Area Roommate Tired Of Being Called "Flatmate"

David Bryson, roommate of Carl Winslow, has had it with his roommates new found obsession with the British vernacular the Scoffer has learned. "His freakin girlfriend made him watch some Hugh Grant movie and now I am his flatmate and he keeps asking me if I want to go "tip a pint", Bryson reports. When asked what he was going to do about it Bryson said he will take Winslow mother, Dorothy Winslow, out for a nice fish and chips dinner then never call her again.

Best Prom Ever!

indeed
Originally uploaded by flannelmouthed.

The UPS truck Lance 'borrowed' from his dad would have made a sweet entrance had he decided to use the actual road instead of the grassy hill...but oh well, at least he made up for his driving shortcomings by giving his date the coolest gift ever. Nothing says 'Here's to the Best Night of Our Young Lives Thusfar' like portable sewing equipment. Lance Green...a real American Hero!

Writers Block Unacceptable Excuse For Factory Worker's Decreased Productivity

Mid Tournament Sponsor Rocks NCAA Hoops

Just days before the continuation of 2005's March Madness and the beginning of the Sweet Sixteen, NCAA Chairperson Nadia Bakersfield announced on Wednesday that Chang's House of Chinese Food will sponsor the duration of the tournament. The Topeka, Kansas based hot-spot approached Ms. Bakersfield months before the tournament began with the idea of naming each round after a favorite Chinese dish. "Basketball and all-you-can eat Orange chicken, what more can you ask for," Mr. Sammy Chang, owner of Chang's House of Chinese Food, told The Daily Scoffer. After months of persuasion and free Chinese food via overnight FED EX, Ms. Bakersfield finally decided to pull the trigger on the idea. "It's just too steamy of a concept to pass up," she announced in the Wednesday press conference. So here it is folks, for the rest of the tourney, the rounds will be named as follows:

"Sweet and Sour Pork with Snow Peas" Sixteen
"Moo Goo Gai Pan" Eight
"General Tso's Chicken" Four
"Mongolian Hot Pot with Tofu and Water Chestnuts" Championship Game

Mr. Chang states that all tickets sold to the final game can be redeemed for a free soft-serve ice cream cone at any of his many locations across the country. Enjoy!

Out of Retirement...

SPA Bob
Originally uploaded by Rob Lee.

In response to the latest Social Security scare, former Senator Strom Thurmond has decided to come out of retirement and become the new Mascot for the Washington Nationals

Irish Circus

Team MobileMoney #2
Originally uploaded by drwelzel.

We are ready to be shot out of the cannon sirs....

Iraqi air patrols

FighterHistoryInFlight
Originally uploaded by Muck N Fiddle.

A U.S. F-14 flys along with the new Iraqi airforce.

Congress Focuses On The Really Important Stuff

After seemingly endless sessions of wasting time on inconsequential matters (budget, yawn) congress finally got down to business yesterday by tackling the issue most important to rank and file Americans: millionaires doing drugs. The panel of our elected officials that are spearheading the investigation brought together baseballs most beloved hero's to try and prove to America that it is the players, not the balls that are juiced. Most of the proceeding went off without much in the way of fireworks, with the exception of having to stop the proceeding for one player who could not speak English. Once someone translated for Jose Canseco the questioning turned to Sammy Sosa who denies ever using the drug. The only player who did not deny using steroids (with the exception of Canseco, who was eating an anoboli-burger) was Mark McGuire. When asked about steroid use McGuire would only say "I am not here to talk about the past, I am only here to remind you all that my wife is hotter than any of yours."

Next up on the Congressional docket is an investigation into the tomato, fruit or vegetable? Senator Barbara Boxer explains, "We don't really know what the hell to do about Iraq, social security, Medicare or AIDS so we are going to stick to stuff where we get to be on t.v. and meet sports stars."

