International Cycling Committee Votes On Future Racing Venues

Every year the I.C.C gathers in Prague to vote on future racing sites. While the Tour de France is by far the most popular cycling race in the world, the I.C.C. is looking to expand the popularity of the sport by creating new race locales. The Daily Scoffer, in a glorious display of journalism ingenuity, has received the voting results weeks before they will be released. The nine member panel voted as follows:

Tour de Kosovo, defeated 5-4
Tour de Birchwood, passed 7-2
Tour de Compton, passed 6-3
Tour de Pacific Rim of Fire, defeated 5-4
Tour de Gary's Backyard, passed 9-0
Tour de Pyongyang, passed 5-4
Tour de Southern Lebanon, passed 6-3

I hope you are looking forward to the upcoming races as much as we are!

Hezbollah Means "Irish Pancake" In Arabic

Hey, why don't you middle-eastern guys stop killing each other?

This call for a cease fire was brought to you by The Daily Scoffer diplomatic corps. Doing what Condi won't since 2006.

Please stop quoting me on your billboards. If you want to know what I think read my book. - God

World Cup Disgrace

In case you have not noticed by now, but most of the material we write here on The Daily Scoffer is supposed to be funny, at least that's the goal anyway. But the following is an honest and personal reaction to the 2006 World Cup. Nothing funny but something that we feel needs to be said.....

Soccer, or Futbol rather, is the most popular sport pretty much everywhere on the planet other than here in the US. The World Cup only comes around every 4 years and is designed to be the stage to showcase the best soccer talent the globe has to offer. Much progress has been made of late here at home to increase our soccer awareness and passion. The MLS has provided an arena for people all over the country to witness this truly amazing sport. Heck, you even see a highlight on SportsCenter now and again. Girls and boys alike play soccer from the earliest of ages all the way to the collegiate level.
But for some reason, the sport still falls far behind in popularity as compared to (our) Football, Baseball and Basketball. After watching the 2006 World Cup, this stupid American finally realized why. (Please excuse the following language but it seems only necessary) International Futbol players are a bunch of PUSSIES! Plain and simple. Cut and Dry. Insert any other trite analogy here that you deem applicable. Watching the games from Round One on showed the world how embarrassingly fairy-like all of these "men" really are. There were more dives than an Olympic swim team event. It should be noted that the Europeans are most notorious for this pansy type of play, but just about every team is guilty except, guess who, good ole USA. Players from Africa to Asia to South America suffer what appears to be career-ending injuries, then miraculously return to the field only moments after being carted off on a stretcher.
You ask me what the most memorable image was of the 2006 Cup and I'll tell you its Brian McBride leaving the field with a face full of blood. Not rolling around on the turf like a fish out of water, but walking off. And only because the officials made him due to the blood. He came back shortly to play an amazing second half. Just look how many flops and dives within the box it took to get France into the final game. France it is official...YOU SUCK! Your whole existence is based on being cowards. How come the USA is the only nation in the world that has balls?!?! Balls to stand up for what is right and walk away with dignity. The way the US played in this 2006 World Cup made them the true winners in my book. All of the players can return home with their pride and dignity, knowing that they played their hearts out in a game they will likely never succeed at. And I think you know why. All we can do is cheer our team on, and wish them the best in 2010 in South Africa. And as for Zidane, I find it only hilariously enjoyable that the most disgraced player on the planet is a Frenchman. Thank You Zinedine for representing your home country so appropriately. GO USA!

Dear Diary,

I really miss the Nissan Stanza. I hope they bring it back soon.

Always,

Boog Rector

Past Article Revision

A few weeks ago The Daily Scoffer published an article titled "The Top Ten Worst Movies of All Time". In light of recent events, or releases rather, we would like to make a few changes concerning the list. In an amazing show of stench, The Devil Wears Prada has replaced The Notebook for top honors on the list. Although our entertainment reporter has yet to see aforementioned movie, he claims to have no doubt that The Devil Wears Prada deserves to be on the list and will undoubtedly blow serious Kim Jong-il chode. The Notebook will move to the second spot, Lorenzo's Oil will replace Xanadu in the seventh spot. Mercy has been shown to Olivia Newton-John as long as she promises to never, EVER, act again!

Our Offices Of Sarcasm, Wit and Humor Will Be Closed July 4th In Observence Of Independence Day

For immediate laughing matters, please reference our archived articles or remove your pants and look in a mirror. Contar Chistes!

