Whose Momma You Talkin' 'Bout?

The Daily Scoffer has been proud to play host to the stimulating high-brow debate over whose momma be mo' nasty. Below are some more points to consider:

* Yo momma so po', I went to her house and stepped on a cigarette butt, and she said, 'Who put out the heat?'

* Yo momma so po', I saw her kickin' a can down the street, and when I asked her what she was doin', she said, 'Movin'.'

* Yo momma so bi-partisan, she be participatin' in all sorts' o' committees and junk like that! (DOOOOOHHHHHH!)

So, let my debating partner continue with the discussion... If he can find it within himself to step over the gauntlet I've thrown down before him!

Man Impresses Girlfriend With Langostino Lobster Bites Dinner

In a stunning show of the shallowness of his love and his lack of culinary acumen, local Casanova Fred Sanders wooed his lady friend of four months to the most exotic dinner of her life, Langostino Lobster bites from Long John Silvers. Even after she was informed by TDS consumer affairs correspondent that Langostino really means fresh water prawns not even worthy of being called bastard shrimp, Miranda Dennis still gushed that it was the best dinner she has had since her parents took her to Olive Garden for her vocational school graduation and vowed to let Fred round third base later that night.

When questioned by TDS about how Long John Silvers execs could sleep at night knowing that they are pawning off pressed shrimp tails and juvenile Mississippi Delta prawns off on the American public, Long John Silvers spokesperson Carpy McWhitefish replied that since they charge more for it they seem more 'lobsteresque'.

completely convinced by this line of reasoning TDS promtly ordered a gross of 'lobster' bites for the company Yam Kipur party.

Tips for Stickin' It to the Persians

'How can we stop the wily Persians?'

This question has been on the minds and on the lips of many a bathing Westerner since the Iranians decided to parade delicately rouged and coiffed palace boys before the world in order to announce the production of about six milligrams of yellowcake, apparently the pinnacle of Persian scientific achievement.

Well, look no further, reader, for The Daily Scoffer has compiled a comprehensive list of actions that can be taken towards stickin' it to the pseudo-Arabs:

* Slap sanctions on all hookahs going into and coming out of Iran.

* Slap Iranians, wherever we might meet them.

* Impose a 250% tariff on all belly-dancing related paraphernalia.

* Have all U.S. and European government officials begin and end every speech with, "Akkadians RULE, Cyrus and Darius BITE".

* Demonstrate before the United Nations Security Council Iran's complicity in the production of 'Ishtar', widely hailed as the worst movie ever made (and that includes the Sylvester Stallone masterpiece 'Judge Dredd').

* Leak to the Western press that the Iranian president and the Ayatollah were actually founding members of Four Non Blondes.

* Spray Iran with soap and water, against which Muslims have no natural immunity.

* Suddenly announce that yellowcake is SO 2005, and that johhnycake is the new wave of the future.

* Change title of Nietzsche's classic tome to 'Thus Spake Ed Asner'.

* Recruit hundreds of Iranian college students to the newly-formed Southern Hawai'i Institute of Technology, then send them all sweatshirts emblazoned with the school's initials.

* Rearrange Iran's letters on all official U.N. documents. The new name? 'Nair'.

* Secretly plot to have American woman marry Jordanian king, thus bringing one of Iran's regional rivals under our hegemony. Oh, wait... we already did that.

* Spread vicious rumor that the Iranian president has only sixteen wives.

* Allow women to drive, allow everyone to practice their religion freely, and stop blaming the Jews for every problem we've ever had. Oh, wait... we already did that.

* Kindly point out to our Iranian counterparts that 'Ayatollah' rhymes with 'Hi! I'm a loo-loo Muslim-ollah.'

And that, reader, is how you get things done in the delicate world of international diplomacy. Don't ever forget, reader, that you read it here first!

Et tu Madre, Brute...

How about these:

* Yo momma so ambidextrous, she be givin' southpaw sidearmers a run fo' dey money!

* Yo momma so Venezuelan, she ain't even be Brazilian!

* Yo momma so pusilanimous, she never no munificent fool!

* Yo momma so Libertarian, she be dissin' dem Whigs like dey was no to-maw-ROH!

* Yo momma so scurvied, she be SWIMMIN' in OJ and it STILL don't be curin' her! (Doooohhhhhhh!)

* Yo momma so clueless, she ain't even be readin' The Daily Scoffer!

Peace Out!

Tu Madre!

Inspired by the hot new reality show on MTV, "Yo Mamma", The Daily Scoffer would like to donate our own stinging quips in hopes that someone, somewhere, will invite us to be on the show.

