Friday, March 18, 2005

Congress Focuses On The Really Important Stuff

After seemingly endless sessions of wasting time on inconsequential matters (budget, yawn) congress finally got down to business yesterday by tackling the issue most important to rank and file Americans: millionaires doing drugs. The panel of our elected officials that are spearheading the investigation brought together baseballs most beloved hero's to try and prove to America that it is the players, not the balls that are juiced. Most of the proceeding went off without much in the way of fireworks, with the exception of having to stop the proceeding for one player who could not speak English. Once someone translated for Jose Canseco the questioning turned to Sammy Sosa who denies ever using the drug. The only player who did not deny using steroids (with the exception of Canseco, who was eating an anoboli-burger) was Mark McGuire. When asked about steroid use McGuire would only say "I am not here to talk about the past, I am only here to remind you all that my wife is hotter than any of yours."

Next up on the Congressional docket is an investigation into the tomato, fruit or vegetable? Senator Barbara Boxer explains, "We don't really know what the hell to do about Iraq, social security, Medicare or AIDS so we are going to stick to stuff where we get to be on t.v. and meet sports stars."

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