"Meet Me at the Rally" Skyrockets to Top of Lebanese Pop Charts

"Meet Me at the Rally", sung by Haboob and the Boobettes, has broken all records for single-week record sales in Lebanon, as it continues to dominate the Lebanese pop music charts for a third straight week.

The hit, wildly popular with young Lebanese, has been translated below for the benefit of the culturally minded among the Scoffer readership:

"Meet Me at the Rally"

Meet me at the rally,
There'll be some nice coffee for all,
When the muezzin calls out the adhan,
I'll be where the Syrians once were.

The rally is where my heart is,
Where all of my hopes have coalesced.
Oh, here where the nation is pulsing,
Can't you feel Lebanon's strength returning?

Sweet-breath'd Lebanon, famous of old,
Now famous again, but for freedom this time;
Meet me at the rally,
We'll tear our grandfathers' fears up in laughter!

Call out, muezzin, your adhan,
For today we all are listening-
Meet me at the rally, Lebanon,
Today is the day we were born!

(copyright Haboob, A.H. 1426)

Palestinians Hire Full Brass Band to Beseige Jericho

Ode To PUD

Sung to the tune of 'Home, Home on the Range'.

Home, home on the PUD
Where John is dreaming of suds
Where Minesweeper is played,
And everyone is late,
And the breakroom is gathering crud.

O PUD, o sweet PUD o' mine,
Where Pop spends most of his time
Where Lori's stamps are not safe
Where the hallways are taped
With Steve's pictures of jobs going fine.

Hooray PUD!

Home, Home on the PUD,
Where Tiny means large with a beard
When Jack is a Lifestyle
And John's hair is so wild-
For me, I can't help but cheer!

Life, Life on the PUD,
My liver yearns for relief,
But beer in the kitchen
And rock-shots I aint missin-
Pop or Steve, who's the chief?

HIP-HIP-HOORAY!

Home, home on the PUD
Where the Jack and Coke flows like a flood
Keep the client's half loaded
So when jobs are quoted
They will be drunk until after they sign...

PUD o Sweet PUD of mine
Where a square foot costs only a dime
You can loaf, sleep and meander,
grope, curse and slander
Just make sure you're at Outback by nine


Drunk like a fox.....(wink)

Jose Canseco Testifies before Congress that he "Did it All for Lebanese Independence"

Study Finds Fewer Americans being Wary of the Ides of March

March Madness No Laughing Matter At Pleasant Valley Psychiatric Home

"Color Me Bad" Press Conference

The music world was in a frenzy late Sunday night when former pop heavyweights 'Color Me Bad" announced a surprise Press Conference for Monday morning at a New York City hotel. Speculations flew rampant...where they getting back together...a new album...no one knew exactly what the outcome would be. Bryan Abrams, Mark Calderon, Sam Watters and Kevin Thornton slowly approached the podium in a room filled with journalists and reporters. "Good Morning everyone, as many of you well know, we are 'Color Me Bad.' You might remember us from the early nineties with such hits as 'I Wanna Sex You Up' and 'I Adore Mi Amore', well, we'd just like to take this opportunity to announce that we have no plans whatsoever of reuniting and we collectively think that it is best for all involved if we never, ever, release another album," quasi front man Sam Watters spoke. Well, you heard it hear first readers, no more 'Color Me Bad'. Please excuse me while I squirt something fierce. Good Day!

Monty Python finally crosses into the Orient

Originally uploaded by PatWat.

Yokohama CEO Nitaki Honshui was not impressed by the Talnet Show portion of Employee Appreciation Day last Friday

Mattress Ali Declares Fatwah On High Prices

Some say that western culture an values will never take hold in the middle east, but the American love for factory direct prices appears to be taking root in Baghdad. Hussein Atalli, better known as Mattress Ali, has declared that his Sadr City mattress factory and warehouse has declared a Fatwah on retail markups and Jihad against the middle man. "Bin Laden says that Americans are the great satan, but I know that name brand furniture stores are the real evil." Atalli proclaims on his t.v. commercial, "and anyone who doesn't shop Mattress Ali's first is the real infidel." Local clerics say that while they find Atalli slightly offensive the real offense is middle man markups.