1. Yo mamma so stupid she failed a pregnancy test!
2. Yo mamma so nasty she uses Lysol for deodorant!
3. Yo mamma so ugly blind goes don't even hit on her!
4. Yo mamma so fat she eats cookbooks!
5. Yo mamma so fat she was swimming in the ocean and Christopher Columbus stuck a flag in her and claimed her for Spain!
6. Yo mamma so fat she went to Weight Watchers and said "Give me the 5 year plan!"
7. Yo mamma so fat she dated Cap-N-Crunch just for the discount!
8. Yo mamma so fat her appetite has high cholesterol!
9. Yo mamma so fat she got pulled over by the cops and had a B.G.C (Blood Gravy Content) of .35!
10. Yo mamma so fat Ryans has a restraining order against her!

This is just a tip of the iceberg Wilmer. Bring it on!

'The Hittite Connection' Still Least-Popular Store in Northgate Mall

What's on bin Laden's i-Pod?

CIA operatives recently pulled off a daring midnight raid (remarkably similar to the one last month in which the Iranian president's diary was spirited away, netting an exclusive story for the fabulously well-connected Scoffer staff) and, although they missed nabbing their target, Osama bin Laden, by mere seconds, they did manage to carry off a lode of his personal effects. Among those was bin Laden's i-Pod, selected contents of which this TDS reporter transcribes below:

* "You're Momma Don't Jihad, and You're Daddy Never Completed the Hajj"

* "Don't Tell My Heart, My AK-Breaky Heart"

* "Chicken Soup for the Holocaust Denier's Soul" (audio book--as read by Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinijad)

* "Take My Tenth Wife--Please!" (stand-up routine, recorded at the Islamabad Comedy Club, August, 2005)

* "Throw Your Turbans in the Air (Like Ya Just Don't Care)"

* "If the Tent is a'Rockin, then Don't Bother Knockin'"

* "Holy War for Dummies" (audio book)

* "Ullulate Your Way to a Slimmer You in Just Three Weeks!" (audio book, as read by Tony Robbins)

* "Polygamist's Blues"

* "Oops! I Jihaded Again..."

* "Hard Candy Hanukkah"

* "The Idiot's Guide to Pakistani Tribal Etiquette and Kandaharan Nightlife"

* "Drop It Like It's a Pipe Bomb"

* "Great Speeches of Hitler"

* "Great Speeches of Hillary Clinton"

* "SK8R Boi"

* "Phil Collins, Jon Secada, and Wayne Toups--The Other Three Tenors"

* "I Jihaded My Way"

* "You Can Call Me Al (Qaeda)"

* "All My Exes Live in Peshwar"

This, gentleman (i.e., our reader), has been yet another TDS exclusive...

Reflections for a Speech to be Given Before a Military Cemetery

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Every single person laid out in the ground here made the decision that my life was more important than theirs was. What are we to do with such ludicrous bravery? What can a putatively modern world do but stick such heroics in the earth and carry on, largely as though neither the bravery nor the brave themselves ever really existed?

We will put these fresh fearless into the dirt and we will cover them over and go home. But when the trumpet sounds some other time, let us never hold our minds back from recalling that the best of every generation go first into the grave--and this generation is no exception. There are no exceptions. Every free man's life is lived in taut tandem with another who died for him, who died so anonymously and so dutifully that we have even been granted the gift of living our days without thinking much about the price paid for them.

I shall not shake off, though I live a hundredyear, the mark that is on me. I am a lesser man, doubly so, because a greater man died for me, and because I didn't die for another in return.

Look out on this mowed pitch and take in, if you will, each white stone as the shape and thrall of a living person, clumsy and flawed and called out of their skin into glory. We must honor them, although our honor means nothing, and we must remember them always, even though our memory will always bring us shame.

What a long view they took--and what a shadow they cast, those who went first into a brand new day.

In Pace Requisicat

Why Did They Reject My Dowry?

Below are some of the most commonly-cited reasons that dowries were returned in third-world countries:

* "No heifer, no daughter. Period."

* "You call THAT a curd cake, Mohammed?"

* "Let's see, one dinar, two dinars, three dinars--no sir."

* "What, you think you're the only farmer in town with surplus rutabagas to throw around?"

* "The deal was, three shoulder-fired SAMs for the girl. And you reneged on the deal. Now I'm afraid I'll have to introduce you to my friend, Mr. Car-Battery-and-Alligator-Clips..."

* "In what universe would a fake Sudanese passport and a couple of rounds for an AK-47 get you anythng more than an autographed picture of my daughter, Mahmoud?"

* "You slip me the billy goat, I'll slip you the daughter."

* "A yam, an adze, and the Time-Life coffee table book 'Profiles in Pocket Lint'? Obviously, Abu, you did not come prepared to deal..."

Hu Jintao's Encounter With Novelty Called "Truth"

Commie president of one billion, three-hundred million satisfied, disenfranchised proletariat Hu Jintao visited Washington, D.C., last week, where he soiled our nation's capital with his Stalin-looplicking presence.

