Britney Spears Surprise Mardi Gras Visit

In a much needed attempt to rekindle the flame of public attention, Mrs. K-Fed surprised the many participants of today's Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday. Spears, who has received a myriad of negative attention lately, decided Mardi Gras was the perfect time to re-connect with her fan base. Considering Spears' fan base consists of 12-year-old girls and Sorority Step-Show Participants, its makes perfect sense for her to make a comeback at this event, cuz all her peeps r gonna b there...booyah!
On a lighter note, Spears accidentally threw her infant child over the balcony to a screaming fan. When asked about the incident, she said "I thought it was a plastic cigar."

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be in a Rubber-Stamp Assembly

Every North Korean wants to be a member of the country's rubber-stamp assembly someday, extrapolated data from a recent poll indicate.

In a survey of one thousand North Koreans, every single respondent answered in the affirmative when asked if they would like to join the powerless band of obsequious geriatrics whose sole function is to applaud when North Korean dictator Kim "Don't Mess with My Nodong" Jong-Il enters their assembly hall, and to continue applauding until he leaves.

However, in what would appear to be a statistical anomaly, all one thousand respondents also said they wanted to join the North Korean army. And, every surveyee polled expressed a desire to lick the miraculous boots of the world's most towering genius, Dear Leader Kim "American Spies Are Ruining Our Lovely Marxist Economy" Jong-Il. The discrepancy was partially rectified, though, by an explanation given by several of those polled, who said that their true wish would be to join the army, applaud pointlessly, AND lick Kim's blessed boots all at the same time.

Kim "My Nodong is Bigger than Your Nodong" Jong-Il expressed grudging satisfaction with the poll's results, but remarked that it "could have been more unanimous". Then he slaughtered a hecatomb of North Korean peasants, feasted on their carcasses, and whiled away the afternoon watching reruns of 'Starsky and Hutch' and playing video games with his favorite concubine's brood of illegitimate half-breeds.

Vive la Revolucion!

Oprah Issues First Fatwa

Apparently inspired by the efficacy of fatwas issued by mullahs in other parts of the world, talk show host and media tycoon Oprah Winfrey experimented with a fatwa of her own during yesterday's broadcast of her syndicated day-time vehicle, 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'.

"Ya'll know Oprah is rich as Croesus--ya'll know that's true, umm-hmm," Ms. Winfrey said at the beginning of yesterday's show. "And this little black girl from Mississippi, by duping sappy housewives into believing that buying copies of my magazine will give their lives some semblance of purpose, has amassed so great a fortune that she now feel she be ready to issue a fatwa. So, here it is, ya'll--I hereby issue a fatwa against carbs and all carb-related products. May Allah's wrath descend swiftly and furiously upon them!"

(At this point, Winfrey was extremely disappointed that bolts of lightning did not shoot from her upraised, clenched fists, sources close to Winfrey reported on condition of anonymity (I mean, who wants to admit to being friends with Oprah?).)

It is unknown if Allah's wrath descended, and, if it did, with what degree of swiftness and fury, upon any carbs or carb-related products following Oprah's spirited denunciation.

Mullahs in the real Islamic world, after hearing of Winfrey's experimental fatwa, immediately issued fatwas of their own, calling for Oprah to be murdered and her body to be strung up from the nearest minaret for the glory of Islam, a religion of peace and mercy, peace be upon the prophet Mohammed and his low-carb lifestyle.

Universal Pictures Announces Future Movie Releases

In order to combat sliding movie ticket sales, Universal Picturues has announced their new summer line up for 2006.

1. "How Stella Traded Her Groove For a Six Pack Of Vasoline And Some Fly Swatters"
2. "The Dabney Coleman Story"
3. "Sodom And Gomorrah: An Epic Love Story"
4. "Dr. UseForce or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Drop The Bomb On Iran"
5. "Indian Jones and The Danish Cartoon"

Please stay tuned for future releases!

Veep Cheney Invites Senator's Kerry and Clinton, Susan Sarandon, Eddie Vedder and Every Member Of Earth, Wind and Fire To An Upcoming Hunting Trip

Mere hours after the first reports were released that Vice President Cheney "accidentally" shot fellow hunter and friend Harry Whittington, White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan announced plans for the next VP's hunting trip. "WE here at the White House would like to extend a general invite to Senator's Hillary Clinton and John Kerry to join Mr. Cheney on his upcoming hunting trip," McClellan said at a press conference Tuesday morning, "This is perfect opportunity to put all of our partisan disagreements behind us and hit the woods for some good ole fashion killin'." When asked why Earth, Wind and Fire were invited McClellan stated "The group made a 'Dick and Bush' comment in the 2004 Presidential Election and we would like to extend our welcome hand and let that be water under the bridge, plus Mr. Cheney needs to really do something about all these wild-fires in California." The Press Secretary had no further comment on why Vedder and Sarandon were invited, but he did add "Pretty much anyone from Hollywood and the left side of the Senate were invited, and Brian Boitano just for the Olympic spirit." The trip will supposedly take place on White House grounds later this week.

