Michael Vick Ditches Dogs, Turns to Fighting Orphans

What I Learned From the CNN YouTube Debate

Last night's CNN YouTube debate was moderated by Anderson Cooper with questions submitted via YouTube by people across the globe. This forum proved exciting because debates of yore are always boring and contrived, where most of the questions are known by the candidates prior to the actual debate. The diversity of the questions posed last night ranged just as much as the questioners themselves. Of course we heard about the War in Iraq and Health Care and Global Warming, but we also heard the candidates discuss Religion and Gay Marriage and the infamous Al "I invented YouTube and I Don't Care What Steve and Chad Say" Gore. I learned quite a bit last night about all eight of the Democratic Candidates. I learned that John Edward's father worked in a mill in small town in South Carolina. Hmm, hadn't heard that one before. I learned that Mike Gravel had difficulties speaking as a child and currently has trouble making any sense whatsoever as an adult. I learned that indeed no one is further to the left than Dennis Kucinich and that the only thing Joe Biden likes about Mr. Kucinich is his wife. Burn! I learned that not only does Bill Richardson have no business running for President, but he has very little to say on Immigration considering he is the governor of New MEXICO! I learned that Joe Biden is the only person on the stage that realizes that "pulling out" is not an effective form of war control.
I learned that Dennis Kucinich is actually asking people to text the word "peace" to 74227. I'm not sure what this will cure but can I borrow your cell phone? I learned that Hillary received applause for literally everything she said. Did anyone else find it ironic that the camera kept panning to Howard Dean after she spoke? I learned that, according to Hillary, voting for her would indeed constitute a change from the past three administrations. Hey America, I've got an idea! How about we vote for the same freakin family for president for the next 25 years. Sound good? I learned that Barack Obama is not Muslim and claims that he can get his kids into "any private school with no problems". Real nice B-O. My little brother is failing second grade in public school in Detroit because his teachers keep getting shot...can you help me? Unfortunately I learned nothing about Chris Dodd, other than the fact that his last name isn't Todd like I thought it was. Sorry Chris. Oh and one last thing, I learned that Dennis Kucinich texted Hillary something last night but it wasn't the word peace. I think it rhymed with "My hotel room in five."

We've Missed Us....

Greetings reader! Admittedly, the Scoffer Staff has been less than diligent at providing the world with jivetastically-awesome literary ingenuity. We have been very, very busy with many important responsibilities. Responsibilities, if shirked, could prove deleterious for all of mankind. Or is it now womankind? Guess we'll wait until next year for that one. I don't know about you, but I can't wait until the Free World tour bus is driven by a woman who can't drive a stick shift. Pink curtains in the Oval Office and a can of FDS in the First Bathroom, and that's just when Bill moves back in. But I digress...I was about to disclose the very reasons why we have not been able to provide you with our daily banter. So here goes, the "Top Ten Things We Have Been Doing Since November 7, 2006":

10. Realizing the annual bet we make with Las Vegas bookies that the New Orleans Saints will win the Super Bowl, one we've been making since 1967 with extreme failure, may actually win big.
9. Stealing money from John McCain's Campaign Fund
8. Taking Michael Moore on a boat ride to France so we can kick his fat-ass...oh never mind. I just wanted to insult the French, those effeminate bastards!
7. Trying to get our "Crotch-Shot Fever" Coffee Table Book published.
6. Pitching "America's Next Best Fatty Who Can Do A Little Dance and Sing a Song Without The Lyrics While Beating Up A Fifth Grader" to all the major networks. (Fox is interested)
5. Basking in the rays of our own greatness.
4. Throwing Tony Blair the most bitching going away party ever. With special guest stripper Angela Merkel.
3. Writing 3 letters a day, every day, addressed to Michael Bolton, begging him to once again grow out his hair.
2. Sleeping.
1. Brokering the deal that brought Becks and his amazingly hot wife to the good ole U. S. of A. God Bless America. That's Major!

Wealthy Projected To Control 100% Of The Senate

With 2% of precincts reporting TDS can project that the wealthy and privileged will retain 100% control of the Senate, 98% control of the House and no control over the war in Iraq...

More as it develops...

General Conference on Weights and Measures Declares One Buttload to Be Equal to 1.2 Arseloads

Local Artist Decides That 6,408% Markup Sounds About Right

Local artist Leonard S. Posier has settled on a going rate for his new line of 'mixed media' paintings, 64.08 times the cost he incurred to create them. "I know that it seem arbitrary, but I figure that art like mine should be appreciated and I can think of no better way than for art lovers to express their appreciation than monetarily" Posier told the Scoffer. Posier's art will be sold in galleries world wide, he hopes, someday. For now they will be sold in area coffee shops where he or his parents have a personal relationship with the owner. His first collection "girls from my dorm made of stuff i found in my dorm" is set to hit shop in November(we are told the lower case I is ironic). While the owner of Posier's gallery, "The Java Joint" is pessimistic that is clientele is ready to spend the $7689 price that Leonard's work carries he is optimistic that the hole in the wall next to the straw dispenser will be hidden for the foreseeable future.

How to Defeat North Korea

The Daily Scoffer usually strives to remain absolutely neutral on all events it covers, but as we feel that the following information may be vital for the defense of the Free World, we humbly submit it to our reading public, with our apologies for tarnishing our otherwise sterling record of unbiased reporting:

If war should break out on the Korean peninsula, all you gotta do is outfit the front line of the Allied forces with tremendous pictures of your favorite Commie dictator. Stalin, Mao, Lenin, Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Fidel Castro, Hillary Clinton--anyone will do. The North Koreans, conditioned from infancy to applaud the sight of any professional economy-wrecker, will drop their guns and clap like madmen until they all keel over dead. Then our boys can just stroll into Pyongyang and begin the real work of drawing pink moustaches on all the statues of the two Kims set up all over the joint.

The above has been a special announcement from The Daily Scoffer. It is meant only for the upper echelons of Allied Defense. Anyone else who reads it should definitely not tell the North Koreans or the Clintons about our plan.

North Korea Discovers Atomic Fission

North Korean scientists proved last week that they had discovered how to harness the frightful power of the atom. In a daring experiment, the Communist government detonated a bizarre device that somehow splits the nuclei of uranium atoms, thus causing a chain reaction that produces great amounts of energy. This is the first time in world history that anyone has been able to unlock the secrets of the invisible world of the sub-microscopic.

In the 1940s, scientists working in America came close to achieving the same results as the astute North Koreans, but the American project failed and no atomic bomb was ever used in the Second World War.

Shortly thereafter, the Soviets also tried and failed to create a so-called `atomic bomb`.

Then about twenty other countries were unsuccesful in crafting such a complex piece of weaponry, as well.

Finally, the despicable nation of Pakistan came up short in its own efforts to master the terrible art of fission explosions.

The North Koreans, flush with their recent success, yesterday announced a bold plan to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. There is also speculation that the reclusive Stalinist nation will broadcast images through thin air using an emerging technology that is tentatively being called `television`. Some Korea-watchers even suggest that the North may be developing a machine that will allow the user to input data and manipulate text on a screen in front of him, but the realization of such a device, the experts acknowledge, probably lies many years in the future.

Despite Repeated Warnings, Man Messes With Denise LaSalle`s Tutu