Goodwill Agrees to Stop Selling Secondhand Smoke

In response to a rare public-relations hitch, Goodwill Industries has bowed to public pressure and has agreed to stop selling secondhand smoke at all of its outlets nationwide. The move was hailed by health and consumer advocacy groups as a major step towards eliminating secondhand smoke in the workplace.

As Lou Fogerty, spokesman for Goodwill, explained to The Daily Scoffer in a phone interview conducted on Thursday, "We at Goodwill, though dedicated to bringing secondhand items to the American public at reasonable prices, recognize that, in this particular instance, the carcinogenic-ness of secondhand smoke takes predecence to its secondhanded-ness, no matter how secondhand it may be, and compels us to forgo selling it in any of our stores. Those of our customers who wish to obtain secondhand smoke at below-wholesale prices will, in the future, have to look elsewhere for it."

Pro-secondhand smoke political action committees, however, branded Goodwill's move "a slap in the face to all Americans who want good old-fashioned lung cancer without having to pay for it". "Is nothing free anymore?!?", one secondhand smoke hobby newspaper (The Carbon Monoxide Moocher) decried.

The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation, and will, according to custom, report all secondhand news it receives as though it were iron-clad fact.