We've Missed Us....

Greetings reader! Admittedly, the Scoffer Staff has been less than diligent at providing the world with jivetastically-awesome literary ingenuity. We have been very, very busy with many important responsibilities. Responsibilities, if shirked, could prove deleterious for all of mankind. Or is it now womankind? Guess we'll wait until next year for that one. I don't know about you, but I can't wait until the Free World tour bus is driven by a woman who can't drive a stick shift. Pink curtains in the Oval Office and a can of FDS in the First Bathroom, and that's just when Bill moves back in. But I digress...I was about to disclose the very reasons why we have not been able to provide you with our daily banter. So here goes, the "Top Ten Things We Have Been Doing Since November 7, 2006":

10. Realizing the annual bet we make with Las Vegas bookies that the New Orleans Saints will win the Super Bowl, one we've been making since 1967 with extreme failure, may actually win big.
9. Stealing money from John McCain's Campaign Fund
8. Taking Michael Moore on a boat ride to France so we can kick his fat-ass...oh never mind. I just wanted to insult the French, those effeminate bastards!
7. Trying to get our "Crotch-Shot Fever" Coffee Table Book published.
6. Pitching "America's Next Best Fatty Who Can Do A Little Dance and Sing a Song Without The Lyrics While Beating Up A Fifth Grader" to all the major networks. (Fox is interested)
5. Basking in the rays of our own greatness.
4. Throwing Tony Blair the most bitching going away party ever. With special guest stripper Angela Merkel.
3. Writing 3 letters a day, every day, addressed to Michael Bolton, begging him to once again grow out his hair.
2. Sleeping.
1. Brokering the deal that brought Becks and his amazingly hot wife to the good ole U. S. of A. God Bless America. That's Major!