Pat Robertson Prefers To "Take Out" South American Dictators And "Assassinate" Chinese Food

Israeli Forces "Pull-Out" Of Gaza Strip, Narrowly Escaping One Of The Most Awkward Pregnancies In History

In other news, prophylactic sales in the West Bank drastically increase.

Business at Gaza Starbucks Down 99% in 2 Days

Investors on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)were scrambling today amidst news that Starbucks will miss Q3 earnings expectations due to a sharp decline in stores on the Gaza Strip, surprisingly one of the company's most important regions. "We are freakin over here even though Starbucks trades on NASDAQ," one trader said, "that just shows how big this is and how touchy we are." Investors across the globe are scrambling to sell their calls, buy their puts and cover their shorts. David Tzur, analyst for CitiGroup, called the decline in Starbucks sales "by far the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis." Several Jewish settlers interviewed by The Scoffer seemed to think that the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis was the loss of their homes and Biblically promised birthrite.

In other news Cindy Sheehan is still the hottest chick on Fox News. (Sorry Greta)

Dave Merriman stuns legal community...

In the midst of a thrilling legal discussion at the local Chattanooga Ankar's restaurant, David Merriman, Jr. of Harrison, Tennessee casually dropped the "Writ of Jurisprudence" with a blatant disregard for any relativity to the conversation or actual knowledge of the aforementioned writ.

Raffy Comes Clean

Less than a week since the first stories of the alleged Palmeiro steroid scandal broke, the Baltimore Oriole's First Baseman has decided to end all speculation and come clean on the issue exclusively to The Daily Scoffer. "Ok, ok, you got me...MLB got me and now I'm, well, just a little screwed," Palmeiro stated late Wednesday night. He went on to say "it's a sad day when a grown man, a professional athlete at that, can't take a bit of the juice and not have anything to worry about. For the love of professional curling, I'm almost 41 years old...How the hell did you think I was still able to get out of bed in the morning and still compete with guys half my age?" About half way through the interview, conducted by TDS' own Boog Rector, a well respected journalist and personal friend of Rafael, Mr. Palmeiro decided to admit to a few other items of speculation in his life, albeit somewhat less interesting than the stanozolol topic. "Yes, I admit it, I like Kelly Clarkson, no, no, I love Kelly Clarkson. (singing) Since you've been gone, yeah, yeah, I can breathe for the first time....I'm so moving on, yeah, yeah. I mean seriously, that song is awesome. You wanna know what else, I don't wash my hands after using the bathroom and I voted for Al Gore. So there you go, put that in your pipe and smoke it." Mr. Palmeiro went on to admit numerous other personal items, most of which were rather disturbing. TDS has chosen to print the following list of admissions by Mr. Palmeiro only under extreme warning to the readers:

1. Subscribes to "German Horse Porn" Monthly
2. Dips Oreos in orange juice
3. Watches "The Situation" with Tucker Carlson
4. Bathes in jell-o
5. Owns every single copy of the "Hardy Boys"
6. Went on tour with Barry Manilow from 1987-89

The list goes on but we fell that the above is more than enough for you to make your own opinion of good ol' Raffy.