Scoffer Passes 1,000 Hits; Scoffer Staff Treated for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

We at The Daily Scoffer are proud to announce that we have recently surpassed the one-thousand hit milestone. We look forward to taking one thousand more hits, right in the ol' breadbox.

In unrelated news, Scoffer staff have been undergoing treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome, which is caused when repetitive motions place strain upon the tendons of the carpal tunnel, or the assembly of bones, ligaments and tendons in the area of the wrist.

"You boys haven't been clicking on your own site over and over again to make it look like you have a lot of readers, have you?" asked one doctor whom Scoffer writers consulted for treatment.

"No sir. No sirreebob, doc. Wouldn't be prudent, not at this juncture. Say, there, do you have any perjury remover lying around? If so, I'll take five bottles. Great. And here's a fiver for your trouble. Thanks, doc. Say, how'd you like to be immortalized in print? Wouldn't like it, you say? Well, we'll take that as a yes. So here's to you, doc. I'd shake your hand, but..."

Palestinians Elect Flavor Flav New Prime Minister

Well, the Palestinian people have finally spoken and the rest of the world is curiously listening. It was expected that the people of Palestine would elect Mahmoud Abbas, former cabinet member under Yassar Arafat, but in a surprise and shocking turn of events Flavor Flav was elected Prime Minister of the state of Palestine. Mr. Flav is best known for his hard-hitting, barely audible jams while a member of the late 80s, early 90s rap group Public Enemy. More recently, Flavor appeared on the hit reality show "Surreal Life" which airs weekly on VH1. When asked reached for comment, Mr. Flav told Fox News' Shepard Smith, "I gots all ya'll, boyeeee!" It is still unclear how Mr. Flav managed to legally get his name on the January ballot, or better yet, why in the name of sweet Allah did the oppressed people of Mesopotamia actually vote a C-list American celebrity into office. When asked what he thought of the recent election results, Israeli leader Ariel Sharon said "You know, I really liked Public Enemy. 'Revolverlution' was a great album that spoke of the plight the everyday African-American must face. It's a real shame that we have to assassinate him with Cruise missiles and Apache helicopters. You know what those rappers say, 'Live by the gun, die by the gun,' well 2,000 pound missiles, you know what I mean."

John Kerry Receives 17 Purple Hearts for Recent Fact-Finding Trip to Iraq

John Kerry humbly accepted seventeen Purple Hearts awarded to him by Diane Pelosi yesterday after Kerry's long-awaited return from Iraq, where Kerry visited in order to annoy soldiers actually doing something productive and to distract them from their jobs.

Faced with criticism for what some say is an excessive number of medals given for a rather minimal amount of work, Kerry defended his record at a press conference thusly:

"Well, first of all I jammed my pinky getting into the cab on the morning of my departure, so that's one right there. And then I had some 'insurgent tacos' at Logan International, if you know what I mean--I was in the can the whole flight to Baghdad, so I figure that's worth one medal for each hour. And then, it was really hot, you know? I broke a sweat three times--which is three more Purple Hearts. And while I was in Mosul, some old lady cheated me out of half a dinar when I bought some Wrigley's gum from her at a market stall. That's another medal. And to top it all off, the movie on the flight back to Boston was 'Gigli'--well, you tell me how many medals THAT was worth. I claimed only one, which I think was pretty generous of me."

Arizona Senator John McCain, who actually saw combat, actually shot at people and was himself shot at, and who was actually captured by enemy forces and imprisoned for five years in a bamboo cage in the North Vietnamese jungle, said he was a bit perplexed by the Massachusetts senator's actions. Ted Kennedy, on the other hand, suggested that Purple Hearts be given to all minorities in the US, "just because, that's why".

Nostradamus Posthumously Given 'Used Booksellers' Lifetime Achievement Recognition Award'

The Association of North American Used Booksellers (ANAUB) today revealed that it will be giving famed prognosticator Nostradamus the coveted 'Lifetime Achievement Recognition Award' as a token of their appreciation for Nostradamus' single-handedly keeping most used booksellers in business since his death in 1566.

