Thailand Protests Concern Suitland's Government

Continuing protests in Thailand directed against beleaguered Thai president Mungalung Chibittacore are beginning to worry other countries in the region, anonymous TDS sources report.

In Suitland, for example, the prime minister expressed grave concern over the demonstrations, many of which have been marred by violence.

"Suitland is a traditional ally of Thailand," Prime Minister Willibee Willinilli said in an exclusive TDS phone interview. "If the Thai is bad, the Suit doesn't look good, either."

Spokesmen for the governments of Cummerbundland, Cufflinkland, and Slacksland also returned TDS calls, each of them conveying their uneasiness over the Thai situation and vowing to continue to monitor closely events as they develop.

However, members of Shortsandanoldwhitetshirtland's parliament, with whom TDS spoke this morning, said they weren't too "bummed about the whole thing", and furthermore said that "a serious north swell has got us all pretty stoked, so we're gonna knock off early and hit the waves."

Dropping the Mask

This TDS reporter is dropping the mask of satire to issue a serious statement: Islam, you stink.

Abdul Rahman, an Afghani man who decided that he would rather entrust his eternal soul to the Son of God, who died, freely and with perfect humility and love, on a cross for man's sins, than to a lunatic Arab polygamist, child rapist, sodomizer, murderer, thief, and marauder (our boy Mohammed), is now awaiting death for it. So, this TDS reporter wishes to offer an injunction against the "Religion of Peace".

Islam, you stink. Your adherents quite literally stink. You have been a scourge upon mankind for thirteen hundred years. You stole Jerusalem, aped Aristotle, plagiarized the Jews, murdered Christians, oppressed the heroic Greeks, and, when your sickness had spread to the idiot Turks, you cleverly stored ammunition in the Parthenon while the Venetians were trying to dislodge your menace from the Western world. And you did all of this without bathing, in iself truly a remarkable feat.

Let this clarion denouncement ring through all of the free world. Let us finally delineate the conflict truthfully--it is civilization versus Islam, enlightenment versus oriental despotism, Christ's Army versus Satan's Minions. Let there be a new Crusade, and let Islam and its unwashed followers be finally driven back into the desert. This is not a call for ethnic cleansing; it is a call for ideological disinfection.

TDS reporters might be able to don the mask of satire again, perhaps soon. But today our blood is boiling, and our spite brooks no refraction through the lens of sarcasm.

Islam, you stink.

Roger Bacon to Star in "Hamlet" and "Pygmalion" in Turkey

Co-stars to include Charles Lamb, James Hogg, and Lawrence Fishburne. Also featuring Swinburne in a cameo appearance. Produced by Lawrence Eagleburger.

Tickets on sale at the Fleischmann Civic Center, Butcher Street.

Harmonica to Lute: "Lyre!"

Lute replies: "Speak for yourself, you harpie."

India--5,000 Years Old, Still Best in Show

President Bush's recent visit to India underscored a question that has been lingering in the minds of this TDS reporter for many a long night, namely, why in the world haven't we given the boot to Pakistan yet?

Not only would dropping Pakistan from our list of friendly nations allow us to cooperate more broadly with India (the world's largest democracy), it would also afford us latitude to declare war on Pakistan, thus allowing us to invade and hunt for Osama bin Laden wherever and whenever we choose.

This reporter is bellowing a mighty "Huzzah!" for India--5,000 years old, and still best in show.

Bush Threatens to Unleash "Ferocious Swarm of Hurricanes" Against Enemies

Recently unmasked by the liberal U.S. media as wielding absolute power over the weather (which led to intense criticism from Democratic lawmakers when he failed to stop last year's devastating storms that battered the American Gulf Coast), President Bush today declared that he stood prepared to unleash a "ferocious swarm of hurricanes" against America's enemies whenever the need may arise.

While Bush did not immediately identify potential targets by name, White House spokesman Scott McClellan hinted that Iran and Syria might be first on Mr. Bush's list.

