able to accommodate the extra dozen or so fans."

(A special TDS senior correspondent and Louisiana bureau chief contributed to this report.)

Insurgents Branch Out

Iraq-based insurgents have expanded their operations in order to take advantage of the unique economic and cultural situations in a rapidly-evolving Cradle of Civilization, various wire reports indicate.

In Mosul, where the electric supply grid is notoriously prone to sudden spikes in voltage, local rebels have begun selling "Arabian Star Insurgent Protectors". And in Basra, once the cultural capital of Iraq, a low-ranking mullah has brought Insurgio Rossi-brand jeans, as well as Insurgio Garcia golf and leisure wear, to market. But perhaps the most brazen of the corporate piracy has taken place in Baqubah, where Mahmoud Abbas has released "Like an Insurgent (Jihadin' for the Very First Time)", which has gone straight to the top of the Iraqi charts and has provided much-needed revenue for the insurgent cause.

The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation on the ground, and will report back as events warrant.

Clinton Endorses Use of Medical Marijuana

Former President Bill Clinton has been giving speeches endorsing the use of marijuana by those with special medical needs, sources close to Clinton tell The Daily Scoffer. An excerpt from a speech that Clinton gave on Saturday to the Federated Septuagenarians of Rochester reads:

"Yes, when I was a greenhorn I tried to use marijuana in order to regulate, nay, in order to cure, brothers and sisters, in order to cure my predilection towards being a spineless tax-and-spend liberal. But I didn't inhale, brothers and sisters--and there I went wrong, yea, truly I did. I wended along the road of inflationary fiscal policies and eventually led America down the primrose path past the Era of Good Feelings and straight into the gaping jaws of a global terrorist crisis. I should have inhaled, I say. And so I will, should I ever have the chance again."

One of the septuagenarians with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke said, "that blamed fool ran his yap so durned long that the buffet sausages went cold. What in tarnation was he on about?"

NBC Issues Apology

NBC Today Show producer Jeff Zucker read an on-air apology this morning after the show, and the entire network, failed to embellish any news items the entire day yesterday.

"We at the Today Show pride ourselves on our ability to muckrake with the best of them," said a contrite Zucker. "Yesterday, we did not live down to the low standards that we set for ourselves, and that our viewers have come to expect from us. As producer, I take full responsibility for this oversight. To make it up to our audience, this afternoon, departing Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will kidnap Katie Couric's two guinea pigs and will hold them for ransom at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, where police will try to talk Ridge down using a combination of tough love and promises of a guinea pig of his very own. Ridge will refuse, and will escape with Mexican president Vicente Fox's daughter to a Chilean hideout, where he will demand an interview with Tom Brokaw within forty-eight hours. Brokaw will decline, and Ridge will settle for Sanjay Gupta, who will wear a silly bulletproof vest and will pause from time to time to remind the viewing public of the dangers of food, America's number-one killer. There may or may not be a Dateline special immediately following the affair, which will glorify Ridge's crimes and insinuate that it is much better to be a criminal on TV than to be a law-abiding citizen in obscurity. Katie Couric will feed Democratic pundits leading questions throughout the entire day, and will make several inane and vapid comments at the top and bottom of each hour. You will not want to miss this, folks. It will be an NBC exclusive--we may even have to preempt "Dimwitted Fame-hounds Gagging themselves on Bugs and Guts" in order to bring you continuing coverage of the hostage crisis as it unfolds. Again, we are deeply sorry for our mistake."

After the apology, Couric asked Zucker, "Do you think, Mr. Zucker, that this could be a Republican plot to murder Cuban children and sell missiles to New Zealand in exchange for a blood-for-oil deal with the devil?"

Zucker shook his head ominously and said, "If only it wasn't, Katie. If only it wasn't."

