Pat Robertson Prefers To "Take Out" South American Dictators And "Assassinate" Chinese Food

Israeli Forces "Pull-Out" Of Gaza Strip, Narrowly Escaping One Of The Most Awkward Pregnancies In History

In other news, prophylactic sales in the West Bank drastically increase.

Business at Gaza Starbucks Down 99% in 2 Days

Investors on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)were scrambling today amidst news that Starbucks will miss Q3 earnings expectations due to a sharp decline in stores on the Gaza Strip, surprisingly one of the company's most important regions. "We are freakin over here even though Starbucks trades on NASDAQ," one trader said, "that just shows how big this is and how touchy we are." Investors across the globe are scrambling to sell their calls, buy their puts and cover their shorts. David Tzur, analyst for CitiGroup, called the decline in Starbucks sales "by far the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis." Several Jewish settlers interviewed by The Scoffer seemed to think that the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis was the loss of their homes and Biblically promised birthrite.

In other news Cindy Sheehan is still the hottest chick on Fox News. (Sorry Greta)

Dave Merriman stuns legal community...

In the midst of a thrilling legal discussion at the local Chattanooga Ankar's restaurant, David Merriman, Jr. of Harrison, Tennessee casually dropped the "Writ of Jurisprudence" with a blatant disregard for any relativity to the conversation or actual knowledge of the aforementioned writ.

Raffy Comes Clean

Less than a week since the first stories of the alleged Palmeiro steroid scandal broke, the Baltimore Oriole's First Baseman has decided to end all speculation and come clean on the issue exclusively to The Daily Scoffer. "Ok, ok, you got me...MLB got me and now I'm, well, just a little screwed," Palmeiro stated late Wednesday night. He went on to say "it's a sad day when a grown man, a professional athlete at that, can't take a bit of the juice and not have anything to worry about. For the love of professional curling, I'm almost 41 years old...How the hell did you think I was still able to get out of bed in the morning and still compete with guys half my age?" About half way through the interview, conducted by TDS' own Boog Rector, a well respected journalist and personal friend of Rafael, Mr. Palmeiro decided to admit to a few other items of speculation in his life, albeit somewhat less interesting than the stanozolol topic. "Yes, I admit it, I like Kelly Clarkson, no, no, I love Kelly Clarkson. (singing) Since you've been gone, yeah, yeah, I can breathe for the first time....I'm so moving on, yeah, yeah. I mean seriously, that song is awesome. You wanna know what else, I don't wash my hands after using the bathroom and I voted for Al Gore. So there you go, put that in your pipe and smoke it." Mr. Palmeiro went on to admit numerous other personal items, most of which were rather disturbing. TDS has chosen to print the following list of admissions by Mr. Palmeiro only under extreme warning to the readers:

1. Subscribes to "German Horse Porn" Monthly
2. Dips Oreos in orange juice
3. Watches "The Situation" with Tucker Carlson
4. Bathes in jell-o
5. Owns every single copy of the "Hardy Boys"
6. Went on tour with Barry Manilow from 1987-89

The list goes on but we fell that the above is more than enough for you to make your own opinion of good ol' Raffy.

Latest Summer Fashion

KN03Uzz
Originally uploaded by loftindupuis.

Scranton, New Jersey's "School for the Color Blind and Fashion Design" recently released their Summer 2005 Fashion Collection. This urbane young man is wearing the flagship outfit.

Iraqis Elect Kurd

Whey leader demands recount.

Note To Self...

The Good Shepherd
Originally uploaded by D LeRoy.

Never trade car for Yak coat and thin wooden stick.

Sea World's Newest Attraction

P1030710
Originally uploaded by Rob Bavey.

"Yes, I'd like four tickets to the show where the killer whales actually come into the audience, please. What, I get a free seal pup costume with every four ticket purchase...sweet."

Taking The Road Less Traveled Kinda Sucks Without A Car

...
Originally uploaded by Bright Green Pants.

Area Roommate Tired Of Being Called "Flatmate"

David Bryson, roommate of Carl Winslow, has had it with his roommates new found obsession with the British vernacular the Scoffer has learned. "His freakin girlfriend made him watch some Hugh Grant movie and now I am his flatmate and he keeps asking me if I want to go "tip a pint", Bryson reports. When asked what he was going to do about it Bryson said he will take Winslow mother, Dorothy Winslow, out for a nice fish and chips dinner then never call her again.

