Ellen Degeneres Calls for More Dykes in New Orleans; Ronaldinho Says Sandbagging is the Answer

In a spirited debate, held in the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans, a star-studded panel of 'experts' discussed ways in which to protect the Mississippi port city from further storm destruction in the future.

New Orleans native Ellen Degeneres, a long-time supporter of dykes, did not surprise many participants in the conference when she suggested that the best way to solve New Orleans' perennial flooding problems would be to bring in 'lots of dykes'. Degeneres elaborated on her suggestion, saying that New Orleans should import 'big dykes, burly dykes, slender and voluptuous dykes, rotund dykes, raspy-voiced dykes, and bushy-browed dykes, just to name a few'. Nearly everyone from the LPGA contingent enthusiastically supported Degeneres' plan.

On the other side of the debate was Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho, who said that it would be much easier to stand around and wait until a storm came, and then sandbag until the storm was defeated. He acknowledged that it wasn't as manly as dykes, but, he added, 'after the storm we can all dance around on our tippy-toes and flick our permed locks about. It will be just like ballet--only gayer.'

The final decision, however, will rest with Mayor Ray Nagin, and it is as yet unclear as to which side of the debate he will come down on. Many political reporters in the city, however, wrote in their columns yesterday that multiple leaks from the Mayor's office have corroborated rumors that Nagin will simply do nothing. That way, when the big storms come, all the blacks can blame all the whites for the damage, and, while the blacks are living in free hotel rooms and perfecting their criminal skills in other cities across the country, all the whites will be tasked with making New Orleans safe for crime again.

A dejected Degeneres, upon hearing of the mayor's plan, said, 'well, I still think dykes would be a good idea.'