Italian Swim Team Battles U.S. Footballers to 1-1 World Cup Draw

As one of the worlds greatest soccer playing nations Italy knew that they would have no problems dispatching an upstart American team with only one player whose last name could possibly be mistaken for a pasta (Mastroeni). Being the saints that they are the Italian side decided to send thier national swim team to do battle with the Americans in an effort to even things out. After the game the reviews were good for both sides, although the Italians had trouble transitioning from the pool to the pitch as they keep diving whenever the Americans got close.

(zing)

Top Ten Worst Movies Of All Time!

Entertainment Weekly and The Daily Scoffer recently teamed up to conduct an expansive internet poll to find out the contents of the following list. Taking months to complete, these results are definitive and exhaustive. Plus, everything you read on The Daily Scoffer is absolutely true! So here it is, the ten worst movies of all time...

10) Quigley Down Under
9) Snow Dogs
8) Judge Dredd
7) Xanadu
6) Heartbreakers
5) Iron Eagle III ( 1 was alright, 2 we watched, but there was no need for 3!)
4) Citizen Kane (no, this is not a typo, and yes, this was a horrible movie)
3) Double Impact
2) Lorenzo's Oil

And finally, the worst movie of all time is.....

1) The Notebook!

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From The Daily Scoffer Joke Section...

What did the tiger say to the zebra just before eating him?



I ain't Lion!

Ode to Zarqawi

(To the tune of 'American Pie', a Don McLean joint)

They were singing,
Bye, bye Mr. Al-Zarqaw-i
Drove my hum-vee to the pipeline but the pipeline was dry,
The Mujahideen were baking opium pie,
Singing, this will be the day that I die (praise be unto Allah)

And in the streets the falafel guy screamed,
And in the green zone they all turned on Larry King,
Not a Salaat was spoken, the Muezzin must have been tokin',
And the blog we all admire most,
Pulled through with another hilarious post,
The day Al-Zarqawi died.

They were singing,
Bye, bye Mr. Al-Zarqaw-i,
I hope all your heavenly virgins look like Katheryn Manheim,
It appears that you were not the most popular guy,
Because people smile when they hear that you've died,

(everybody now!)
They were singing,
Bye, bye Mr. Al-Zarqaw-i
Drove my hum-vee to the pipeline but the pipeline was dry,
The Mujahideen were baking opium pie,
Singing, this will be the day that I die (praise be unto Allah)
Singing, this will be the day that I die


Add your verse in the comments. It is a easy as...pie.

Loaf, and the World Loafs with You; Scoff, and You Scoff Alone

(Or, man learns bitter lesson by Scoffing for no one...)

Mr. Bub? Mr. Beelze Bub? Are you here tonight?

Oh, there you are, sir... Yes, our deal still stands. Check back in six years, will you, dear?

Hey, Barbara, watch what happens when I yank on "Tony's cajones" in the middle of his speech...

Guess What Mahmoud's Thinking

Here's a contest for our regular Scoffers (sorry, 'twas only vanity that led me to pluralize 'Scoffer'): try to guess what Mahmoud's thinking! Let's take a look at some possibilities--then, write your own ideas in the 'Comments' section...

~ "Look at this, a crowd for haranguing, and me without my rifle..."

~ "Guess where my other hand is!"

~ "Of all the lousy times for my underwear to start riding up on me."

~ "Do I flash the fascist salute now, or after I blame the Jews for everything?"

~ "Put 'er there, Saddam---SIKE!"

~ "Everybody do the robot."

~ "I'm missing The Scoffer for this?!?"

bin Laden Sends Wrong Tape

In an embarrassing slip-up, Osama bin Laden, who for the past several years has been taunting Western governments' failure to locate him by sending taped messages to Arabic-language networks, last week released a video tape to al Jazeera that, while labeled 'Death to Israel, Death to America, Redux', actually contained all the episodes of 'Designing Women' from the 1989-90 season.

Apparently bin Laden quickly realized his mistake, for, just two days after giving the world a glimpse into the hilarious hijinks of a group of Atlanta ladies running a design firm, bin Laden sent another tape to al Jazeera, this time promising, "death to Israel, and death to America--except for that Annie Potts. Her spunky witticisms really make my tent feel less lonely on long Afghani evenings."

WENT SPURS WENT