Gas, Healthcare, Steel Prices On the Rise, Kids of America Don't Care

With Mommies and Daddies all across the country fighting falling wages and higher costs of goods and services the toy industry has called on children every where to show no mercy in their holiday wish lists. "America's kids have really risen to the occasion," said Sal Ivate of Kick em'While their Down Toys, "the hot items this year are $899 mini-choppers and $149.99 Nintendo DS game units, and kids from Cally to Sarasota are completely disregarding the financial situations of their parents and demanding these gifts." Meanwhile Lester Franks, who pays $14,000 a year to send his son to private school, $400 a month in health insurance, $2500 a summer for soccer camp, provides Abercrombie & Fitch jeans at $38 apiece and regularly buys milkshakes, is not as enthusiastic. "He has more things and has been more places at age 15 then I had at age 35, yet he won't come out of his room because I refused to buy him an "America Idol" karoke machine." While some innocent parents like Mr. Franks are getting squeezed a recent report by the Pew Research Center suggests that many parents have brought this upon themselves by trying to buy the love and respect of their children. "When times were good in the recent years many parents have thrown toys, trips and electronics at their kids rather than really parent" Pew researcher Cal Thomas explained from his ivory tower,"and now that the cost benefit ratio of child neglect is no longer favorable many parents are trying to go back to good ol' quality time and the kids aren't having it." When reached for comment Junior Franks, Lester's son, said that his Dad was selfish, unfair and smelled of cabbage.

Chinese Gov't Hires Jay Leno to be New Spokesman

In the wake of recent mining and transportation industry disasters, the central government of the People's Republic of China today announced that it had hired American late night talk show personality Jay Leno in the capacity of official spokesman and public relations agent.

Leno's first day on the job was made even more difficult by the explosion at a coal mine on Thursday that left more than one hundred underpaid and neglected Chinese workers dead, and hundreds more injured. But Leno, a standup comic by trade, seemed to take the added pressure in stride, reprising his famous Doritos® sales pitch in saying, "blow up all the lowly, disenfranchised citizens you want--we'll make more!" Leno went on to add that, "Mao didn't say, 'the people are everything.' What he really said was, 'overtaxing, and then abandoning, the people are everything.' Hey, is this thing on? Take my wife--please! I'm here all week, folks; try the veal."

Chinese government leaders were vacationing at their luxury ocean resort at Beidaihe, just east of Beijing, and so were unavailable for comment on the mine explosion, or on Leno's hiring. A simple ventilation fan and a couple of caged canaries could have prevented the explosion, say international mining safety experts; the Chinese goverment released a "White Paper" report last year in which it was calculated that the average Chinese citizen's life is worth 3 RMB (42 cents), making the purchasing and installation of safety equipment for anything less than fifty million Chinese people "fiscally untenable".

President Bush Visits the Great White North

Less than one day after Pres. Bush announced, in a rather riveting press conference mind you, that Carlos Gutierrez will become the next Sec'y of Commerce, our fearless leader has proved once again that renewing and revitalizing diplomatic relations throughout the world is his top priority. "The President is committed to showing every nation in the Coalition of the Nay-Sayers(a nickname ole' W made up to reference all of the nations not participating in the war in Iraq) that he is most definitely still, da man," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said late Monday at an Oval Office press conference. "Our goal is travel to each country that decided not to send troops to Iraq and do three things: eat their food, sleep with their women and make them shake our hands while smiling and groveling at numerous photo ops, although not necessarily in that order. The American people spoke, and this is the type of actions that they would like to see from their President for the next four years," McClellan later added. Pres. Bush is scheduled to meet with Prime Minister Paul Martin in Canada's most lame province of Ottawa later today. Sources close to TDS have told us that the President is, however, looking forward to receiving the ceremonial gift basket that includes a "Strange Brew" DVD(with never before seen footage), a six pack of Molson Ice, 3 lbs. of Canadian Bacon and one other token, stereotypical Canadian item to be named later.

Louisiana Political Observers Certify Ukranian Election

Results of the bitterly-contested Ukranian presidential election, which pitted pro-Russian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych against West-leaning candidate Viktor Yushchenko, were certified today by Louisiana political observers who had been monitoring the proceedings from their headquarters in Kiev, the Ukranian capital.

