Mr. Bub? Mr. Beelze Bub? Are you here tonight?

Oh, there you are, sir... Yes, our deal still stands. Check back in six years, will you, dear?

Hey, Barbara, watch what happens when I yank on "Tony's cajones" in the middle of his speech...

Guess What Mahmoud's Thinking

Here's a contest for our regular Scoffers (sorry, 'twas only vanity that led me to pluralize 'Scoffer'): try to guess what Mahmoud's thinking! Let's take a look at some possibilities--then, write your own ideas in the 'Comments' section...

~ "Look at this, a crowd for haranguing, and me without my rifle..."

~ "Guess where my other hand is!"

~ "Of all the lousy times for my underwear to start riding up on me."

~ "Do I flash the fascist salute now, or after I blame the Jews for everything?"

~ "Put 'er there, Saddam---SIKE!"

~ "Everybody do the robot."

~ "I'm missing The Scoffer for this?!?"

bin Laden Sends Wrong Tape

In an embarrassing slip-up, Osama bin Laden, who for the past several years has been taunting Western governments' failure to locate him by sending taped messages to Arabic-language networks, last week released a video tape to al Jazeera that, while labeled 'Death to Israel, Death to America, Redux', actually contained all the episodes of 'Designing Women' from the 1989-90 season.

Apparently bin Laden quickly realized his mistake, for, just two days after giving the world a glimpse into the hilarious hijinks of a group of Atlanta ladies running a design firm, bin Laden sent another tape to al Jazeera, this time promising, "death to Israel, and death to America--except for that Annie Potts. Her spunky witticisms really make my tent feel less lonely on long Afghani evenings."

WENT SPURS WENT

Ellen Degeneres Calls for More Dykes in New Orleans; Ronaldinho Says Sandbagging is the Answer

In a spirited debate, held in the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans, a star-studded panel of 'experts' discussed ways in which to protect the Mississippi port city from further storm destruction in the future.

New Orleans native Ellen Degeneres, a long-time supporter of dykes, did not surprise many participants in the conference when she suggested that the best way to solve New Orleans' perennial flooding problems would be to bring in 'lots of dykes'. Degeneres elaborated on her suggestion, saying that New Orleans should import 'big dykes, burly dykes, slender and voluptuous dykes, rotund dykes, raspy-voiced dykes, and bushy-browed dykes, just to name a few'. Nearly everyone from the LPGA contingent enthusiastically supported Degeneres' plan.

On the other side of the debate was Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho, who said that it would be much easier to stand around and wait until a storm came, and then sandbag until the storm was defeated. He acknowledged that it wasn't as manly as dykes, but, he added, 'after the storm we can all dance around on our tippy-toes and flick our permed locks about. It will be just like ballet--only gayer.'

The final decision, however, will rest with Mayor Ray Nagin, and it is as yet unclear as to which side of the debate he will come down on. Many political reporters in the city, however, wrote in their columns yesterday that multiple leaks from the Mayor's office have corroborated rumors that Nagin will simply do nothing. That way, when the big storms come, all the blacks can blame all the whites for the damage, and, while the blacks are living in free hotel rooms and perfecting their criminal skills in other cities across the country, all the whites will be tasked with making New Orleans safe for crime again.

A dejected Degeneres, upon hearing of the mayor's plan, said, 'well, I still think dykes would be a good idea.'

Malaysia, Liberia, Seriously--Get Your Own Flags

President Bush Meets Tony Blair to Express "Deep Regret" for having Appointed Bobcat Goldthwaite as Ambassador to the United Kingdom

Thank You Canada For Keeping Your Cititzens Within Your Borders; Thank You Mexico For Tequilla, Tuberculosis and Taco Bell

Bush Accidentally Sends National Guard Troops To Wrong Border

All 7 illegal Canadien immigrants currently living in the United States are totally pissed off. Here at TDS, we only have one question to ask. "What's this all aboot?"

The Power of Lurv

Celine Dion, now a fixture in Las Vegas after signing a multi-million dollar deal in 2003 to perform at the MGM Grand five nights a week, has been altering some of the lyrics of her songs "the better to reflect her dirty Canadian affiliation", Dion's publicist admitted yesterday.

But this isn't news to us. In late 2003, mere days after Dion signed her contract, TDS planted a double-agent deep under cover in the Dion camp. Since that time, the agent, who we'll call 'Lou Brewster', has been feeding us a line. A whole lotta lines, in fact.

Below is just one example of the way Celine Dion has been altering her lyrics in order to subvert the highbrow crowd in Las Vegas who can stomach a Canuck AND a five-dollar lobster dinner all in the same evening:

I'M YOUR LADY

...Cause I'm your lady,
And you are my man.
Whenever you reach for me,
I'll be Canadienne...

I'm waiting for something
(like Quebecois Independence)--
And although I was born
In North America,
I still think I'm French...