"Old Yeller" Replaces "The Benedict Arnold Story" As Sen. Hillary Clinton's Favorite Movie

Muslims Protest Cartoons Depicting Islam as a Violent Religion by Rioting, Looting, and Blowing Things Up

After several European newspapers printed political cartoons depicting, among other things, the prophet Mohammed with a bomb in his turban, thus implying that Islam is a religion of violence, Muslims around the world took to the streets in defense of their beloved faith. Many, in order to demonstrate the essential eirenic nature of their creed, threw stones, smashed windows, turned over cars, looted businesses, tore "Do Not Remove" tags off of pillows and mattresses, set fires, ransacked embassies, hurled debris, attacked police officers, and blew up wedding parties.

"We are here to show the world that Islam is a peaceful religion," said Omar Omari, a Nablus resident who was among the demonstrators in Palestine on Saturday. "We are detonating ourselves and others, and will continue to do so until the world realizes that Islam is for peace, and nothing else."

Some bewildered residents of New York City expressed confusion over such claims as Omari's, however; Beth Miller, who works on Wall Street, said she seems to remember that the last time Muslims were so peaceful, two buildings mysteriously collapsed in the middle of downtown Manhattan.

"Thank goodness Islam is so just and serene," Miller said. "Otherwise, there could really be trouble."

Goodwill Agrees to Stop Selling Secondhand Smoke

In response to a rare public-relations hitch, Goodwill Industries has bowed to public pressure and has agreed to stop selling secondhand smoke at all of its outlets nationwide. The move was hailed by health and consumer advocacy groups as a major step towards eliminating secondhand smoke in the workplace.

As Lou Fogerty, spokesman for Goodwill, explained to The Daily Scoffer in a phone interview conducted on Thursday, "We at Goodwill, though dedicated to bringing secondhand items to the American public at reasonable prices, recognize that, in this particular instance, the carcinogenic-ness of secondhand smoke takes predecence to its secondhanded-ness, no matter how secondhand it may be, and compels us to forgo selling it in any of our stores. Those of our customers who wish to obtain secondhand smoke at below-wholesale prices will, in the future, have to look elsewhere for it."

Pro-secondhand smoke political action committees, however, branded Goodwill's move "a slap in the face to all Americans who want good old-fashioned lung cancer without having to pay for it". "Is nothing free anymore?!?", one secondhand smoke hobby newspaper (The Carbon Monoxide Moocher) decried.

The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation, and will, according to custom, report all secondhand news it receives as though it were iron-clad fact.

Howard Dean Makes Obligatory Monthly Statement

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean made his monthly derogatory comment Monday concerning the War in Iraq. Dean told a San Antonio radio station that the idea Americans can win the War in Iraq is "just plain wrong." He went on to relate this current United States quagmire with the Vietnam War (good one Dean, hadn't heard that one before) and said that the only way to end this struggle is to embrace a "retreat and defeat" strategy. The Daily Scoffer sat down with DNC Chairman Dean early today to discuss his recent comments.

TDS "Mr. Dean, it is nice to finally be able to speak with you. Thank you for agreeing to participate in this interview."

Dean "The pleasure is all mine, actually. Your internet publication is the finest this side of the Danube!"

TDS "Thats very kind of you considering we insult your mother privately ever morning."

Dean "What..Excuse me?"

TDS "Nevermind, lets get to the comment. So you are taking a novel approach as a Democrat and only criticizing the War as opposed to offering any viable solutions...Correct?"

Dean "Well, you see, one thing many Americans do not know is that as a card carrying member of the DNC we can only complain erroneously and not make any actual credible comments. I guess you could say it's our bag."

TDS "Fair enough. You also made a very novel connection between the War in Iraq and a past American military struggle in Vietnam. Explain."

Dean "I've been watching the news lately and noticed that all of the talking heads have failed to make the connection between this war and Vietnam. I thinks its pretty clever of me to make such a wise relation between the two."

TDS "Your mother is a very promiscuous woman. How do you feel about that?"

Dean "I'm sorry did you just say my mother was a whor.."

TDS "Mr. Dean, your mother's sexual behavior is neither here nor there...Lets continue. What about your strategy 'retreat and defeat?' Can you discuss that one?"

Dean "I think everyone would agree that after my amazing performance in the 2004 election that I am the resident expert on losing a battle. I mean, did you see my performance down the stretch? I just want to put my own personal experience to work and help resolve this problem in Iraq."

TDS "Mr. Dean, it has been a pleasure discussing this issue with you. Thank you for your time. Please give your mother our regards. That's all for now. Good Bye!"

The Scoffer Political Minute

Top Stories:

-After much consideration George W. Bush has decided that the United States should "stay the course" in Iraq. This flies in the face of his previous stance of "not letting the terrorists win".

-Scotter Libby will has changed his name to Segway Libby to try and distance himself from the recent Valerie Plame controversy.

-Update: Everybody still hates Dick Cheney.