Clive Broussard, head of the Louisiana delegation, said at a press conference this morning, "Frankly, I don't see why people are so up-in-arms over the whole thing. Voter turnout was only around one-hundred and three percent nationwide, and in some counties the vote was denied to those who had been dead for more than six months. If you ask me, I think we're the ones who should be protesting. Honestly--I even heard a rumor that folks in Kiev were upset that people were being allowed to vote three times. Three times! In Louisiana, if you don't vote five times they don't even count your ballot."

Valdimir Putin agreed heartily with Broussard's remarks in a statement issued this afternoon, and invited the Louisiana team to oversee the next Russian election in 2006. "I make prediction-ski," said Putin, "Putin win by landslide-ovich, or else no borscht for anyone. Except Putin."

This Season's Hottest Toys!

Every Christmas, there are toys that transcend the title of gift and elevate themselves to must-have cultural icons. From Tickle-Me-Elmo to Furby, these toys have caught the fancy of society and for a few glorious weeks have sold at many times their actual value. But unlike most embarrassing displays of unfettered greed and gluttony, this is not only an American phenomenon. TDS has compiled a list of the most sought-after toys from around the world:

Canada - Harry Potter and the Socialist Tundra
Mexico - Hasbro Border Buster
Iraq - Martyrn' Max's Wacky Mujahedeen
United States- Unilateral Barbie
Germany - Nerf Coalition Blaster
North Korea - Photo of Dear Leader and 4 oz. uncooked rice
Russia - My First Dirt Farm
France - Tickle Me Kofi
England- Nintendo Game Lad

Happy Holidays!

Cleveland Family Upset Over Green Bean Casserole Absence

Keeping with tradition as of late, the Carter family from Cleveland, Ohio celebrated Thanksgiving early this year in order to accomodate hectic family schedules. "My husband has been working overtime at the office, Deanna has had basketball practice three times a week this year and Stephen, well we all know Stephen is smoking pot everyday, but he tells us he is volunteering at the local Police Station. He says they put him charge of 'roughin' the suspect' down at the precinct, but whatever. Anyways, all I wanted was some f****ing green bean casserole this year at Thanksgiving dinner, is that too much to ask," Susan Carter told TDS in a colorful interview earlier this afternoon. "It's like going to a birthday party and not having cake or going to the Greasy Spoon on Mondays and not having the fried catfish," Susan waxed, "you get the family together, drive two hours north to Toledo to the in-laws and NOT find green bean casserole on the table. How the hell do you have Thanksgiving Dinner and forget the go**amn green beans?!" The Daily Scoffer advised Susan that we would not be able to continue the interview if she continued to use profanity. Susan then proceeded to tell our reporter where he could put the interview.
The Daily Scoffer would like to take this time to thank all of our readers for their loyal support. This holiday season we are thankful for two things: you and sarcasm! Ciao!

Segue Saxophonist Dies

World-unreknowned saxophonist J.J. Keller died at his Malibu, California home yesterday evening. He was 62. Keller achieved no fame as the composer of every soulless segue crescendo in television talk show history--Oprah Winfrey, Jane Pauley, Ricky Lake, and Sally Jesse Raphael all used Keller's music in their opening segments and when cutting to, and returning from, commercials.

"What, a human being wrote that?!" exclaimed a despondent Winfrey when informed of Keller's passing. "I'd always imagined it was the demo from some twenty dollar synthesizer."

"Oh, I thought we stole that from Oprah," said Jane Pauley.

A special tribute was held this morning for Keller; there wasn't a wet eye in the house as Keller's widow, who also didn't know who he was, played some of Keller's most unenduring melodies. Particularly unbaleful were the not-very-plaintive strains of "Yesterdays" and "Summer Mists, O Misty Mister", two of Keller's most widely-used segue pieces. The keening did not begin when the bereaved Mrs. Keller was handed a copy of J.J.'s soon-to-be-released Thanksgiving album, "Horns o' Plenty".

