General Conference on Weights and Measures Declares One Buttload to Be Equal to 1.2 Arseloads

Local Artist Decides That 6,408% Markup Sounds About Right

Local artist Leonard S. Posier has settled on a going rate for his new line of 'mixed media' paintings, 64.08 times the cost he incurred to create them. "I know that it seem arbitrary, but I figure that art like mine should be appreciated and I can think of no better way than for art lovers to express their appreciation than monetarily" Posier told the Scoffer. Posier's art will be sold in galleries world wide, he hopes, someday. For now they will be sold in area coffee shops where he or his parents have a personal relationship with the owner. His first collection "girls from my dorm made of stuff i found in my dorm" is set to hit shop in November(we are told the lower case I is ironic). While the owner of Posier's gallery, "The Java Joint" is pessimistic that is clientele is ready to spend the $7689 price that Leonard's work carries he is optimistic that the hole in the wall next to the straw dispenser will be hidden for the foreseeable future.

How to Defeat North Korea

The Daily Scoffer usually strives to remain absolutely neutral on all events it covers, but as we feel that the following information may be vital for the defense of the Free World, we humbly submit it to our reading public, with our apologies for tarnishing our otherwise sterling record of unbiased reporting:

If war should break out on the Korean peninsula, all you gotta do is outfit the front line of the Allied forces with tremendous pictures of your favorite Commie dictator. Stalin, Mao, Lenin, Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Fidel Castro, Hillary Clinton--anyone will do. The North Koreans, conditioned from infancy to applaud the sight of any professional economy-wrecker, will drop their guns and clap like madmen until they all keel over dead. Then our boys can just stroll into Pyongyang and begin the real work of drawing pink moustaches on all the statues of the two Kims set up all over the joint.

The above has been a special announcement from The Daily Scoffer. It is meant only for the upper echelons of Allied Defense. Anyone else who reads it should definitely not tell the North Koreans or the Clintons about our plan.

North Korea Discovers Atomic Fission

North Korean scientists proved last week that they had discovered how to harness the frightful power of the atom. In a daring experiment, the Communist government detonated a bizarre device that somehow splits the nuclei of uranium atoms, thus causing a chain reaction that produces great amounts of energy. This is the first time in world history that anyone has been able to unlock the secrets of the invisible world of the sub-microscopic.

In the 1940s, scientists working in America came close to achieving the same results as the astute North Koreans, but the American project failed and no atomic bomb was ever used in the Second World War.

Shortly thereafter, the Soviets also tried and failed to create a so-called `atomic bomb`.

Then about twenty other countries were unsuccesful in crafting such a complex piece of weaponry, as well.

Finally, the despicable nation of Pakistan came up short in its own efforts to master the terrible art of fission explosions.

The North Koreans, flush with their recent success, yesterday announced a bold plan to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. There is also speculation that the reclusive Stalinist nation will broadcast images through thin air using an emerging technology that is tentatively being called `television`. Some Korea-watchers even suggest that the North may be developing a machine that will allow the user to input data and manipulate text on a screen in front of him, but the realization of such a device, the experts acknowledge, probably lies many years in the future.

Despite Repeated Warnings, Man Messes With Denise LaSalle`s Tutu

Local Sewer Board Candidates in Runoff Election

Gilbert Gottfried and Judy Tenuta Wed in Unintentionally Private Ceremony

Comedians Gilbert Gottfried and Judy Tenuta were married last Sunday in Brooklyn, New York City, in what the newlywed couple describe as an `unintentionally private` ceremony.

Gottfried, famous for his smooth, unannoying voice and his high-class stand-up act, and Tenuta, renowned for her demure stage repertoire, admitted to being nonplussed by the failure of even one person to attend their nuptials.

`I really can`t believe it`, the supple-larynxed Gottfried cooed. `We sent out three thousand invitations, and nobody...`

TDS was also invited, but we sent our regrets beforehand, explaining that we possessed ears and thus would not be able to attend.

Rocker and Physicist Team Up to Create Super-String Guitar

The typically stolid world of physics and cosmological research was shaken up yesterday when Stephen Hawking announced that he would be teaming up with Rolling Stones axeman Keith Richards to develop a super-string guitar.

`Super-strings are, like, totally radical`, said Hawking in a transcript released yesterday afternoon. `Keith`ll be able to blow people`s hair back all the way in the cheap seats if he jams on this new super-string guitar.`

Richards, who also attended the press conference where Hawking announced the collaboration, concurred, adding:

`I`ve always been looking for a way to bring classical and quantum physics closer together in my music, and now Dr. Hawking has show me how. The only drawback is that strings, even super ones, are entirely too small to see, much less play. So, for now, I`m rocking out in my mind. The other day I played a seven-hour solo for six hundred trillion people at Wembley Stadium, and raked in eleventy gajillion pounds in one night. It`s all because of super-strings. Thanks, Dr. Hawking.`

The U.S. State Department Categorically Denies that I Am a Pencil-Neck

`Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending today`s press briefing. There is only one item on the agenda today--namely, the United States Department of State categorically and vigorously denies that I am a pencil-neck.