"The President is prepared to let loose a withering onslaught of wind, water, and lightning against the enemies of freedom, wherever they may try to hide," McClellan said at a press conference earlier today.

When it was pointed out to McClellan that both Iran and Syria lie inland, McClellan retorted, "Well, I guess we'll just have to blow a lot of stuff apart on the way."

Belorussian President: "New Rule--My One Vote Counts for Fifteen Million of Yours. Check."

Palestinians Petition International Olympic Committee to Include Suicide Bombing Event at Next Summer Games

Gimme Cracked Corn--Surprising Number of People Don't Care

Let's Attack Anti-War Protestors

Thousands of unarmed, unbathed, and unemployed anti-war protestors took to the streets around the world this past weekend to protest the U.S. liberation of a filthy Muslim basket-case of a country that didn't deserve any of the help we gave it. Now that we've deloused the place (and its erstwhile leader), perhaps we should do one of two things:

1. Bring a handful of troops back from the Middle East and ask them to do us the favor of de-Cindy Sheehan-ing our fair country. I'd bet most soldiers would do so with glee.

2. Send the anti-war protestors to a country similar in hellhole-ishness to Iraq pre-March, 2003, and set the timer. My guess is that within fifteen minutes, they'd be on the horn to the Pentagon, begging the evil Donald Rumsfeld to liberate THEM.

Or, how about this: in the spirit of the baseball season that's just around the corner, let's trade all of our anti-war protestors for all of Iraq's brave freedom fighters--this would not only make the U.S. smell much better, but it would give us the added pleasure of being able to attack Iraq again as soon as the protestors had gotten settled in (being greasy hippies, they should be more than accustomed to living in tents without access to running water, so we wouldn't have to delay our pleasure for more than a couple of minutes).

The Daily Scoffer will gladly continue to cover this developing story--and we ask out dear readers, have you any suggestions for how we might better and more creatively welcome freedom-loving Iraqis while simultaneously disposing of anti-American garbage like Cindy Sheehan?

Bud Selig Announces Debut of 'Automatic Crotch-Adjusting Pants'

Baseball's Players' Union complains that the new device will leave players with nothing to do.

Of Those Who Dance, Most Mongolian Dancers Prefer the Khan-Khan

A Day in the Life of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The following is an excerpt taken from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's daily schedule, which was spirited out of Iran by U.S. Special Forces:

27 Farvardin, 1385 [Gregorian calendar: March 16, 2005]

--Awake; thank Allah for sparing me the horrors of the bathtub.

--Breakfast of 'Infidel Flakes'(I got a special prize: a glow-in-the-dark turban clip).

--Ullulate while beating wives.

--Go to mosque; bend down and put nose dangerously close to the backside of another man who bathes only when it rains on him.

--Go to the office; busy cheating foreigners; call wives and command them to beat themselves until I go home for lunch.

--Home for lunch; have a hookah or two; do 35 reps on the weight bench; beat wives vigorously.

--Lavish attention on son; poke head out back door to see if coyotes have finally carried off daughter.

--Call cousin in New York City, ask him how the Mets are doing.

--Back to the office; chew the fat around the water cooler about fornicators, kiafiry, and whether Ross and Rachel will ever get back together.

--Yelled at by boss. (In unrelated incident, later return home and beat wives vigorously.)

--Quittin' time; it's O'Doul's-thirty.

--Pass by pizza parlor on way home, but don't fantasize about blowing myself up in it--must be losing my touch. (In unrelated incident, later return home and beat wives vigorously.)

--Dinner at "West Bank Burgers"--decide to supersize my 'Death to Israel, Death to America' combo.

--Go home; watch "The Rafsanjani Variety Hour" on the tube--that guy, what a card!

--Time for bed; pray for usual 'infidel blood running in rivers through the streets, suffering of Jews and Christians, miracle cure for male pattern baldness'.

--Briefly consider bath... Nah.

--Sleep like a log after a long day's jihadin'; (dream of beating wives vigorously).