During a ceremony at the White House, Hu was visibly stunned and shaken when a protester yelled something known as 'the truth' at Hu as he slunk Cominternly across the White House lawn.

Adding to Hu's ire was the fact that the speaker of the truth was a practitioner of the very same religion, Falun Gong, whose adherents Hu spent his holidays (Stalin's Loop Day, Lenin's Arse-Polishing Day, Mao's Rump-Smooching Day, Hillary Clinton Day) gleefully persecuting.

In a rare break with diplomatic protocol, Hu called the truth 'a filthy running dog of capitalism, a capitalist roader, an imperialist devil, a revisionist rightist, an anti-revolutionary, an enemy of the Party, a foreign devil, a White Russian, a Brownshirt, a Greenshirt, and a dweeb'.

The truth, however, said it preferred quietly to speak for itself, as has always been its wont.

Hu, who, like every other Chinese person, has not heard the truth since 1949, when the last of the Guomindang army commanded by Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek fled to Taiwan, left the Land of the Free in quite a huff. And he vowed never to return.

But nobody believed him.

Josh Bolten Names McClellan Replacement

A mixture of controversy and musical chairs has surrounded the White House over the past several days as former Chief of Staff Andrew "I Will not Trade You For That" Card was replaced by Josh "Sooner Or Later I'm Gonna Be" Bolten. Since Bolten took his post on April 14th, several key White House positions have been changed. Opponents and Television Pundits alike have been calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld since before he had his 7th birthday, but the resignation of White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan came as a surprise. Many in the media looked favorably upon Mr. McClellan. CNN's Chief White House Correspondent Suzanne Malveaux said Mr. McClellan "Made the best sweet tea this side of the Mississip!" Fox News Anchor Brit "Gloom and Doom" Hume went on record saying that McClellan "Polished his Leather Chaps everyday like every good American should." Hume then added that any American who did not own a pair of Leather Chaps was a terrorist and should be flogged with a Rick James album.
Bolten named Mr. T to be McClellan's replacement late Wednesday night. Bolten refused to answer any questions, leaving the media to direct any questions towards the new Press Secretary.
I pity da...oh, nevermind. My favorite was the guy with the cigar anyway.

Make Mine Light, Sweet and Crude

...with just a touch of North Brent, and a soupcon of Hormuz. Open three to five minutes prior to consuming to allow the full bouquet to develop. Ensure that the label says 'Citgo', so you can be sure that your purchasing dollars have gone to the looniest lefty in the Western Hemisphere, Herr Chavez.

And remember, your light, sweet, crude North Brent from the Hormuz distributor is delicately leveraged throughout with shifting machinations and insinuations of global power politics. Don't overcrowd your palate with anything else that might compete with your Hormuzian North Brent.

It's perfect just the way it is. It's perfect just the way it is. It's perfect just the way it is... You are getting sleepy. Oil will last forever. Why bother that your pump money is going to Hugo, or Ahmedanijad? You are getting sleepy...

It's perfect just the way it is.

Hamas Gets Creative

After decades of blowing up Israeli children, Hamas decided on Saturday to start blowing up Israeli children, a startling change of tactic.

Hamas spokesman Mahmoud MahBeardIsA'Itchin' said at a press conference at the Hamas Better Bombing Bureau headquarters in Gaza that "we Palestinians must always be trying new things. Whereas last year we were blowing up Jews, this year we undertook a radical departure and began blowing up Jews. Also, we have a new slogan, viz., 'Death to Israel, Death to America'. Pretty catchy, huh? Bet ya never heard THAT one before, he he he--ALLLLLLLLLALALALALALALALALAHHHHHHHH! The End."

Tehranian Yellowcake Is Good, but Bisquick Yellowcake is DIVINE

"Peace Be With You" Fake Out Not Appreciated In Easter Mass

Who are the lucky volunteers who got to hold the vial of enriched uranium in the Iranian publicity photo?

Does our reader know if the same stringent safety standards are adhered to in the Iranian labs? If it's the case that all Iranian nuclear workers are attired in loose-fitting flannel shirts and colorful bandanas, then the civilized world might not have to worry about using airstrikes to take out the nuclear team--they'll do all our hard work for us...

Long live the glories of the Islamic Republic! Long live the Muslims who seem never to have taken fifth grade science class!

Barry Bonds Secretly Vows: Six More Months on the Juice and I'll Forego the Bat in Favor of Headbutting Homers out of the Park

Al Gore Invents Crazy Contraption Called 'Pencil', Stuns Scientific Community

Illegal Immigrants Demand Right to Break American Laws Just Like Other Minorities Do

Hundreds of Nepalese Riot When It Suddenly Dawns on them that They Live in Nepal

"Hands Across Gordon's Garage" Fails Spectacularly for Seventh Year in a Row

Newly Released High Court Document Reveals That Johnny Cochran Sued God After Early Demise

97.6 % of 12 Year Old Males Report Inability To Avoid Writing "(Insert Name) Wuz Here" On Public Restroom Wall

Chirac Folds Like a Frenchman!

