Tips for Stickin' It to the Persians

'How can we stop the wily Persians?'

This question has been on the minds and on the lips of many a bathing Westerner since the Iranians decided to parade delicately rouged and coiffed palace boys before the world in order to announce the production of about six milligrams of yellowcake, apparently the pinnacle of Persian scientific achievement.

Well, look no further, reader, for The Daily Scoffer has compiled a comprehensive list of actions that can be taken towards stickin' it to the pseudo-Arabs:

* Slap sanctions on all hookahs going into and coming out of Iran.

* Slap Iranians, wherever we might meet them.

* Impose a 250% tariff on all belly-dancing related paraphernalia.

* Have all U.S. and European government officials begin and end every speech with, "Akkadians RULE, Cyrus and Darius BITE".

* Demonstrate before the United Nations Security Council Iran's complicity in the production of 'Ishtar', widely hailed as the worst movie ever made (and that includes the Sylvester Stallone masterpiece 'Judge Dredd').

* Leak to the Western press that the Iranian president and the Ayatollah were actually founding members of Four Non Blondes.

* Spray Iran with soap and water, against which Muslims have no natural immunity.

* Suddenly announce that yellowcake is SO 2005, and that johhnycake is the new wave of the future.

* Change title of Nietzsche's classic tome to 'Thus Spake Ed Asner'.

* Recruit hundreds of Iranian college students to the newly-formed Southern Hawai'i Institute of Technology, then send them all sweatshirts emblazoned with the school's initials.

* Rearrange Iran's letters on all official U.N. documents. The new name? 'Nair'.

* Secretly plot to have American woman marry Jordanian king, thus bringing one of Iran's regional rivals under our hegemony. Oh, wait... we already did that.

* Spread vicious rumor that the Iranian president has only sixteen wives.

* Allow women to drive, allow everyone to practice their religion freely, and stop blaming the Jews for every problem we've ever had. Oh, wait... we already did that.

* Kindly point out to our Iranian counterparts that 'Ayatollah' rhymes with 'Hi! I'm a loo-loo Muslim-ollah.'

And that, reader, is how you get things done in the delicate world of international diplomacy. Don't ever forget, reader, that you read it here first!