An "Old Leatherneck" Writes in to The Daily Scoffer:

Dear Daily Scoffer,

I read your blog with great pleasure, and I thought that I might take advantage of a little downtime to write in and tell you how much I enjoy TDS.

Also, I have a bit of a confession to make... I've been in 'Nam and Grenada, in Fallujah, Panama, and Islamabad, but, for this old leatherneck, Parker Lewis still can't lose. Pass it on.

Keep Scoffin'!

Frank Burnham
USMC

Glenn Frey Admits: "I Never Really had the Smuggler's Blues"

"Ed Scranton of the Opera" Bombs at Box Office

Cuban President Fidel Castro Emphatically Denies Rumor that "All his Rowdy Friends Are Coming over Tonight"

Pirate Edges Out Skyscraper Window Washer As Coolest Profession Ever

North Las Vegas Voted "Best City To Find A Casino Directly North Of Las Vegas"

Sarah Jessica Parker To Pitch "Maritals In The Barrio" To NBC Exec's

Lenny "We Out'a Biscuits" Carter Hits Walk Off Home Run In Bojangel's 11-9 Win Over Popeye's In Annual Night Shift Softball Game

FDA Finds Banana To Be Highest In Potassium Among Fruits Shaped Like Bananas

"Maude" Only Sitcom Not Found On T.V.Land

"Dunstin Checks In" Found Guilty For Ruining Jason Alexander's Career

Congress Approves Chuck E. Cheese/Showbiz Pizza Merger

Ted Kennedy Blames Gin Blossom On Pres. Bush

Larry Insults Randy With Un-Heard Of All-U-Can-Eat 3.99 Chicken Fried Steak Special (White Gravy Extra)

Cuban Missile Crisis Renamed "Damn, That Would Have Sucked"

Erik Estrada Voted Favorite "CHiP" 27 Years Straight

"Now Chad Isn't the only African Country Named after some Jerk You Knew in High School," says Wayne (formerly Equitorial Guinea)

Man Requests More Spam

A Minnesota man, who requested to remain anonymous, delcared in an affidavit presented to the Minnesota Supreme Court last week that he did, indeed, write to several known bulk e-mailers in order to request more spam.

"I, Mark Rivers [sorry, Mark, there goes your anonymity], did knowingly and wilfully request additional bulk e-mails, colloquially known as 'spam', from infamous and egregious ringleaders in the bulk e-mailing field. The reason for this is simple--I am an impotent internet survey taker who, as the result of a strange disease, can consume nothing but printer ink, and who is also addicted to Red Lobster gift certificates that, though vigorously promised, never arrive. I throw myself at the mercy of the Court."

It is reported that Rivers, a pauper, is soon to become very rich as soon as the millions he inherited from a Nigerian gold mine tycoon are delivered into his bank account. Rivers reckons that his soon-to-be millionaire status is the reason why so many comely ladies send him provocatively subject-headed messages all day long.

Carlisle's Chimp, Native to African Plains, Developed Opposable Earlobes, Failed to Evolve Further

Later had bald butts kicked by Cro-Magnon men, who were gripping clubs with their opposable thumbs and whaling on chimps with them.

Man Chillingly Recounts Moment He Considered Purchasing a Pair of K-Swiss Shoes

Steve Rooney, 35, of Portland, Oregon, recounted to The Daily Scoffer this morning, in gruesome detail, the moment last week when he considered purchasing a pair of K-Swiss shoes after seeing them advertised on television.

"When a man reaches a certain point in his life," Rooney said, fighting back tears, "he feels he might be able to get away with certain things. He feels that maybe he can pull off wearing a pair of [shuddering violently] K-Swiss shoes. And that's just what happened to me.