'Pre-Cambrian Park' Fails to Meet Expected Visitor Numbers

In a bitter blow to investors and a previously enthusiastic board of directors, 'Pre-Cambrian Park', a Florida-based theme park featuring flora and fauna brought back from pre-Cambrian fossilized DNA, has failed to draw even one-tenth the number of visitors its founders hoped for in their first year.

Aiming to capitalize on the success of the series of blockbuster 'Jurassic Park' books and films, and also on recent advances in cell engineering technology that make Jurassic Park's former fiction a possibility today, Mark Ryder and Pete MacElwain, Pre-Cambrian Park's founding duo, opened their sprawling three-thousand acre site in August of last year.

"We had such high hopes," MacElwain confided to The Daily Scoffer. "But, for some reason, folks just don't seem that interested. We need to go back to the drawing board."

Critics of the park, however, say that the reasons for the team's failure are easy to understand. Rachel Bloom, spokeswoman for 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Scrubgrass', explained, "Basically, Ryder and MacElwain have just planted a lot of ferns and palm trees in the middle of Florida. They also have some horseshoe crabs in a small pond near the parking lot. Sure, all of these species are technically genetic relics from the Pre-Cambrian era, but the founders seem to have failed to realize that those species are abundantly common today, too. Maybe if they'd resurrected some giant ground sloths or gargantuan leviathans of the deep they'd have had a bigger draw, but..."

Ryder and MacElwain, while dismissing Bloom's criticisms as "mammothwash", do concede that their pricing strategy may have to be re-evaluated.

"It's come to our attention," Ryder said, with more than a touch of sarcasm, "that $89.95 for one day's worth of unlimited fern- and horseshoe crab-viewing may be more than we can expect of the average Pleistocene-headed consumer."

I'm a Little Bit Phoenician, She's a Little Bit Parthian

That's right, folks, it's the classic tale of boy meets girl, but with a twist--I'm a little bit Phoenician, but she's a little bit Parthian.

We never seem to see eye-to-eye on anything. For example, she wants to conduct equestrian raids on agricultural settlements, but I want to engage in trade using my inborn knowledge of seamanship and ocean routes. And sometimes I feel like tallying my transported wares with an early form of writing, while she illiterately yearns for plunder amid the thunder of hooves and the thrill of riding bareback across central Asian steppes.

But there's one thing we CAN agree on, and that's that we're both CRAZY for each other. I may be a little bit Phoenician, and she might be a little bit Parthian, but we're 100% in love, and that's all that matters.

The Rise of the Mormon Church

As a loyal reader of the Scoffer you have no doubt come to rely on our ability to out-scoop the national 'news' outlets and always come through with the insights no one else can get. As such, we understand that you are let down that National Geographic got the jump on us on the Book of Judas story. To make up for this we have decided to release a document that has long been stored in the Scoffer Archives, the true and complete transcipt of the conversation that led to the founding of the Mormon church.

This account was taken at the Horse and Buggy Pub in Manhattan in 1827. A student in a correspondence course to become a court reporter was studying for his final when he decided to practice by recording the next random conversation he could hear. What happened next is religious history....

Joseph Smith: Please excuse my being so forward ma'am, but may I buy you a fish sandwich?

Hot Bar Fly 1: I cannot excuse your forwardness or your lack of a text sent to you by angels. I have already dined on mutton with a proper Catholic and therefore have no time or appetite to dine with the likes of you...

Joseph Smith: A thousand pardons Madam...go to hell (underbreath)

HBF 1: Excuse me young rouge? What was that last part?

Joseph Smith: Uh, um....I said I fear I am going to hell.

HBF 1: We are all in danger of the lake of fire, talk to a priest.

Joseph Smith: Actually a priest won't do. I will only be saved from hell if I lay with you Biblically.

HBF 1: Why would I defile my flower to save you from hell when I will then be condemned to hell for my infidelity?

Joseph Smith: Good Point. What if I told you that an angel told me that the only way I could get to Heaven was if I slept with two women, and the only way those women could get to Heaven was if they pleased me.

HBF 1:HOLY HELL! I don't want to be condemned to hell, and if letting you grope my luscious lady lumps gets me to Heaven then color me down! How many ladies did you say you need to scrog? I have some friends...

Joseph Smith: 3?

HBF 1: Hey Hot Bar Fly 2 and Designated Fat Chick, come hither and meet thy saviour...

Joseph Smith: Barkeep, 3 Rufi-Coladas for my new harem! And put it on the Utah taxpayers tab! (Zing!)

Iranian President Writes Washington

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad did something over the weekend that has not been done for over 27 years. He wrote a letter to Washington. The letter is being sent to President Bush via the Swiss Embassy (way to stick with the whole neutrality thing Switzerland). Although the letter has yet to reach the Oval Office, we here at The Daily Scoffer have obtained an exclusive copy of it's contents.

