The U.S. State Department Categorically Denies that I Am a Pencil-Neck

`Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending today`s press briefing. There is only one item on the agenda today--namely, the United States Department of State categorically and vigorously denies that I am a pencil-neck.

`Before I arrived at work this morning I was ogled by several buxom blondes in the parking lot of the dry cleaners. While waiting at a red light during the commute to the office I was given the old double-take by a very fetching woman in a very red dress. And just as I was about to step up to the podium you, madam, in the back row, glanced at me in a way that can mean only one thing.

`I have in my hands a direct order from the President of the United States. If anyone calls me a pencil-neck again, I have the right to deny it categorically and vigorously. And if anyone calls me a pencil-neck twice, I have the right to tell the President on that person.

`The State Department has a long and proud tradition of not employing pencil-necks, or anyone else who seems to be a spineless rag flapping about in the breeze of political correctness. We live dangerously here at State, folks. And if you don`t think so, then just try to mess with me.

I`ll tell. I promise I will.`

The Gestalt Prayer

I do my thing, and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

F.S. Perls

Kids Across The World Unite Celebrating The Recent Spinach Recall

Once a part of the great hated-vegetable-triumvirate that also included brussel sprouts and asparagus, spinach is now just a shell of its former self. In light of the recent events, parents are struggling to fill the void left by the absent leafy side dish. But don't look to any kids across the world to be shedding any tears. "This is sooooo cool!", said Corey Mathewson of Internaitonal Falls, MN. Corroborating his sentiments was Hishmar Dazry of Islamabad, Pakistan, "My mom used to totally make me eat that crap all the time...now its nothing but cookies and ice cream!" (You may be surprised but we here that TDS are fluent in Hindi, Farsi and Aramaic.)
Brussel Sprout and asaragus farmers are working overtime to make up for the hole left by the spinach recall. Dwayne Tucker, a brussel sprout farmer in Des Moines, IA, told TDS that his office has been flooded with requests from local parents to step up production. The You Better Eat Your Vegetables Debate is a timeless struggle, one that often ends in a stalemate. Kids across the globe are willing to go to bed without dessert, TV or video games in order to avoid eating the vile plants that adults call food.
The Global Assosciation of Kids, or GAK, is calling for all its members to unite in prayer that a similar recall will affect asparagus, brussel sprouts and many other hated vegetables.

Thank You, Us

Dear Scoffer Staff,

It is with great pleasure that I note that the counter on the Scoffer site meter is within a few hits of 4,000. This is remarkable news, and has been made possible by the efforts of us.

As the only readers of this most excellent blog, we have only ourselves to thank for the stupendous achievement to which we shall, God willing, soon be privy. So, thanks, us, for all that you do to make this site such an unparalleled success (among us).

Sincerely,
Scoffer Staff

Who Said It?

Inspired by a decidedly non-biased text-box in a recent issue of the unbiased Marxist mouthpiece Newsweek, Scoffer Staff have compiled their own short and, hopefully, entertaining quiz concerning Presidential quotes.

Which U.S. President first uttered the following?
(Answers below)

1. Tooth

2. Bird

3. Jujubes

4. Tough actin` Tinactin

5. My Blackberry`s memory stick is unable to cope with the preponderance of my Presidential wisdom.

6. Frick you, King-boy!

7. One if by land, two if by sea, and three if it`s Chuck Norris by zipline.

8. The

9. And

10. Give me liberty, or give me the Three-Fifths Compromise.











(Answers: 1-9, George Washington; 10. Peter Stuyvesant (trick question))

Muslims Blow Up Children in Protest Against Westerners` Unfair Comments Accusing Muslims of Blowing Up Children

Hugo Chavez Makes Eleven-Hour Speech at Dinner Table to Ask Son to Pass the Peas

Heiress to Sugar Plantation Fortune to Receive Inheritance in Two Lump Sums

Love 2.0

In 1967 John Lennon proclaimed that all you need is love with the Beatles hit cleverly titled "All You Need Is Love". In 1967 this was true, but as we all know times change. Never ones to let things get swept under the rug, we here at TDS have taken the time to disgrace the memory of the Beatles by rewriting the lyrics of Lennon's classic for the year 2006. (Scoffer Staff updates in italics)

There's nothing you can do that can't be done cheaper by an Indian grad student,
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung by an American Idol contestant
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy for rich people
All you need is love, and an interest only loan
and TiVo
and a subscription to FlexJet
and a Dyson vacuum cleaner
and a Dodge Cirrus
and triple tray ceilings
and a swifer wetjet
and Hummer cologne
and a strong to very strong portfolio
and Vonage
and a Treo
and some Lucky Jeans
and a flat panel TV
and an American Express Black
and Sugar Free RedBull
and a Segway
and a Taylor Hicks CD
and a friend with a sailboat
and some really tasteful business cards
and bed head
and an IPod
and some cabs and zins
and love.

All you need is love, love, and that other stuff and love is all you need.

Has Anyone Seen My Suitcases?

Forever Yours-
Uncle Frank

Recent Mid-East Crisis Forces Rosie O`Donnell to Change the Name of her Gay Women`s Support Group to Something Other than `Lesb-Anon`

Man Drives to Neighboring State to Save Two Cents per Gallon on Gasoline...

...then pays $8.99 for a candy bar and a bottle of water at the gas station convenience store.

"Pluto, You`re Fired."