Britney Spears Surprise Mardi Gras Visit

In a much needed attempt to rekindle the flame of public attention, Mrs. K-Fed surprised the many participants of today's Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday. Spears, who has received a myriad of negative attention lately, decided Mardi Gras was the perfect time to re-connect with her fan base. Considering Spears' fan base consists of 12-year-old girls and Sorority Step-Show Participants, its makes perfect sense for her to make a comeback at this event, cuz all her peeps r gonna b there...booyah!
On a lighter note, Spears accidentally threw her infant child over the balcony to a screaming fan. When asked about the incident, she said "I thought it was a plastic cigar."

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be in a Rubber-Stamp Assembly

Every North Korean wants to be a member of the country's rubber-stamp assembly someday, extrapolated data from a recent poll indicate.

In a survey of one thousand North Koreans, every single respondent answered in the affirmative when asked if they would like to join the powerless band of obsequious geriatrics whose sole function is to applaud when North Korean dictator Kim "Don't Mess with My Nodong" Jong-Il enters their assembly hall, and to continue applauding until he leaves.

However, in what would appear to be a statistical anomaly, all one thousand respondents also said they wanted to join the North Korean army. And, every surveyee polled expressed a desire to lick the miraculous boots of the world's most towering genius, Dear Leader Kim "American Spies Are Ruining Our Lovely Marxist Economy" Jong-Il. The discrepancy was partially rectified, though, by an explanation given by several of those polled, who said that their true wish would be to join the army, applaud pointlessly, AND lick Kim's blessed boots all at the same time.

Kim "My Nodong is Bigger than Your Nodong" Jong-Il expressed grudging satisfaction with the poll's results, but remarked that it "could have been more unanimous". Then he slaughtered a hecatomb of North Korean peasants, feasted on their carcasses, and whiled away the afternoon watching reruns of 'Starsky and Hutch' and playing video games with his favorite concubine's brood of illegitimate half-breeds.

Vive la Revolucion!

Oprah Issues First Fatwa

Apparently inspired by the efficacy of fatwas issued by mullahs in other parts of the world, talk show host and media tycoon Oprah Winfrey experimented with a fatwa of her own during yesterday's broadcast of her syndicated day-time vehicle, 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'.

"Ya'll know Oprah is rich as Croesus--ya'll know that's true, umm-hmm," Ms. Winfrey said at the beginning of yesterday's show. "And this little black girl from Mississippi, by duping sappy housewives into believing that buying copies of my magazine will give their lives some semblance of purpose, has amassed so great a fortune that she now feel she be ready to issue a fatwa. So, here it is, ya'll--I hereby issue a fatwa against carbs and all carb-related products. May Allah's wrath descend swiftly and furiously upon them!"

(At this point, Winfrey was extremely disappointed that bolts of lightning did not shoot from her upraised, clenched fists, sources close to Winfrey reported on condition of anonymity (I mean, who wants to admit to being friends with Oprah?).)

It is unknown if Allah's wrath descended, and, if it did, with what degree of swiftness and fury, upon any carbs or carb-related products following Oprah's spirited denunciation.

Mullahs in the real Islamic world, after hearing of Winfrey's experimental fatwa, immediately issued fatwas of their own, calling for Oprah to be murdered and her body to be strung up from the nearest minaret for the glory of Islam, a religion of peace and mercy, peace be upon the prophet Mohammed and his low-carb lifestyle.

Universal Pictures Announces Future Movie Releases

In order to combat sliding movie ticket sales, Universal Picturues has announced their new summer line up for 2006.

1. "How Stella Traded Her Groove For a Six Pack Of Vasoline And Some Fly Swatters"
2. "The Dabney Coleman Story"
3. "Sodom And Gomorrah: An Epic Love Story"
4. "Dr. UseForce or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Drop The Bomb On Iran"
5. "Indian Jones and The Danish Cartoon"

Please stay tuned for future releases!

Veep Cheney Invites Senator's Kerry and Clinton, Susan Sarandon, Eddie Vedder and Every Member Of Earth, Wind and Fire To An Upcoming Hunting Trip

Mere hours after the first reports were released that Vice President Cheney "accidentally" shot fellow hunter and friend Harry Whittington, White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan announced plans for the next VP's hunting trip. "WE here at the White House would like to extend a general invite to Senator's Hillary Clinton and John Kerry to join Mr. Cheney on his upcoming hunting trip," McClellan said at a press conference Tuesday morning, "This is perfect opportunity to put all of our partisan disagreements behind us and hit the woods for some good ole fashion killin'." When asked why Earth, Wind and Fire were invited McClellan stated "The group made a 'Dick and Bush' comment in the 2004 Presidential Election and we would like to extend our welcome hand and let that be water under the bridge, plus Mr. Cheney needs to really do something about all these wild-fires in California." The Press Secretary had no further comment on why Vedder and Sarandon were invited, but he did add "Pretty much anyone from Hollywood and the left side of the Senate were invited, and Brian Boitano just for the Olympic spirit." The trip will supposedly take place on White House grounds later this week.

"Old Yeller" Replaces "The Benedict Arnold Story" As Sen. Hillary Clinton's Favorite Movie

Muslims Protest Cartoons Depicting Islam as a Violent Religion by Rioting, Looting, and Blowing Things Up

After several European newspapers printed political cartoons depicting, among other things, the prophet Mohammed with a bomb in his turban, thus implying that Islam is a religion of violence, Muslims around the world took to the streets in defense of their beloved faith. Many, in order to demonstrate the essential eirenic nature of their creed, threw stones, smashed windows, turned over cars, looted businesses, tore "Do Not Remove" tags off of pillows and mattresses, set fires, ransacked embassies, hurled debris, attacked police officers, and blew up wedding parties.

"We are here to show the world that Islam is a peaceful religion," said Omar Omari, a Nablus resident who was among the demonstrators in Palestine on Saturday. "We are detonating ourselves and others, and will continue to do so until the world realizes that Islam is for peace, and nothing else."

Some bewildered residents of New York City expressed confusion over such claims as Omari's, however; Beth Miller, who works on Wall Street, said she seems to remember that the last time Muslims were so peaceful, two buildings mysteriously collapsed in the middle of downtown Manhattan.

"Thank goodness Islam is so just and serene," Miller said. "Otherwise, there could really be trouble."

Goodwill Agrees to Stop Selling Secondhand Smoke

In response to a rare public-relations hitch, Goodwill Industries has bowed to public pressure and has agreed to stop selling secondhand smoke at all of its outlets nationwide. The move was hailed by health and consumer advocacy groups as a major step towards eliminating secondhand smoke in the workplace.

As Lou Fogerty, spokesman for Goodwill, explained to The Daily Scoffer in a phone interview conducted on Thursday, "We at Goodwill, though dedicated to bringing secondhand items to the American public at reasonable prices, recognize that, in this particular instance, the carcinogenic-ness of secondhand smoke takes predecence to its secondhanded-ness, no matter how secondhand it may be, and compels us to forgo selling it in any of our stores. Those of our customers who wish to obtain secondhand smoke at below-wholesale prices will, in the future, have to look elsewhere for it."

Pro-secondhand smoke political action committees, however, branded Goodwill's move "a slap in the face to all Americans who want good old-fashioned lung cancer without having to pay for it". "Is nothing free anymore?!?", one secondhand smoke hobby newspaper (The Carbon Monoxide Moocher) decried.

The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation, and will, according to custom, report all secondhand news it receives as though it were iron-clad fact.