-DNC chair Howard Dean announced that dems have narrowed down the options for their 2008 slogan to two finalists: "Better than the Libertarians" and "One Party, Zero Spine".

Please stay tuned for more news as it breaks.

Dora the Explorer and Bob the Builder Join Forces To Create Frank the Out-of-Wedlock Child

Love Burnin' Loaf

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm one heck of a Meatloaf fan. No, not the kind your mother used to make for me on Sunday mornings, but the singer guy. Some of you might know him better as Bob from Fight Club. Whatever your reference is, he freakin' rocks. I was listeneing to his greatest hit collection last night( it only has 1 song) and I began to ask myself..."What won't he do for love??????" This question has been burning through the deepest caverns of my loins for many hours now. I feel compelled to share my list of things that I believe that Mr. Loaf won't do for love. Here they are:

1. Dip Oreos in Karl Rove's milkshake.
2. Have "Captain and Tennille" tatoo laser removed from right buttock.
3. Legally change name to "Pot Roast."
4. Sell soul for Dr. Pepper commercial(damn, already did that!)
5. Accept President Bush's nomination for Supreme Court Justice.
6. Sell his financial stake in Corn Futures.
7. Publically condemn Iran for anti-semitic comments. "Hey man, the Loaf don't judge."
8. Explain why objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they are.

Please feel free to personally ponder your own ideas of things Mr. Loaf just will not do for love. Ciao.

Pat Robertson Prefers To "Take Out" South American Dictators And "Assassinate" Chinese Food

Israeli Forces "Pull-Out" Of Gaza Strip, Narrowly Escaping One Of The Most Awkward Pregnancies In History

In other news, prophylactic sales in the West Bank drastically increase.

Business at Gaza Starbucks Down 99% in 2 Days

Investors on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)were scrambling today amidst news that Starbucks will miss Q3 earnings expectations due to a sharp decline in stores on the Gaza Strip, surprisingly one of the company's most important regions. "We are freakin over here even though Starbucks trades on NASDAQ," one trader said, "that just shows how big this is and how touchy we are." Investors across the globe are scrambling to sell their calls, buy their puts and cover their shorts. David Tzur, analyst for CitiGroup, called the decline in Starbucks sales "by far the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis." Several Jewish settlers interviewed by The Scoffer seemed to think that the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis was the loss of their homes and Biblically promised birthrite.

In other news Cindy Sheehan is still the hottest chick on Fox News. (Sorry Greta)

Dave Merriman stuns legal community...

In the midst of a thrilling legal discussion at the local Chattanooga Ankar's restaurant, David Merriman, Jr. of Harrison, Tennessee casually dropped the "Writ of Jurisprudence" with a blatant disregard for any relativity to the conversation or actual knowledge of the aforementioned writ.

Raffy Comes Clean

Less than a week since the first stories of the alleged Palmeiro steroid scandal broke, the Baltimore Oriole's First Baseman has decided to end all speculation and come clean on the issue exclusively to The Daily Scoffer. "Ok, ok, you got me...MLB got me and now I'm, well, just a little screwed," Palmeiro stated late Wednesday night. He went on to say "it's a sad day when a grown man, a professional athlete at that, can't take a bit of the juice and not have anything to worry about. For the love of professional curling, I'm almost 41 years old...How the hell did you think I was still able to get out of bed in the morning and still compete with guys half my age?" About half way through the interview, conducted by TDS' own Boog Rector, a well respected journalist and personal friend of Rafael, Mr. Palmeiro decided to admit to a few other items of speculation in his life, albeit somewhat less interesting than the stanozolol topic. "Yes, I admit it, I like Kelly Clarkson, no, no, I love Kelly Clarkson. (singing) Since you've been gone, yeah, yeah, I can breathe for the first time....I'm so moving on, yeah, yeah. I mean seriously, that song is awesome. You wanna know what else, I don't wash my hands after using the bathroom and I voted for Al Gore. So there you go, put that in your pipe and smoke it." Mr. Palmeiro went on to admit numerous other personal items, most of which were rather disturbing. TDS has chosen to print the following list of admissions by Mr. Palmeiro only under extreme warning to the readers:

1. Subscribes to "German Horse Porn" Monthly
2. Dips Oreos in orange juice
3. Watches "The Situation" with Tucker Carlson
4. Bathes in jell-o
5. Owns every single copy of the "Hardy Boys"
6. Went on tour with Barry Manilow from 1987-89

The list goes on but we fell that the above is more than enough for you to make your own opinion of good ol' Raffy.

Latest Summer Fashion

KN03Uzz
Originally uploaded by loftindupuis.

Scranton, New Jersey's "School for the Color Blind and Fashion Design" recently released their Summer 2005 Fashion Collection. This urbane young man is wearing the flagship outfit.

Iraqis Elect Kurd

Whey leader demands recount.

Note To Self...

The Good Shepherd
Originally uploaded by D LeRoy.

Never trade car for Yak coat and thin wooden stick.