Latest Summer Fashion
Scranton, New Jersey's "School for the Color Blind and Fashion Design" recently released their Summer 2005 Fashion Collection. This urbane young man is wearing the flagship outfit.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Sea World's Newest Attraction
"Yes, I'd like four tickets to the show where the killer whales actually come into the audience, please. What, I get a free seal pup costume with every four ticket purchase...sweet."
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Area Roommate Tired Of Being Called "Flatmate"
David Bryson, roommate of Carl Winslow, has had it with his roommates new found obsession with the British vernacular the Scoffer has learned. "His freakin girlfriend made him watch some Hugh Grant movie and now I am his flatmate and he keeps asking me if I want to go "tip a pint", Bryson reports. When asked what he was going to do about it Bryson said he will take Winslow mother, Dorothy Winslow, out for a nice fish and chips dinner then never call her again.
Best Prom Ever!
The UPS truck Lance 'borrowed' from his dad would have made a sweet entrance had he decided to use the actual road instead of the grassy hill...but oh well, at least he made up for his driving shortcomings by giving his date the coolest gift ever. Nothing says 'Here's to the Best Night of Our Young Lives Thusfar' like portable sewing equipment. Lance Green...a real American Hero!
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Mid Tournament Sponsor Rocks NCAA Hoops
Just days before the continuation of 2005's March Madness and the beginning of the Sweet Sixteen, NCAA Chairperson Nadia Bakersfield announced on Wednesday that Chang's House of Chinese Food will sponsor the duration of the tournament. The Topeka, Kansas based hot-spot approached Ms. Bakersfield months before the tournament began with the idea of naming each round after a favorite Chinese dish. "Basketball and all-you-can eat Orange chicken, what more can you ask for," Mr. Sammy Chang, owner of Chang's House of Chinese Food, told The Daily Scoffer. After months of persuasion and free Chinese food via overnight FED EX, Ms. Bakersfield finally decided to pull the trigger on the idea. "It's just too steamy of a concept to pass up," she announced in the Wednesday press conference. So here it is folks, for the rest of the tourney, the rounds will be named as follows:
"Sweet and Sour Pork with Snow Peas" Sixteen
"Moo Goo Gai Pan" Eight
"General Tso's Chicken" Four
"Mongolian Hot Pot with Tofu and Water Chestnuts" Championship Game
Mr. Chang states that all tickets sold to the final game can be redeemed for a free soft-serve ice cream cone at any of his many locations across the country. Enjoy!
Out of Retirement...
In response to the latest Social Security scare, former Senator Strom Thurmond has decided to come out of retirement and become the new Mascot for the Washington Nationals
Monday, March 21, 2005
Friday, March 18, 2005
Congress Focuses On The Really Important Stuff
After seemingly endless sessions of wasting time on inconsequential matters (budget, yawn) congress finally got down to business yesterday by tackling the issue most important to rank and file Americans: millionaires doing drugs. The panel of our elected officials that are spearheading the investigation brought together baseballs most beloved hero's to try and prove to America that it is the players, not the balls that are juiced. Most of the proceeding went off without much in the way of fireworks, with the exception of having to stop the proceeding for one player who could not speak English. Once someone translated for Jose Canseco the questioning turned to Sammy Sosa who denies ever using the drug. The only player who did not deny using steroids (with the exception of Canseco, who was eating an anoboli-burger) was Mark McGuire. When asked about steroid use McGuire would only say "I am not here to talk about the past, I am only here to remind you all that my wife is hotter than any of yours."
Next up on the Congressional docket is an investigation into the tomato, fruit or vegetable? Senator Barbara Boxer explains, "We don't really know what the hell to do about Iraq, social security, Medicare or AIDS so we are going to stick to stuff where we get to be on t.v. and meet sports stars."
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
"Meet Me at the Rally" Skyrockets to Top of Lebanese Pop Charts
"Meet Me at the Rally", sung by Haboob and the Boobettes, has broken all records for single-week record sales in Lebanon, as it continues to dominate the Lebanese pop music charts for a third straight week.
The hit, wildly popular with young Lebanese, has been translated below for the benefit of the culturally minded among the Scoffer readership:
"Meet Me at the Rally"
Meet me at the rally,
There'll be some nice coffee for all,
When the muezzin calls out the adhan,
I'll be where the Syrians once were.
The rally is where my heart is,
Where all of my hopes have coalesced.
Oh, here where the nation is pulsing,
Can't you feel Lebanon's strength returning?
Sweet-breath'd Lebanon, famous of old,
Now famous again, but for freedom this time;
Meet me at the rally,
We'll tear our grandfathers' fears up in laughter!
Call out, muezzin, your adhan,
For today we all are listening-
Meet me at the rally, Lebanon,
Today is the day we were born!
(copyright Haboob, A.H. 1426)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Ode To PUD
Sung to the tune of 'Home, Home on the Range'.
Home, home on the PUD
Where John is dreaming of suds
Where Minesweeper is played,
And everyone is late,
And the breakroom is gathering crud.
O PUD, o sweet PUD o' mine,
Where Pop spends most of his time
Where Lori's stamps are not safe
Where the hallways are taped
With Steve's pictures of jobs going fine.
Hooray PUD!
Home, Home on the PUD,
Where Tiny means large with a beard
When Jack is a Lifestyle
And John's hair is so wild-
For me, I can't help but cheer!
Life, Life on the PUD,
My liver yearns for relief,
But beer in the kitchen
And rock-shots I aint missin-
Pop or Steve, who's the chief?
HIP-HIP-HOORAY!
Home, home on the PUD
Where the Jack and Coke flows like a flood
Keep the client's half loaded
So when jobs are quoted
They will be drunk until after they sign...
PUD o Sweet PUD of mine
Where a square foot costs only a dime
You can loaf, sleep and meander,
grope, curse and slander
Just make sure you're at Outback by nine
Drunk like a fox.....(wink)
Monday, March 14, 2005
Sunday, March 13, 2005
"Color Me Bad" Press Conference
The music world was in a frenzy late Sunday night when former pop heavyweights 'Color Me Bad" announced a surprise Press Conference for Monday morning at a New York City hotel. Speculations flew rampant...where they getting back together...a new album...no one knew exactly what the outcome would be. Bryan Abrams, Mark Calderon, Sam Watters and Kevin Thornton slowly approached the podium in a room filled with journalists and reporters. "Good Morning everyone, as many of you well know, we are 'Color Me Bad.' You might remember us from the early nineties with such hits as 'I Wanna Sex You Up' and 'I Adore Mi Amore', well, we'd just like to take this opportunity to announce that we have no plans whatsoever of reuniting and we collectively think that it is best for all involved if we never, ever, release another album," quasi front man Sam Watters spoke. Well, you heard it hear first readers, no more 'Color Me Bad'. Please excuse me while I squirt something fierce. Good Day!
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