General Conference on Weights and Measures Declares One Buttload to Be Equal to 1.2 Arseloads
Veni Vidi Scoffi
Local artist Leonard S. Posier has settled on a going rate for his new line of 'mixed media' paintings, 64.08 times the cost he incurred to create them. "I know that it seem arbitrary, but I figure that art like mine should be appreciated and I can think of no better way than for art lovers to express their appreciation than monetarily" Posier told the Scoffer. Posier's art will be sold in galleries world wide, he hopes, someday. For now they will be sold in area coffee shops where he or his parents have a personal relationship with the owner. His first collection "girls from my dorm made of stuff i found in my dorm" is set to hit shop in November(we are told the lower case I is ironic). While the owner of Posier's gallery, "The Java Joint" is pessimistic that is clientele is ready to spend the $7689 price that Leonard's work carries he is optimistic that the hole in the wall next to the straw dispenser will be hidden for the foreseeable future.
The Daily Scoffer usually strives to remain absolutely neutral on all events it covers, but as we feel that the following information may be vital for the defense of the Free World, we humbly submit it to our reading public, with our apologies for tarnishing our otherwise sterling record of unbiased reporting:
If war should break out on the Korean peninsula, all you gotta do is outfit the front line of the Allied forces with tremendous pictures of your favorite Commie dictator. Stalin, Mao, Lenin, Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Fidel Castro, Hillary Clinton--anyone will do. The North Koreans, conditioned from infancy to applaud the sight of any professional economy-wrecker, will drop their guns and clap like madmen until they all keel over dead. Then our boys can just stroll into Pyongyang and begin the real work of drawing pink moustaches on all the statues of the two Kims set up all over the joint.
The above has been a special announcement from The Daily Scoffer. It is meant only for the upper echelons of Allied Defense. Anyone else who reads it should definitely not tell the North Koreans or the Clintons about our plan.
North Korean scientists proved last week that they had discovered how to harness the frightful power of the atom. In a daring experiment, the Communist government detonated a bizarre device that somehow splits the nuclei of uranium atoms, thus causing a chain reaction that produces great amounts of energy. This is the first time in world history that anyone has been able to unlock the secrets of the invisible world of the sub-microscopic.
In the 1940s, scientists working in America came close to achieving the same results as the astute North Koreans, but the American project failed and no atomic bomb was ever used in the Second World War.
Shortly thereafter, the Soviets also tried and failed to create a so-called `atomic bomb`.
Then about twenty other countries were unsuccesful in crafting such a complex piece of weaponry, as well.
Finally, the despicable nation of Pakistan came up short in its own efforts to master the terrible art of fission explosions.
The North Koreans, flush with their recent success, yesterday announced a bold plan to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. There is also speculation that the reclusive Stalinist nation will broadcast images through thin air using an emerging technology that is tentatively being called `television`. Some Korea-watchers even suggest that the North may be developing a machine that will allow the user to input data and manipulate text on a screen in front of him, but the realization of such a device, the experts acknowledge, probably lies many years in the future.
Comedians Gilbert Gottfried and Judy Tenuta were married last Sunday in Brooklyn, New York City, in what the newlywed couple describe as an `unintentionally private` ceremony.
Gottfried, famous for his smooth, unannoying voice and his high-class stand-up act, and Tenuta, renowned for her demure stage repertoire, admitted to being nonplussed by the failure of even one person to attend their nuptials.
`I really can`t believe it`, the supple-larynxed Gottfried cooed. `We sent out three thousand invitations, and nobody...`
TDS was also invited, but we sent our regrets beforehand, explaining that we possessed ears and thus would not be able to attend.
The typically stolid world of physics and cosmological research was shaken up yesterday when Stephen Hawking announced that he would be teaming up with Rolling Stones axeman Keith Richards to develop a super-string guitar.
`Super-strings are, like, totally radical`, said Hawking in a transcript released yesterday afternoon. `Keith`ll be able to blow people`s hair back all the way in the cheap seats if he jams on this new super-string guitar.`
Richards, who also attended the press conference where Hawking announced the collaboration, concurred, adding:
`I`ve always been looking for a way to bring classical and quantum physics closer together in my music, and now Dr. Hawking has show me how. The only drawback is that strings, even super ones, are entirely too small to see, much less play. So, for now, I`m rocking out in my mind. The other day I played a seven-hour solo for six hundred trillion people at Wembley Stadium, and raked in eleventy gajillion pounds in one night. It`s all because of super-strings. Thanks, Dr. Hawking.`