Best Prom Ever!

indeed
Originally uploaded by flannelmouthed.

The UPS truck Lance 'borrowed' from his dad would have made a sweet entrance had he decided to use the actual road instead of the grassy hill...but oh well, at least he made up for his driving shortcomings by giving his date the coolest gift ever. Nothing says 'Here's to the Best Night of Our Young Lives Thusfar' like portable sewing equipment. Lance Green...a real American Hero!

Writers Block Unacceptable Excuse For Factory Worker's Decreased Productivity

Mid Tournament Sponsor Rocks NCAA Hoops

Just days before the continuation of 2005's March Madness and the beginning of the Sweet Sixteen, NCAA Chairperson Nadia Bakersfield announced on Wednesday that Chang's House of Chinese Food will sponsor the duration of the tournament. The Topeka, Kansas based hot-spot approached Ms. Bakersfield months before the tournament began with the idea of naming each round after a favorite Chinese dish. "Basketball and all-you-can eat Orange chicken, what more can you ask for," Mr. Sammy Chang, owner of Chang's House of Chinese Food, told The Daily Scoffer. After months of persuasion and free Chinese food via overnight FED EX, Ms. Bakersfield finally decided to pull the trigger on the idea. "It's just too steamy of a concept to pass up," she announced in the Wednesday press conference. So here it is folks, for the rest of the tourney, the rounds will be named as follows:

"Sweet and Sour Pork with Snow Peas" Sixteen
"Moo Goo Gai Pan" Eight
"General Tso's Chicken" Four
"Mongolian Hot Pot with Tofu and Water Chestnuts" Championship Game

Mr. Chang states that all tickets sold to the final game can be redeemed for a free soft-serve ice cream cone at any of his many locations across the country. Enjoy!

Out of Retirement...

SPA Bob
Originally uploaded by Rob Lee.

In response to the latest Social Security scare, former Senator Strom Thurmond has decided to come out of retirement and become the new Mascot for the Washington Nationals

Irish Circus

Team MobileMoney #2
Originally uploaded by drwelzel.

We are ready to be shot out of the cannon sirs....

Iraqi air patrols

FighterHistoryInFlight
Originally uploaded by Muck N Fiddle.

A U.S. F-14 flys along with the new Iraqi airforce.

Congress Focuses On The Really Important Stuff

After seemingly endless sessions of wasting time on inconsequential matters (budget, yawn) congress finally got down to business yesterday by tackling the issue most important to rank and file Americans: millionaires doing drugs. The panel of our elected officials that are spearheading the investigation brought together baseballs most beloved hero's to try and prove to America that it is the players, not the balls that are juiced. Most of the proceeding went off without much in the way of fireworks, with the exception of having to stop the proceeding for one player who could not speak English. Once someone translated for Jose Canseco the questioning turned to Sammy Sosa who denies ever using the drug. The only player who did not deny using steroids (with the exception of Canseco, who was eating an anoboli-burger) was Mark McGuire. When asked about steroid use McGuire would only say "I am not here to talk about the past, I am only here to remind you all that my wife is hotter than any of yours."

Next up on the Congressional docket is an investigation into the tomato, fruit or vegetable? Senator Barbara Boxer explains, "We don't really know what the hell to do about Iraq, social security, Medicare or AIDS so we are going to stick to stuff where we get to be on t.v. and meet sports stars."

"Meet Me at the Rally" Skyrockets to Top of Lebanese Pop Charts

"Meet Me at the Rally", sung by Haboob and the Boobettes, has broken all records for single-week record sales in Lebanon, as it continues to dominate the Lebanese pop music charts for a third straight week.

The hit, wildly popular with young Lebanese, has been translated below for the benefit of the culturally minded among the Scoffer readership:

"Meet Me at the Rally"

Meet me at the rally,
There'll be some nice coffee for all,
When the muezzin calls out the adhan,
I'll be where the Syrians once were.

The rally is where my heart is,
Where all of my hopes have coalesced.
Oh, here where the nation is pulsing,
Can't you feel Lebanon's strength returning?

Sweet-breath'd Lebanon, famous of old,
Now famous again, but for freedom this time;
Meet me at the rally,
We'll tear our grandfathers' fears up in laughter!

Call out, muezzin, your adhan,
For today we all are listening-
Meet me at the rally, Lebanon,
Today is the day we were born!

(copyright Haboob, A.H. 1426)

Palestinians Hire Full Brass Band to Beseige Jericho