A Day in the Life of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The following is an excerpt taken from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's daily schedule, which was spirited out of Iran by U.S. Special Forces:

27 Farvardin, 1385 [Gregorian calendar: March 16, 2005]

--Awake; thank Allah for sparing me the horrors of the bathtub.

--Breakfast of 'Infidel Flakes'(I got a special prize: a glow-in-the-dark turban clip).

--Ullulate while beating wives.

--Go to mosque; bend down and put nose dangerously close to the backside of another man who bathes only when it rains on him.

--Go to the office; busy cheating foreigners; call wives and command them to beat themselves until I go home for lunch.

--Home for lunch; have a hookah or two; do 35 reps on the weight bench; beat wives vigorously.

--Lavish attention on son; poke head out back door to see if coyotes have finally carried off daughter.

--Call cousin in New York City, ask him how the Mets are doing.

--Back to the office; chew the fat around the water cooler about fornicators, kiafiry, and whether Ross and Rachel will ever get back together.

--Yelled at by boss. (In unrelated incident, later return home and beat wives vigorously.)

--Quittin' time; it's O'Doul's-thirty.

--Pass by pizza parlor on way home, but don't fantasize about blowing myself up in it--must be losing my touch. (In unrelated incident, later return home and beat wives vigorously.)

--Dinner at "West Bank Burgers"--decide to supersize my 'Death to Israel, Death to America' combo.

--Go home; watch "The Rafsanjani Variety Hour" on the tube--that guy, what a card!

--Time for bed; pray for usual 'infidel blood running in rivers through the streets, suffering of Jews and Christians, miracle cure for male pattern baldness'.

--Briefly consider bath... Nah.

--Sleep like a log after a long day's jihadin'; (dream of beating wives vigorously).