Michael Vick Ditches Dogs, Turns to Fighting Orphans

What I Learned From the CNN YouTube Debate

Last night's CNN YouTube debate was moderated by Anderson Cooper with questions submitted via YouTube by people across the globe. This forum proved exciting because debates of yore are always boring and contrived, where most of the questions are known by the candidates prior to the actual debate. The diversity of the questions posed last night ranged just as much as the questioners themselves. Of course we heard about the War in Iraq and Health Care and Global Warming, but we also heard the candidates discuss Religion and Gay Marriage and the infamous Al "I invented YouTube and I Don't Care What Steve and Chad Say" Gore. I learned quite a bit last night about all eight of the Democratic Candidates. I learned that John Edward's father worked in a mill in small town in South Carolina. Hmm, hadn't heard that one before. I learned that Mike Gravel had difficulties speaking as a child and currently has trouble making any sense whatsoever as an adult. I learned that indeed no one is further to the left than Dennis Kucinich and that the only thing Joe Biden likes about Mr. Kucinich is his wife. Burn! I learned that not only does Bill Richardson have no business running for President, but he has very little to say on Immigration considering he is the governor of New MEXICO! I learned that Joe Biden is the only person on the stage that realizes that "pulling out" is not an effective form of war control.
I learned that Dennis Kucinich is actually asking people to text the word "peace" to 74227. I'm not sure what this will cure but can I borrow your cell phone? I learned that Hillary received applause for literally everything she said. Did anyone else find it ironic that the camera kept panning to Howard Dean after she spoke? I learned that, according to Hillary, voting for her would indeed constitute a change from the past three administrations. Hey America, I've got an idea! How about we vote for the same freakin family for president for the next 25 years. Sound good? I learned that Barack Obama is not Muslim and claims that he can get his kids into "any private school with no problems". Real nice B-O. My little brother is failing second grade in public school in Detroit because his teachers keep getting shot...can you help me? Unfortunately I learned nothing about Chris Dodd, other than the fact that his last name isn't Todd like I thought it was. Sorry Chris. Oh and one last thing, I learned that Dennis Kucinich texted Hillary something last night but it wasn't the word peace. I think it rhymed with "My hotel room in five."

We've Missed Us....

Greetings reader! Admittedly, the Scoffer Staff has been less than diligent at providing the world with jivetastically-awesome literary ingenuity. We have been very, very busy with many important responsibilities. Responsibilities, if shirked, could prove deleterious for all of mankind. Or is it now womankind? Guess we'll wait until next year for that one. I don't know about you, but I can't wait until the Free World tour bus is driven by a woman who can't drive a stick shift. Pink curtains in the Oval Office and a can of FDS in the First Bathroom, and that's just when Bill moves back in. But I digress...I was about to disclose the very reasons why we have not been able to provide you with our daily banter. So here goes, the "Top Ten Things We Have Been Doing Since November 7, 2006":

10. Realizing the annual bet we make with Las Vegas bookies that the New Orleans Saints will win the Super Bowl, one we've been making since 1967 with extreme failure, may actually win big.
9. Stealing money from John McCain's Campaign Fund
8. Taking Michael Moore on a boat ride to France so we can kick his fat-ass...oh never mind. I just wanted to insult the French, those effeminate bastards!
7. Trying to get our "Crotch-Shot Fever" Coffee Table Book published.
6. Pitching "America's Next Best Fatty Who Can Do A Little Dance and Sing a Song Without The Lyrics While Beating Up A Fifth Grader" to all the major networks. (Fox is interested)
5. Basking in the rays of our own greatness.
4. Throwing Tony Blair the most bitching going away party ever. With special guest stripper Angela Merkel.
3. Writing 3 letters a day, every day, addressed to Michael Bolton, begging him to once again grow out his hair.
2. Sleeping.
1. Brokering the deal that brought Becks and his amazingly hot wife to the good ole U. S. of A. God Bless America. That's Major!