In a stunning and unprecedented move the French government has capitulated on policy in the face of mild pressure, TDS has learned (after Time, CNN and the AP). On Monday "President" Jacques Chirac announced that he would replace the Youth Jobs Law championed by Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin that would have allowed French employers to fire workers under the age of 26. Prime minister Villepin was contacted for comment but his mouth was to full of crow to respond.

For the youths on the streets of France this is a victory in the face of a government attempting to gainfully employ and advance the car burning hordes. Said on rioting youth, "I am not sure why we are burning this car but I don't have a job so I am free for whatever. I sure wish that the Prime Minister would pass reforms so that I could get a job, buy a newspaper and form an intelligent opinion."

China Finally Gets some Culture

After 5,000 years of wallowing in a cultural vacuum, China finally got a taste of the upper crust of the arts when the Rolling Stones rolled into Shanghai for a one-night-only gig.

China, which for thousands of years has been able to come up with nothing better than a golden age of classical verse, a bevy of pioneering insights into the natural sciences, an encyclopaedic record of inventions and innovations, and the most intricate and nuanced writing system in the history of mankind, breathed a collective sigh of relief as the four enlightened gentlemen from England at long last graced the Middle Kingdom with their august presence.

Lead guitar player for the Rolling Stones Keith Richards, who doesn't look a day over "mummified corpse", summed up the experience nicely when he said, "Well, gippo larg a farg nargon, baby, yeah, rillony klive sprashta onogee cryptomeria... ha ha ha!" (The Chinese with whom this TDS reporter spoke all readily admitted to being bowled over by Mr. Richards' scintillating wit.) Richards, and front man Mick Jagger, delivered their pre-concert statements in a Shanghai hotel ballroom from a table that had been set up in front of a giant poster of a mouth with a tongue sticking out of it.

"This," said Jagger, gesturing towards the sign, "is the kind of high-brow art that the Chinese have been missing." He and his bandmates later proved good on their boasting by delivering stirring renditions of songs such as "Jumpin' Jack Flash", which deftly draws a parallel between a certain Mr. Jumpin' Jack Flash and a gas.

Brilliant.

What are they Protesting?

As the protests in France enter their second week, TDS is pleased to offer its reader an inside glimpse of what, exactly, the righteous and wholly consequential French are in such high dudgeon about...

Jean-Pierre d'Ooohlala, an office manager from Lyons, reveals that "copy toner is just too darn expensive. Obviously, the only way to remedy this is to tinker with the free market. Of course, the end result will be that it will cost eleven billion dollars to buy a French-made truck in which to deliver the copy toner that has been discounted by eight cents, but, by golly, copy toner is just too darn expensive. So, as you can see, I'm taking the long view here."

Marie Antoinette Mais-Avec-la-Tete, a physicist in Paris, said: "Has anybody seen the atomic weight of hafnium? It's patently absurd. Until Chirac does something about it, I for one won't be touching even one mole of hafnium for research purposes (although I might still be persuaded to put on my hafnium drawers and dance the Macarena if I have too much barium cocktail at the office party this weekend, just like last year, sacre bleu)."

Robert Guilliame Et-Son-Chien, a kindergarterner from Cherbourg, told TDS that, "I cannot believe that we must nap for one hour each day. It is inhumane. Even the Iraqis get to nap for longer than that. Maybe the Americans could invade OUR country and give us longer breaks." (Robert's mother then quickly hushed the child up and begged this TDS reporter not to 'invite' the Americans to invade. Sure, lady, I'll be happy not to NOT publish your simpering words!)

Edouard du Je-suis-un-idiot, a grocer in Bordeaux, said that he wouldn't sell any more groces until the truckers who delivered his groces stopped striking. The truckers, by the way, are striking until the grocers start paying more for the delivery of all the groce. Good idea.

And, finally, Elanor Motley-crue-est-tres-bon-ne-c'est-pas, a housewife in Brittany, confided in TDS that she would not provide any nourishment to her husband or her children unless they started showing her "un peut respect, comme disait Aretha Franklin".

And that's the word from the front, folks. This TDS reporter wishes the French all the best in their heroic efforts to screw up a pretty good economy with moron leftwingedness. Just look at all the success Mao, Stalin, Uncle Ho, Fidel, and Che had!

Islam Is a Religion of Peace...

...Hillary Clinton has a soul, John Kerry would have been a great president, Jimmy Carter was a great president, Palestinians who blow up Israeli kids are "martyrs", Katie Couric is not an inflatable doll, Hamas is gonna be fantastic, someone in the French government is finally going to tell the protestors to quit whining and go home, and golf is soooooooo exciting...












April Fool's!