Friday, July 28, 2006

International Cycling Committee Votes On Future Racing Venues

Every year the I.C.C gathers in Prague to vote on future racing sites. While the Tour de France is by far the most popular cycling race in the world, the I.C.C. is looking to expand the popularity of the sport by creating new race locales. The Daily Scoffer, in a glorious display of journalism ingenuity, has received the voting results weeks before they will be released. The nine member panel voted as follows:

Tour de Kosovo, defeated 5-4
Tour de Birchwood, passed 7-2
Tour de Compton, passed 6-3
Tour de Pacific Rim of Fire, defeated 5-4
Tour de Gary's Backyard, passed 9-0
Tour de Pyongyang, passed 5-4
Tour de Southern Lebanon, passed 6-3

I hope you are looking forward to the upcoming races as much as we are!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Hezbollah Means "Irish Pancake" In Arabic

Hey, why don't you middle-eastern guys stop killing each other?

This call for a cease fire was brought to you by The Daily Scoffer diplomatic corps. Doing what Condi won't since 2006.

Monday, July 10, 2006

World Cup Disgrace

In case you have not noticed by now, but most of the material we write here on The Daily Scoffer is supposed to be funny, at least that's the goal anyway. But the following is an honest and personal reaction to the 2006 World Cup. Nothing funny but something that we feel needs to be said.....

Soccer, or Futbol rather, is the most popular sport pretty much everywhere on the planet other than here in the US. The World Cup only comes around every 4 years and is designed to be the stage to showcase the best soccer talent the globe has to offer. Much progress has been made of late here at home to increase our soccer awareness and passion. The MLS has provided an arena for people all over the country to witness this truly amazing sport. Heck, you even see a highlight on SportsCenter now and again. Girls and boys alike play soccer from the earliest of ages all the way to the collegiate level.
But for some reason, the sport still falls far behind in popularity as compared to (our) Football, Baseball and Basketball. After watching the 2006 World Cup, this stupid American finally realized why. (Please excuse the following language but it seems only necessary) International Futbol players are a bunch of PUSSIES! Plain and simple. Cut and Dry. Insert any other trite analogy here that you deem applicable. Watching the games from Round One on showed the world how embarrassingly fairy-like all of these "men" really are. There were more dives than an Olympic swim team event. It should be noted that the Europeans are most notorious for this pansy type of play, but just about every team is guilty except, guess who, good ole USA. Players from Africa to Asia to South America suffer what appears to be career-ending injuries, then miraculously return to the field only moments after being carted off on a stretcher.
You ask me what the most memorable image was of the 2006 Cup and I'll tell you its Brian McBride leaving the field with a face full of blood. Not rolling around on the turf like a fish out of water, but walking off. And only because the officials made him due to the blood. He came back shortly to play an amazing second half. Just look how many flops and dives within the box it took to get France into the final game. France it is official...YOU SUCK! Your whole existence is based on being cowards. How come the USA is the only nation in the world that has balls?!?! Balls to stand up for what is right and walk away with dignity. The way the US played in this 2006 World Cup made them the true winners in my book. All of the players can return home with their pride and dignity, knowing that they played their hearts out in a game they will likely never succeed at. And I think you know why. All we can do is cheer our team on, and wish them the best in 2010 in South Africa. And as for Zidane, I find it only hilariously enjoyable that the most disgraced player on the planet is a Frenchman. Thank You Zinedine for representing your home country so appropriately. GO USA!

Dear Diary,

I really miss the Nissan Stanza. I hope they bring it back soon.

Always,

Boog Rector

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Past Article Revision

A few weeks ago The Daily Scoffer published an article titled "The Top Ten Worst Movies of All Time". In light of recent events, or releases rather, we would like to make a few changes concerning the list. In an amazing show of stench, The Devil Wears Prada has replaced The Notebook for top honors on the list. Although our entertainment reporter has yet to see aforementioned movie, he claims to have no doubt that The Devil Wears Prada deserves to be on the list and will undoubtedly blow serious Kim Jong-il chode. The Notebook will move to the second spot, Lorenzo's Oil will replace Xanadu in the seventh spot. Mercy has been shown to Olivia Newton-John as long as she promises to never, EVER, act again!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Our Offices Of Sarcasm, Wit and Humor Will Be Closed July 4th In Observence Of Independence Day

For immediate laughing matters, please reference our archived articles or remove your pants and look in a mirror. Contar Chistes!