Greetings Busch-
How are you today? Allah finds this ole bastard well. The wives send their best. Tehran is very pretty this time of the year, right before the sand turns to glass in the melting summer's heat. You should visit soon. Don't come next week though, Russia and China are coming over to discuss their cowardice. We may or may not have enough time to insult the French. I think you should not invade us. We do not really have any nuclear capabilities yet. We have only bought The Simpsons DVD Box Set and are still trying to figure this whole nuclear thing out with the help of Homer and Mr. Burns. If you do invade us, I will be forced to bomb Israel. By the way, I love your beer. Please send many cases. I have my money on the Spurs to win it all. Hellofa Derby on Saturday. I will be making a trip to Mexico as soon as they pass that new drug law. Long live Allah. Baaaalllllahahahahblaaaaaaahaahhhhhlllll.
Your Friend,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
PS. Please send bombs just in case we need to bomb Israel.

Chuck Norris' Breakup Tape

In yet another stunning coup for The Daily Scoffer, we have recently obtained a copy of the cassette tape full of sad songs that Chuck Norris made for his ex-girlfriend, who recently ended their two-year high-profile relationship due to 'irreconcilable beard differences'.

As always, TDS wastes no time in sharing with its reader the contents of the intercepted material. The tape's contents, in full:

Side A ("Achy Side")

Track 1: There Is Always Something There To Remind Me (Of The Time I Roundhoused You)
Track 2: I'm In the Mood for Larynx Punches
Track 3: Uppercut of Love
Track 4: More than Words (or, Let Me Tell You in Short, Abdominal Jabs How Much I Love You)
Track 5: My Girl Wants to File Restraining Orders All The Time

Side B ("Breaky Side")
Track 6: Kung Fu Ever Love Me Again?
Track 7: I'm A Fool for your Hapkido
Track 8: There's a Tear in My Beard (Cause I Just Sucker-punched Some Henchmen)
Track 9: The First Cut is the Deepest--But I Can Make the Other Ones Hurt Like the Dickens, Too
Track 10: I Can Show You the World (But Then I'll Have to Kill You)

This, reader, has been yet another TDS exclusive. The remarkable failure of the general public to read/care about The Daily Scoffer is but further confirmation of the success of our mission (although this TDS reporter has no idea how the two facts might be related).

At any rate, long live TDS!

Betty Crocker Vows: "We'll Never Stop Enriching Our Yellowcake (With Wholesome Goodness)"

Dry Tortugan? Start Packin'.

In response to the increased level of anger surrounding illegal immigrants and their leftist, law-breakin' ways (but why do I repeat myself?), the Immigration and Naturalization Service has recently released a list of countries and regions whose citizens, whether they be in the United States legally or no, will be forced to leave our shores post haste.

As usual (and not surprisingly, considering our fantastic connections on all levels of government), The Daily Scoffer has obtained an advance copy of the list in its entirety, which we reprint below:

1. Dry Tortugas
2. Wet Tortugas
3. New Jersey
4. Equitorial Guinea
5. New Guinea
6. Heck, anybody from anywhere called "Guinea"
7. Brooklyn
8. Los Angeles
9. Las Vegas
10. Anywhere south of the Rio Grande, and west of the dividing line of the Treaty of Tordesillas
11. Yap

(Sorry, the last one was inserted at the behest of the Royal and August Government of Lesotho, the True and Legitimate Sovereign and Suzerain of Yap--plus, some Lesothoan nationalists gave me twenty bucks--and Scoffin' ain't free, you know...)

Juan, Oh, Juan Will Eemeegrints Geet Eet?

On Monday, May 1st, a day dear to every Communist and Democrat (but, why do I repeat myself?) for being International Worker's Day, illegal immigrants across the United States broke the law and skipped work in order to prove how law-abiding and trustworthy they are.

The Daily Scoffer managed to buttonhole one of the illegal immigrants participating in an illegal work-stoppage and march in order to ask him a few questions about why he thought he, who was born in Mexico, somehow had the right to sneak into the U.S. and sponge off of its health care and social welfare systems.

The Daily Scoffer: "Why are you such a moocher, senor?"

Pepe 'Maclovio' Perez: "I am brown. As you know, brown people are entitled to all of the fruits of white and black people's labor. Also, I am an illegal immigrant. Your gringo laws do not apply to me."

TDS: "You make a subtle point, senor moocher. But surely you can understand that certain white and black people will be angry that you have taken advantage of their goodwill by stealthily and treacherously entering the country, working without paying taxes, and skimming off the national health and social welfare systems."

PMP: "Juan, oh, Juan will you gringos realize, man, that the U.S. belongs to us? Tortilla the truth, I actually enjoy flautaing the laws of this country. Enchilada fun!"

TDS: "Thanks, Pepe, I know that will make all white and black folks feel much better when they see their taxes raised to support you and your illegitimate brood, suckling at the breast of the welfare nanny state."

PMP: "Well, you know, whatever I can do to help (as long as it doesn't involve obeying any gringo laws or anything like that)."

And that, reader, is the story from the front lines of the eeleegal eemeegrint deebate.