Oprah Issues First Fatwa

Apparently inspired by the efficacy of fatwas issued by mullahs in other parts of the world, talk show host and media tycoon Oprah Winfrey experimented with a fatwa of her own during yesterday's broadcast of her syndicated day-time vehicle, 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'.

"Ya'll know Oprah is rich as Croesus--ya'll know that's true, umm-hmm," Ms. Winfrey said at the beginning of yesterday's show. "And this little black girl from Mississippi, by duping sappy housewives into believing that buying copies of my magazine will give their lives some semblance of purpose, has amassed so great a fortune that she now feel she be ready to issue a fatwa. So, here it is, ya'll--I hereby issue a fatwa against carbs and all carb-related products. May Allah's wrath descend swiftly and furiously upon them!"

(At this point, Winfrey was extremely disappointed that bolts of lightning did not shoot from her upraised, clenched fists, sources close to Winfrey reported on condition of anonymity (I mean, who wants to admit to being friends with Oprah?).)

It is unknown if Allah's wrath descended, and, if it did, with what degree of swiftness and fury, upon any carbs or carb-related products following Oprah's spirited denunciation.

Mullahs in the real Islamic world, after hearing of Winfrey's experimental fatwa, immediately issued fatwas of their own, calling for Oprah to be murdered and her body to be strung up from the nearest minaret for the glory of Islam, a religion of peace and mercy, peace be upon the prophet Mohammed and his low-carb lifestyle.