Business at Gaza Starbucks Down 99% in 2 Days

Investors on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE)were scrambling today amidst news that Starbucks will miss Q3 earnings expectations due to a sharp decline in stores on the Gaza Strip, surprisingly one of the company's most important regions. "We are freakin over here even though Starbucks trades on NASDAQ," one trader said, "that just shows how big this is and how touchy we are." Investors across the globe are scrambling to sell their calls, buy their puts and cover their shorts. David Tzur, analyst for CitiGroup, called the decline in Starbucks sales "by far the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis." Several Jewish settlers interviewed by The Scoffer seemed to think that the most devastating side effect of the Israeli-Palestinian crisis was the loss of their homes and Biblically promised birthrite.

In other news Cindy Sheehan is still the hottest chick on Fox News. (Sorry Greta)