Nostradamian scholars asserted that Nostradamus himself predicted that such an honor would befall him, quoting the fifth stanza of "Tree Beetle Alchemist's Dirge" as irrefutable proof:

"And then shall the seven-toothed monkey
Slather hot mustard upon the apostate's patella;
'Ouchie!' shall exclaim the beslathered one,
Dropping his fork into a saucerful of tomato soup with celery.

Yea, verily I say unto thee, this shall come to pass
In the year's subdivided house, when eleven dreams gather at the feet of the Eastern plenipotentiary."

"Can there be any doubt?" asked noted Nostradamus expert Dan Burger. "It's as plain as day, if you ask me."

NBC Premieres 'Medium'

Not to be outdone, CBS will air 'Large' and Fox will develop series tentatively entitled 'Mega Gargantuola Daddy Challenge for Bachelorettes'. In related news, PBS will produce mini-series to be called 'Infinitesimal: Our Ratings'.

Stripper Sees Life Flash before her Eyes

Sun Wins Race across Sky--Again

For the 426,000,000,000,000,000,000th time in a row, the Sun won the diurnal 'Race across the Sky' competition held in the heavens over Earth.

A defiant Sun boasted of his record, taunting his opponents with, "Ain't nobody can step up to the mighty fleet-footedness of Apollo, baby! Nobody! Fools think they can contend with me--all I know is, I'm first out the blocks every morning when rosy-fingered dawn yields to the fury of my galloping steeds, and when I stable those flaming Arabians in the hollow of raspy dusk, ain't nobody to be seen in front of me, except maybe suckers who didn't even start the race to begin with. Mercury? Venus? Mars? Please... you must be trippin'. They ain't got nothin'. I'm the frickin' SUN, baby!"

Las Vegas bookmakers now all but agree that the sun's first-place finish each day is virtually a sure bet. Still, some renegade bookies are willing to extend long odds on perennial underdogs such as the moon. "The moon may seem frail and slow," said Vinny Catalini, bookmaker. "But she's light and nimble, and she's got a lot of scorn buried deep within her icy vaulted orb. I wouldn't be surprised if she was waitin' for the next solar eclipse to really stick it to old Ra and leave him in her dust."

The Sun dismissed Catalini's remarks with a snicker, saying, "the moon ain't nothin' without me. She REFLECTS, dog. She ain't even got her own nuclear fusion furnace to produce light and heat. She a cold, dead rock, an overrated mirror for my glory. Don't even play with me, dog. She ain't worth my time. That's why she got the night, and I got the day. If you ask me, she ain't even doin' that right. When's the last time you ever tried to do anything by moonlight? Can't see nothin', can you? The moon is a straight JOKE, is all I'm sayin'. The Sun rules!"

Kenny Loggins Re-Releases Hit Single "Danger Zone" To Benefit Tee-Sunami Victims

In his most benevolent move to date, 80's singer/songwriter Kenny Loggins decided late Wednesday that he would re-release his smash hit "Danger Zone" in light of the recent tee-sunami tragedy. "I don't think any of us really knew how bad this whole ass-load of water disaster was at first," Loggins told Entertainment Tonight reporter Mary Hart, "but when the pictures of the complete devastation came rollin' in, I really had no choice but to act accordingly." Loggins is best known for writing and singing the theme song to quite possibly the greatest movie ever made, "Top Gun." "Just think of all those sailors heading right toward the epicenter, they need some kickin' tunes to rock to," Loggins continued, "all of the proceeds will benefit the tee-sunami victims(as long as they admit that I am, indeed, still the man)!" In completely unrelated news, did anyone ever make it to level 2 in the "Top Gun" game by successfully landing the jet on the aircraft carrier? I mean come on, is there actually a second mission or are you just supposed to keep flying the plane into the rear of the boat?!?