"There I was, watching TV one night last week, when I saw a K-Swiss commercial. Normally my first reaction would have been unbridled scorn, but, hey, maybe I was feeling soft-hearted at the time, maybe I was feeling lonely, but, you know, for a second I thought--just for a second, mind you--that I might look good in those all-white shoes with the five thin fabric stripes running down the sides. I imagined myself on the deck of an expensive ship, I imagined myself sauntering up to a lovely blonde heiress on a Malibu tennis court, I imagined myself going in and out of tony shops on Fifth Avenue on a Saturday afternoon with a sweater draped over my shoulders and tied loosely in the front, all while wearing my K-Swisses. It was horrific, when I came to my senses, to realize how close I'd come to the edge."

At this point Rooney, racked with sobs, broke off the interview and abruptly ran out of the room, leaving behind only the terrifying residue of one man's fleeting desire to own soul-less, thrice-plagiarized, watered-down yuppie rehashings of long-ago-eroded-black-urban-verve-as-expressed-in-footwear, a pair of K-Swiss shoes.

Vast Majority of Tourists in Sudan either 'Lost' or 'Kidnapped', New Survey Finds

Mexico, China Vie to Be 'Country with Most Xs and Qs in Its City Names'

In a joint announcement issued simultaneously in Tlaxcacquigalxilcaca, Mexico, and Xiaoquan, China, Mexican and Chinese officials declared that a 'friendly but compelling' rivalry existed between their two nations as they each vie to become 'Country with Most Xs and Qs in Its City Names'.

Also from the AP wire: Geography teachers in the world's English-speaking countries continue to list Lake Titicaca, situated between Bolivia and Peru, as 'Lake Whose Name Is Most Likely to Arouse Hilarity among Middle- and High-School Students'.

Milosevic Autopsy Fails to Find Heart

The autopsy carried out on former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic after his death on Saturday has failed to find any evidence of a heart, doctors with the Hague reported this morning.

"There was an icy, coal-black cavity where the heart should have been, but no traces of the organ itself could be found," announced Sven Korbelmacher, chief doctor-in-residence for the court.

In related news, former president Bill Clinton yesterday issued a statement pertaining to the passing of Milosevic, which read: "Slobodan Milosevic's arrest and trial should serve as a sobering warning to other heads of state that high crimes and misdemeanors carried out while in office will be punished...to...the...fullest...umm, that is to say, Long Live the Slobe!"

Clinton, who spent hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars ridding the world of the scourge of a Sudanese ballet shoe factory shortly after his relationship with aide Monica Lewinsky was made public, was, unlike Slobodan Milosevic, a moral and upright man.

UN Peacekeepers Clash with Sudanese Warkeepers

Warkeepers win.

Iran Defiantly Vows to Continue Enriching Uranium; Switzerland Defiantly Vows to Continue Enriching Itself

Debbie Gibson Pulled Over in Malibu for Driving While Irrelevant

The Daily Scoffer was going to call her for a statement, but then we thought, "Ahh, what does it matter what SHE says?"

Kenny Loggins IS Sasquatch

Have you ever seen either one wearing Sunday shoes? Or, do you reckon they've both 'kicked them off'?

And if that's not enough to convince you, consider that neither Kenny Loggins nor Sasquatch have had a hit record since 1987...

It's yet another Daily Scoffer scoop.

Scientists Discover New Species of 'Grease Monkey': Lives in Jungles of Borneo, Swings through the Trees from Fan Belts

World Eagerly Awaits Time When Hamas-Dominated Palestinian Parliament Will Vote to Blow Itself Up

'Marbleized' Tops Inspirational Book Cover Charts Yet Again

Read any good inspirational books lately? If so, chances are the book you were holding had a marbleized cover, as 'marbleized', the old industry workhorse, overwhelmingly beat out all other styles to become the most popular inspirational book cover of 2005.

The closest runner-up, 'leopard bloodily devouring wayward hyena', had only three titles to its credit, compared with marbleized's seven hundred and thirty-two, and those were due only to the surprising popularity of Wayne Simmons' breakout series "Why Bad Things Happen to Good Hyenas", which hovered near the bottom of The New York Times' bestseller list for eleven weeks over the summer.