Cousin Eddie speaks of Recreational Vehicle Waste Storage...

cousin_eddie2
Originally uploaded by begonia44.

"You see Clark, it'll hold more than you think...at least 25 Big Grumpies."

Our 'Sponsors' Smooch Rhino Choad--

Please do not patronize them under any circumstances (the sponsors, that is, not the rhinos.)

Lebanon Stockpiling Hotties

Recent news reports from Syria-occupied Lebanon have revealed a disturbing fact--Lebanon has secretly been stockpiling Middle Eastern hotties for what appears to have been dozens of years.

Footage of anti-Syrian rallies taking place in Lebanon clearly shows scores of exceptionally fetching lasses tossing their lovely brown hair and charmingly chanting pro-democracy slogans. Political scientists worldwide are stunned by the revelation, and promise to travel to the region in order to study the phenomenon directly. And in related news, military recruiting stations across the United States were flooded with calls from young men volunteering to travel to Lebanon in support of the cause.

"Such an outpouring of activism from our nation's youth is truly an uplifting sign," said Secretary of the Army Howie 'Howitzer' Jones. "I, too, have decided to join these young men on their journey to Lebanon, and am moving Army operations headquarters to a quaint little coffee shop located on a Lebanese side street near the local women's college. It's the least I can do."

When Lebanese men were asked what they thought of decades of Syrian oppression, a staggering ninety-eight percent responded that they hadn't really noticed.

Syrian Dictator Assad Finally Realizes, 'Oh, I Really DO Suck, Don't I?'

Non-Profit Stocks Hold Steady at Zero Cents a Share

Mr. Smith finally had enough of the new guy taking his prime parking spot...

cars
Originally uploaded by Marika.

Hey Baby....

reval
Originally uploaded by djfreshmoney.

Can I buy you a fish sandwich?

Who Is Spotting Who?

How many times have you been in the gym, and noticed a couple of scrawny, probably Canadian, guys over on the Bench Press with what appears to be an excessive amount of weight? Then you see one of the guys lift and realize the spotter has a tight grip on the bar and appears to be straining. What is going on here? Is the guy on the bench getting spotted, or is he actually the spotter and the guy standing is really doing dead lifts? This is a question that intrigued Dr. Harry DuMass of the Harvard Institute of Exercise and Health Studies (HIEHS). Dr. DuMass recently released the data from a nationwide study he conducted in conjunction with two well know nation wide gyms; The House of Power and Silvers.

Dr. Dumass was quoted as saying, “The results here were astonishing.” Out of all of the people studied, a remarkable 92% claim to not have realized that a guy standing over them straining as he pulls on the bar actually made the press easier and therefore less effective. Out of this 92% a stunning 68% were either Canadian or descendents of Canadians. Dr. DuMass was unsure what these results showed, however he did promise to conduct further studies to see if there was any real correlation between Canadians and bad work out technique.

Baseball future Hall of Famer and Icon Jose Canseco did read the study results and was shocked. He was quoted as saying, “What is wrong with these people? Have they not read my book? They need to quit cheating and have a couple of “Jose Shakes” a day." Jose did not elaborate on what exactly a “Jose Shake” is, but it is believed to possibly contain “performance enhancing supplements”.

While visiting one of the gyms used in the survey, I was able to interview a man that would only state his name as “Box”. Box claimed that he was not sure about how many people were cheating on the ole bench press, but he claimed to have had is eye on the “Guy in the Iowa Shirt” for some time now.