In related news, a truce was declared today in the inter-media, inter-station, cross-frequency galactic laser war. Radio stations and local news programs, which often eschewed Keller-esque drivel in favor of loud, aggressive laser sounds, had, in actuality, been participating in a galactic civil war, with some stations favoring the Centauri Confederacy, and others backing the Boötes Alliance.

"From where the suns now stand, I will make laser sounds no more forever," declared Jim Crick, station manager for KLUV (Lite Mix of Soft Hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and Today) based in Barstow, California. Crick, a Boötean, added that, "Centaurians are Venusian moon scum. That Keller clown was one of them."

Locusts Descend upon Israel, Hamas Claims Responsibility

Hamas leaders called the Doha, Qatar-based al Jazeera television network this morning to claim responsibility for a swarm of locusts that began descending upon the Israeli countryside late Saturday evening.

"We sent the locusts to pester the Zionists in their satanic country," the unsigned Hamas statement read. "Next we will send frogs, then boils, then flies--no, wait, it will be flies, then frogs, THEN boils--and finally we will send Barbara Streisand. Let us see if the Zionists can withstand that."

Each locust was reportedly wearing a tiny checkered kaffiyeh and buzzing, "death to Israel, death to America, death to sorghum, wheat, millet, barley, and pulse".

al Zarqawi Signs Ben Wallace

Terrorist leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi has signed former Pistons forward Ben Wallace to a three-year, three-hundred million dinar deal after Wallace's involvement in a free-for-all fisticuff Friday night led to his dismissal from the NBA.

"I liked Wallace's stuff. He showed he's not afraid to act irrationally, and that he has a penchant for unnecessary violence. We can use him on our team," al Zarqawi declared to The Daily Scoffer in a telephone interview from an undisclosed location.

Wallace's first move as an insurgent was to ask his new boss for time off in order to promote his upcoming rap album, entitled, "It's All About the Dinars, Y'all".

Ron Artest Switches Sports

Indiana Pacers small forward Ron Artest switched sports abruptly Friday night; critics contend that he should have waited until the basketball game in which he was playing was finished before taking up amateur boxing.

"As a boxer, Artest is a good basketball player," one boxing analyst commented. "He stayed too long on the ropes, and he swung wildly, completely neglecting to protect either his face or his body. What's more, a 150 pound white guy was able to restrain him for several seconds, and even managed to land a few punches to the side of his head before Artest retaliated. Artest needs a lot of time in the gym, and I don't mean time spent practicing free throws."

Pacers coach Rick Carlisle said he was surprised by Artest's sudden decision. One fan with knuckle-marks on his cheeks said he was probably even more surprised than Carlisle.

Russian Energy Minister Breaks Up Yukos; Putin Taps Kudos to Fill Gap

Russian Energy Secretary Gregor Dayanokan today formally announced that the Russian government would be breaking up the energy monopoly of corporate giant Yukos, and would be selling it piecemeal on the open market. This comes as no surprise to commodities and exchange brokers, who had long been expecting the hubristic Yukos management team to incur the wrath of the Russian state, outside of whose parameters the company had begun to operate.

In an unexpected move, though, Russian president Vladimir Putin told a joint session of the Duma today that he would be enacting his special administrative authority in order to force Yukos' holdings and subsidiaries to begin selling Kudos, the chewy, chocolatey treat that moms and kids can both go for. Kudos corporate spokesmen with whom The Daily Scoffer spoke said they were flabbergasted by the news, but quickly admitted that they were elated by the prospect of a phenomenal increase in sales.

Putin aides said that Putin came up with the idea to make Yukos sell Kudos the night before he was to address the Duma. "Before that, he had nothin'," said Plessky Voivonovich, Putin's spokesman.