U.S. To Adopt Euro

In a classic case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" treasury secretary John Snow announced that the Federal Reserve will begin to phase out the U.S. Dollar and adopt the Euro, which has been gaining value against the Yankee Greenback for sometime. "Our currency is heading toward worthless anyway," stated Snow, "plus if we don't make the switch we will never get into the European Union." Under the plan proposed by the Fed Euro's will begin hitting the streets of the U.S. on Feb. 2 but will only be used to purchase thing European in nature such as futbol's and bikini briefs, but will soon totally replace ol' greenie. When asked why the U.S. was jumping on the Euro bandwagon President Bush responded, "Fair query chap, we have tried to manuveure to help the Yank recover, but haven't had a poke of luck. So my lads and I said blimey! We'll steal those dirty Frenchy's money!" The actual effect this change will have on the rank and file American is unclear. TDS attempted to contact those who will be most effected but unfortunately Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Grant, Franklin and Sacagawea could not be reached.

Plants Outlaw use of Hydroponics in Education

Plants today outlawed the use of sapling slang 'Hydroponics' as a medium of educating youth, citing studies which link the use of Hydroponics with lower test scores and difficulties finding a job after graduation.

MC Xylem and MC Phloem, two proponents of Hydroponics whose hit singles "We Be Photosynthesizin'" and "Strictly fo' my Dendrilzzz" are wildly popular with seedlings everywhere, called the move "straight wack".

The Outsiders Lose Another Loner to Ditech.com

Loosely confederated but deeply bound by their common hardship, the Outsiders today suffered what has become an all-too familiar setback when they lost another loner to Ditech.com.

Group spokesman Ponyboy said, "We was thinkin' Darrell'd stick with us, considerin' all the tough times we've known together--but then he up and goes to Ditech.com, sayin' they'd let him take out a 60 month mortgage on his house for the unbelievably low rate of 1.9 percent, with no closing fees. We's just simple folk, can't compete with the big fellas none, I guess."

Darrell responded to Ponyboy, saying, "Them guys is goin' nowheres. With Ditech.com, I am somebody--banks an' other lendin' institutions just can't cut it, and neither can them lowdown greasers. Sure, I went over to the socs--what's them hoodlums gonna do about it?"

Tragically, Darrell was later fired for 'excessive use of spittoons and excessive rumbling on company time'.

Now Boarding...

... all people wearing sweatshirts with hoods that zip open and lay flat so that everyone can see the lovely "Eeyore" logo printed thereon--

Oh, sorry, it looks like the plane is already gone. You just missed it!

Man Once Gave People Benefit of Doubt, Now Doubts Benefit of People

Leon Gillespie confided in The Daily Scoffer today that while when he was younger he used to give people the benefit of the doubt, harsh experiences with the meaninglessness of life have cast a pall upon his once-rosy outlook; he now says he doubts the benefit of people.

When asked if he could explain, Gillespie roared, "OH, BAAAAAAHHHH HUMBUG!"

Asian Family Politely Scrutinized

Rick Wang, wife Evelyn, and daughters Chrissy and Emily were all discretely srcutinized at the Birmingham International Airport last week.

The Wangs, all natives of McMinn County, Tennessee, admitted to The Daily Scoffer that this was not the first time they had been sized up with sidelong glances in a public place by white people.

Canada Pledges Quebec

The Canadian government has announced today that it is donating the entire province of Quebec to South Asia in order to assist with the massive rebuilding effort already underway.

"Please, will someone come quickly and take these pseudo-Frenchy snobs out of the Dominion?", said Canadian government spokesman Paul Malley. "S'il vous plait, or whatever those wine-sniffers say when they aren't stuffing their faces with cheese. The Quebecois will make great slaves for anyone needing a hand in reconstructing a house or repaving a road. The only condition is that you leave us Lemieux--he's not so bad."

Come, These Dead Bodies are Great for Crowing Over

World leaders took advantage of the devastating South Asian tsunami last week by racing to outbid one another in a globally televised charity auction. Secretary of State Colin Powell even flew to the region personally in order to tell the people there about the greatness of America, a message that natives said was exactly what they had been waiting to hear.

In related news, some Arab news stations finally revealed the true cause of the monster quake that rent the floor of the Indian Ocean and spawned the galloping waves that destroyed much of the South Asian coastline: apparently, Zionist infidels and Christian fornicators, gathered together at Hannukah and Christmas in order to sin more freely, brought the wrath of God down upon poor nations in one of the most economically depressed parts of the world. Arab scientists are still puzzling over why God would choose to punish Muslim and Hindu countries for Jewish and Christian sins, although some say it's because He doesn't want the crusaders to poison Arab minds with thoughts of elections and all of that nonsense.