Dr. DuMass unfortunately was unable to report any other statistics from his study. He claims that he is still trying to figure out exactly what it was he was trying to figure out in the first place. However, with spring break approaching for many college students, Dr. DuMass did want to publish a quick workout plan for those idiots who think one week is plenty of time to get in shape for the beach. The workout plan consists of the following exercises:

1. Trampoline Bench Press. (Yes this is the one where you bounce the weight off your chest like a trampoline)

2. Simulated Squats. (Yes this is the one where you load up the bar with tons of weight and then realize it is way to heavy to go down more then an inch)

3. Way to Heavy Shrugs. (This is where you put like 500 pounds on the bar and try to shrug it, but all you are able to do is yell real loud)

4. Lower Back Curls. (This is where you load up the curl bar with way more weight then you can actually curl, instead of lowering the weight, you just swing hard enough to hit a home run with out steroids. Surprisingly, this works your lower back, not your biceps.

5. Run Backwards on the Treadmill. (Not exactly sure what this one does, but if you are dumb enough to try the others, why not this one too?)

Be sure to check back often for updates from Dr. DuMass. As soon as he releases further results, the Daily Scoffer will have them for you.

Oh well....

paris_hilton
Originally uploaded by krazykoolgirl12.

It was a good run, but being the only web-site on the net not to have a picture of Paris Hilton on it was starting to bring us down.....

Always the accomodating host....

sizzlepee1
Originally uploaded by RATIO.

Even the tiniest sleepover guest can comfortably break the seal at the Neverland Ranch...

Fashion Police Most Wanted

While wondering the streets of Prague one windsome summers eve I could not help but notice that the local types were apparently not very well versed in the finer points of fashion. We here at the Daily Scoffer believe in pointing out other peoples flaws for our own enjoyment so here are some of the most grievous errors:

1. The leather baseball cap (extra armor all)
2. Collar-less button down w/ capri sleeves
3. Pleaded jeans, stonewashed and tightrolled. (if worn with by
A.C. Slater these are ok)
4. Stirrup Pants
5. Braided belts
6. Hearts on sleeve
7. Bolo tie (other than at ranch employee appreciation dinner)
8. Female Body Inspector T-shirt
9. Checker Board Slip on sneakers
10.Penny loafers with penny
11.Fanny Pack, unless you have a sweet fanny then anything goes
12.Baja jacket

Former Klan Member Lectures Bush on Affinities with Hitler

Byrd
Originally uploaded by wikiwiki.

Look not on the fact that when I was a young man
I was a card-carrying member of the Ku Klan Klan
For it only distracts from the issue at hand:
That George W. Bush is a Nazi.

By 'Nazi' I mean fascist, bigoted hypocrite
Which is not what I was when I was in the thick of it
Back in the old West Virginia Klan syndicate;
Thank goodness my record is clean.

I'm a fly in the chamber from a backwater province
But I stand up to all of those bigger state sovereigns
With a long filibuster that clogs up the governance
Of this country, crawling with racists.

Yes, Georgie is Hitler, and Cheney is Goering
Don't you admire my cunning and daring
In saying such things while my cronies are chairing
The only body in the world that would listen to me?

Overheard at Oscar Afterparties

While the Scoffer staff got the usual snuberoo from this years hot Oscar after parties, we do know a guy who has a cousin who is stalking Katherine Manhiem, and here is some stuff he overheard from Elton Johns dumbwaiter...

Chris Rock "Rectum? I damn near killed em!"

Paris Hilton "Wasn't it hot how I got everyone's phone numbers on the internet?"

David Scwhimmer "Where are the Bartlett and James?"

Pauly Shore "Excuse me ma'am, would you care for some more wine?" (get it? he was working at the party because he is not a very successful actor. Snap!)

Damon Wayans "Yeah thats right, taught Foxx everything he knows..."

Peebo Brison "Did you guys check out that Aladdin sound track? Pretty tight right?"

Jude Law "Did Lowell from Wings really win an Oscar? What the hell is going on?"

Ice-Cube "Where are the sugar sandwhiches?"

Ashley Olsen "Which way to the purging station?"

Ashlee Simpson "Do I suck or what?!"