`Before I arrived at work this morning I was ogled by several buxom blondes in the parking lot of the dry cleaners. While waiting at a red light during the commute to the office I was given the old double-take by a very fetching woman in a very red dress. And just as I was about to step up to the podium you, madam, in the back row, glanced at me in a way that can mean only one thing.

`I have in my hands a direct order from the President of the United States. If anyone calls me a pencil-neck again, I have the right to deny it categorically and vigorously. And if anyone calls me a pencil-neck twice, I have the right to tell the President on that person.

`The State Department has a long and proud tradition of not employing pencil-necks, or anyone else who seems to be a spineless rag flapping about in the breeze of political correctness. We live dangerously here at State, folks. And if you don`t think so, then just try to mess with me.

I`ll tell. I promise I will.`

The Gestalt Prayer

I do my thing, and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

F.S. Perls

Kids Across The World Unite Celebrating The Recent Spinach Recall

Once a part of the great hated-vegetable-triumvirate that also included brussel sprouts and asparagus, spinach is now just a shell of its former self. In light of the recent events, parents are struggling to fill the void left by the absent leafy side dish. But don't look to any kids across the world to be shedding any tears. "This is sooooo cool!", said Corey Mathewson of Internaitonal Falls, MN. Corroborating his sentiments was Hishmar Dazry of Islamabad, Pakistan, "My mom used to totally make me eat that crap all the time...now its nothing but cookies and ice cream!" (You may be surprised but we here that TDS are fluent in Hindi, Farsi and Aramaic.)
Brussel Sprout and asaragus farmers are working overtime to make up for the hole left by the spinach recall. Dwayne Tucker, a brussel sprout farmer in Des Moines, IA, told TDS that his office has been flooded with requests from local parents to step up production. The You Better Eat Your Vegetables Debate is a timeless struggle, one that often ends in a stalemate. Kids across the globe are willing to go to bed without dessert, TV or video games in order to avoid eating the vile plants that adults call food.
The Global Assosciation of Kids, or GAK, is calling for all its members to unite in prayer that a similar recall will affect asparagus, brussel sprouts and many other hated vegetables.

Thank You, Us

Dear Scoffer Staff,

It is with great pleasure that I note that the counter on the Scoffer site meter is within a few hits of 4,000. This is remarkable news, and has been made possible by the efforts of us.

As the only readers of this most excellent blog, we have only ourselves to thank for the stupendous achievement to which we shall, God willing, soon be privy. So, thanks, us, for all that you do to make this site such an unparalleled success (among us).

Sincerely,
Scoffer Staff

Who Said It?

Inspired by a decidedly non-biased text-box in a recent issue of the unbiased Marxist mouthpiece Newsweek, Scoffer Staff have compiled their own short and, hopefully, entertaining quiz concerning Presidential quotes.

Which U.S. President first uttered the following?
(Answers below)

1. Tooth

2. Bird

3. Jujubes

4. Tough actin` Tinactin

5. My Blackberry`s memory stick is unable to cope with the preponderance of my Presidential wisdom.

6. Frick you, King-boy!

7. One if by land, two if by sea, and three if it`s Chuck Norris by zipline.

8. The

9. And

10. Give me liberty, or give me the Three-Fifths Compromise.











(Answers: 1-9, George Washington; 10. Peter Stuyvesant (trick question))

Muslims Blow Up Children in Protest Against Westerners` Unfair Comments Accusing Muslims of Blowing Up Children

Hugo Chavez Makes Eleven-Hour Speech at Dinner Table to Ask Son to Pass the Peas

Heiress to Sugar Plantation Fortune to Receive Inheritance in Two Lump Sums

Love 2.0

In 1967 John Lennon proclaimed that all you need is love with the Beatles hit cleverly titled "All You Need Is Love". In 1967 this was true, but as we all know times change. Never ones to let things get swept under the rug, we here at TDS have taken the time to disgrace the memory of the Beatles by rewriting the lyrics of Lennon's classic for the year 2006. (Scoffer Staff updates in italics)

There's nothing you can do that can't be done cheaper by an Indian grad student,
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung by an American Idol contestant
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy for rich people
All you need is love, and an interest only loan
and TiVo
and a subscription to FlexJet
and a Dyson vacuum cleaner
and a Dodge Cirrus
and triple tray ceilings
and a swifer wetjet
and Hummer cologne
and a strong to very strong portfolio
and Vonage
and a Treo
and some Lucky Jeans
and a flat panel TV
and an American Express Black
and Sugar Free RedBull
and a Segway
and a Taylor Hicks CD
and a friend with a sailboat
and some really tasteful business cards
and bed head
and an IPod
and some cabs and zins
and love.

All you need is love, love, and that other stuff and love is all you need.

Has Anyone Seen My Suitcases?

Forever Yours-
Uncle Frank

Recent Mid-East Crisis Forces Rosie O`Donnell to Change the Name of her Gay Women`s Support Group to Something Other than `Lesb-Anon`

Man Drives to Neighboring State to Save Two Cents per Gallon on Gasoline...

...then pays $8.99 for a candy bar and a bottle of water at the gas station convenience store.