Dan Brown To Release "Little Richard Code"

As a follow up to his worldwide blockbuster "The Da Vinci Code" Dan Brown will be releasing "The Little Richard Code" sources close to the author tell TDS. Much like "Da Vinci", "The Little Richard Code" will tell the tale of a brilliant and enlightened artist who attempts to tell the world the truth about a religious icon through subtle hints in his masterworks. By stringing together rumors and streched facts, Brown will show that Little Richard is a member of the group "The Know It All's" who have infiltrated the upper echelons of society and have been charged with keeping the worlds most prolific secret: that L. Ron Hubbard gave birth to Tom Cruise's love child on Arbor Day, 1998. While this accusation would obviously bring the Scientology world to its knees and leave Hollywood starlets grasping for a meaning to life Brown insists that his charges are based in fact. For instance, Brown points out that there are 8661 beats in "Good Golly Miss Molly", or read upside down 1998, the year of the alleged birth. In addition the cover art of "This is Little Richard" shows a tree holding a naked child, a not so subtle reference to Arbor Day. And if that is not enough just rearrange the letters to the title of Little Richards smash hit "Tutti Frutti" and you will get "I tit trutf" when spoken by Little Richard after a night of mescaline smoking clearly states "I tell truth". Brown also mentioned that the book will be released on June 6, 2006 and the rebuttal, "The Truth About the Little Richard Code" by Ban Drown will be out the following week.

New Year's Resolutions

We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to extend our New Years Wishes to all of our readers. Your loyal readership is much appreciated. Please digest the following New Year's Resolutions as your own:

1. Curb your alcoholism by becoming savagly addicted to the white pony.

2. Curb your alcoholism by drinking near beer.

3. Curb your enthusiasm

4. Sink your battleship.

5. Cook less meth.

6. Learn to play lute.

7. Bury bodies in freezer.

8. Disavow all knowledge.

9. Keep the beans below the frank.

10. Get to know chick in basement.

11. Email lady you married in Vegas last new years.

12, Slow motion for me.

13. Release PUD for all to enjoy.

14. Defy the wishes of the ARC.

Bush Vows To Find Those Responsible For Tsunami; Names Neptune, Poseidon, Davy Jones New Axis of Evil

At a Wednesday press conference U.S. President G.W. Bush (W) had harsh words for "those proliferating tsunamic terror." He said the recent tsunami had all of the hallmarks of an Al Qaida attack except that it happened to non-westerners, was not suicidal in nature, was not followed by any claims by the terrorist organization and involved tectonic shifting and million upon millions of gallons of water. W went on to conjecture that Al Qaida must have had help pulling off such an attack and named Neptune, Poseidon and Davy Jones as the new oceanic axis of evil. Bush dismissed reporters who pointed out that Neptune and Poseidon are the same entity and that Davy Jones has not left his locker in years by stating that "The collation of the willing and coerced will hunt down any being, whether folk or mythological, who uses their powers for terror and will bring them to justice. This will be done by our own band of superfolk, The Occupiers." After much digging TDS has uncovered that the Occupiers powers include going to war for dubious reasons, holding fraudulent elections, installing sham governments, color coding, double talk and hypersonic underhandedness. When asked why he had waited three days to speak publicly in the wake of the worst natural disaster in memory, Bush replied that he had been looking for his "tsunami boots".

Merry Christmas 2004

We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to send our sincerest Holiday Wishes to everyone of our loyal readers, all four of you. We couldn't do it without you! Due to the recent Iraqi insurgency, the problems the President has encountered with cabinet nominations, record breaking snows in south Texas and seasonal inebriation from spiked Egg Nog we apologize for the lack of articles. Our reporters have been embedded, on location, behind the scenes and hot on the trail preparing to bring the hottest, most up-to-date stories for 2005. So please stay tuned for some great scoffing in the next year. May all of your holiday wishes come true and don't forget the Reason for the Season!