Man Chillingly Recounts Moment He Considered Purchasing a Pair of K-Swiss Shoes

Steve Rooney, 35, of Portland, Oregon, recounted to The Daily Scoffer this morning, in gruesome detail, the moment last week when he considered purchasing a pair of K-Swiss shoes after seeing them advertised on television.

"When a man reaches a certain point in his life," Rooney said, fighting back tears, "he feels he might be able to get away with certain things. He feels that maybe he can pull off wearing a pair of [shuddering violently] K-Swiss shoes. And that's just what happened to me.

"There I was, watching TV one night last week, when I saw a K-Swiss commercial. Normally my first reaction would have been unbridled scorn, but, hey, maybe I was feeling soft-hearted at the time, maybe I was feeling lonely, but, you know, for a second I thought--just for a second, mind you--that I might look good in those all-white shoes with the five thin fabric stripes running down the sides. I imagined myself on the deck of an expensive ship, I imagined myself sauntering up to a lovely blonde heiress on a Malibu tennis court, I imagined myself going in and out of tony shops on Fifth Avenue on a Saturday afternoon with a sweater draped over my shoulders and tied loosely in the front, all while wearing my K-Swisses. It was horrific, when I came to my senses, to realize how close I'd come to the edge."

At this point Rooney, racked with sobs, broke off the interview and abruptly ran out of the room, leaving behind only the terrifying residue of one man's fleeting desire to own soul-less, thrice-plagiarized, watered-down yuppie rehashings of long-ago-eroded-black-urban-verve-as-expressed-in-footwear, a pair of K-Swiss shoes.