Blair Says, "Anglophone Countries Must Stick Together"; Bush Replies, "We'll Use Our Own Phones, Thank You Very Much"

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, in Washington for a visit with President George Bush, iterated in a speech to the Washington Press Club on Thursday afternoon that, "Anglophone countries should stick together and help one another to thwart terrorists around the globe."

Upon hearing of the contents of Blair's speech, President Bush replied, "Good idea, but we'll use our own phones, thank you very much. I don't trust European tel-com further'n I can throw it, which ain't far, seein' as I don't even know where in the Sam Hill it is."

Blair is rumored to have wept all the way back to England.

Public Finds Blasphemy of God's Mother "Hilarious"

Public opinion polls show that Americans, by a wide margin, find the blaspheming of Mary, Mother of Jesus and Virgin Bearer of the Word made flesh, "moderately-" to "uproariously hilarious." When Earl Potts, of Lumberton, Wisconsin, placed an old grilled-cheese sandwich with a purported image of the Mother of God on the surface of the bread up for auction on EBay last week, the American public reacted with unbridled glee. News stations around the country picked up the story, and anchormen (and -women!) took great delight in laughing into their sleeves at the high comedy of Mr. Potts and his unholy pabulum.

It is unclear what God Himself thinks about this event, but a recent spate of earthquakes, floods, typhoons, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, floods, landslides, avalanches, wars, famines, pestilences, poverty, suffering, disease, and crime could perhaps be taken as a vague indication.

Senator Kerry Proposes Tax Cuts for Henpecked Eunuchs

Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts, who recently returned to Washington after a long, grueling, and ultimately unsuccessful campaign to transform the United States of America into a lumbering socialist monstrosity, spent his first day back at his old job in a heated debate over a new tax relief program that the senator has begun to advocate.

"All men between the ages of 50 and 70 who have had their testicles removed by the icy fingers of their foul-mouthed, domineering, shrewish wives deserve substantial tax relief," Kerry explained in a speech before the Senate this afternoon. "If you are henpecked, cuckolded, nagged, pestered, or in any way emasculated by your battle axe, I want you to know that the government cares, that the government understands, and that the government will work to help you in any way that it can."

Clinton Opens New Presidential Library--21 and Over Only, Please; Jilted Ladies Get in Free

Every living President (including current president Bush) and their respective wives were on hand today for the dedication of two-term Democratic chief executive Bill Clinton's presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas. The library, which houses all of the paperwork and other important or historically-significant items and documents from Clinton's presidency, opened amidst great fanfare and laudatory speeches from many high-ranking foreign and domestic dignitaries, as well as from several Little Rock community leaders.

At Clinton's behest, the library will feature a slightly unorthodox 'Harem Wing', wherein will dwell several richly-adorned concubines who will 'comfort' Clinton when he is forced to spend the night at the library. Historians and other scholars will also have access to this unique addition; however, Arkansas state law prohibits minors from entering the premises, so IDs will be checked at the door.

As a special feature, though, and again at President Clinton's insistence, all jilted ladies and other scorned or publicly humiliated women will receive free admission to the library, as well as one free Hamlet-esque glance into the 'Ambition Mirror', which will soothsay one's future in iron-pantied, viciously liberal New York State politics.

The library is open from 5 p.m. (the beginning of happy hour, featuring half-price margaritas) until 2 a.m., Thursday through Saturday. It will be open, however, on every religious holiday when it might prove politically expedient to do so.

Daily Scoffer Steps On First Toes!

In a groundbreaking event for us here at the Scoffer we have finally, after much trying, received our first dissenting comment when the following comment was submitted in response to "France to Contribute "A Very Sharp Cheddar" to Iraqi Peace Keeping Effort".
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my name es Pierre Montlei, and I dont appreciate the consitant remarks directed toward my country

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Finally, a Frenchy with some spine! We effeminately salute you Pierre! TDS spokesman Wellingborough Redburn has released the following statement:
"We here at TDS take our mission of offending our every reader very seriously. And, by offending one reader we appear to have succeeded in our mission. Thank you and goodnight!"