Ninety-nine Funeral Homes out of One Hundred Choose Cursive

Ninety-nine funeral homes out of one hundred choose elaborate, ornate cursive for all signage and lettering, a recent industry survey found. Most funeral home directors believe that a more elegant style conveys a message of dedication and professionalism, which is likely to be a welcome reassurance to the bereaved.

However, in a bucking of the trend personified by Rick LaLooley, owner of Rick's Boxes for Stiffs in Riverside, California, some funeral homes are choosing bold, sans serif fonts, and even neon, for their lettering.

"Yeah, well, you gotta hook folks and reel 'em in", said LaLooley when The Daily Scoffer contacted him for a phone interview. "I mean, even though they're dead, they still wanna have fun, and Rick's gives 'em a death they don't have to mope about. Goin' to the afterlife? Make it a happenin' affair!"

None of the dead people whom The Daily Scoffer attempted to contact were available for comment.

Congress Outdoes Itself

Eager to capitalize on the success of its latest venture into awkward acronyming, the Patriot Act (which stands for "Punting Arab Traitors Right In ye Olde Testicles"), Congress today unveiled a new bill that, if passed in the Senate and signed by the President, would make law the Krzyzewski Act. The Krzyzewski Act is aimed at curbing a dangerous trend in large-fauna stampeding; 'Krzyzewski', in this case, stands for "Killing Red Zooming Yaks Zooming Egregiously While Skewering Kids' Innards".

When asked to comment on the possibility of signing the bill into law, President Bush said, "Heh heh, I'm proud to have pockets, and I'm proud to keep bills in them until they expire. I believe our greatest president, Arville Jackson, coined the word 'pocket veto', and that's just what I intend to do, heh heh."

Congress, in response to the President's comments, immediately began drafting legislation that, if ratified, would be known as the 'Staphylococcus Act', 'Staphylococcus' standing for "Suddenly, Tom And Paul Helped Yolanda Lower Oily Curtains On Calm, Collected, Unsuspecting Senators".

And that's the truth, folks.

Tom "Can I buy Your Ultrasound Machine Please" Cruise Dumps Scientology for P.E.ology

Shortlty after reaching the much sought after OT III level of Scientology, Cruise shocked the world and Scientology buffs alike when he announced he was leaving the religion. "I really began to question my own personal beliefs, and the beliefs that I have brainwashed people into following," Cruise told The Daily Scoffer in an exclusive interview over the weekend, "I guess I finally came to the realization that I was never really good in Science back in middle school, and I just cannot continue to live this lie." He went on to add that "I was excellent in P.E., so I felt joining P.E.ology was a much better fit for me and my minions, uh I mean family." Apparently in order to become a member of the P.E.ology Church, one must pay thousands of dollars for audits, which is a very similar process found in Scientology. But instead of auditing your soul, P.E.ology audits your old smelly gym socks and tests your abilities in the following areas:
1) V Stretch
2) Floor Hockey
3) Getting ready to return back to class without showering
4) Dodgeball
5) Removing painted-on shorts of P.E. Teacher

If you would like any more information concerning P.E.ology, please visit www.woofleballrocks.com.

Kofi Annan Fires Back

Kofi Annan, whose son has long been fighting American and British allegations linking the Annans to the now-infamous 'oil for food' scandal at the United Nations, has finally mounted a counter-attack; in a blistering speech delivered to the UN Press Corps, Annan has accused his detractors' nations of being involved in what Annan describes as a 'shameless labor-for-wage arrangement'.

According to Annan's allegations, Americans and Britons have been trading their own labor for money, and have also been encouraging other nations to participate in the practice, which Annan calls 'disgraceful'. Although Annan's description was vague, apparently certain citizens of capitalist countries 'work', and are then 'paid' for it. "This is a violation of the basic principle of the United Nations, which calls for handouts to all and responsibility taken by none, and a slap in the face of all decent shiftlessness for which this great institution stands," said Annan in one of the more fiery passages from his account.

American and British delegations were unavailable for comment as this issue went to press--it seems that most of them were 'working'.