Bush Vows To Find Those Responsible For Tsunami; Names Neptune, Poseidon, Davy Jones New Axis of Evil

At a Wednesday press conference U.S. President G.W. Bush (W) had harsh words for "those proliferating tsunamic terror." He said the recent tsunami had all of the hallmarks of an Al Qaida attack except that it happened to non-westerners, was not suicidal in nature, was not followed by any claims by the terrorist organization and involved tectonic shifting and million upon millions of gallons of water. W went on to conjecture that Al Qaida must have had help pulling off such an attack and named Neptune, Poseidon and Davy Jones as the new oceanic axis of evil. Bush dismissed reporters who pointed out that Neptune and Poseidon are the same entity and that Davy Jones has not left his locker in years by stating that "The collation of the willing and coerced will hunt down any being, whether folk or mythological, who uses their powers for terror and will bring them to justice. This will be done by our own band of superfolk, The Occupiers." After much digging TDS has uncovered that the Occupiers powers include going to war for dubious reasons, holding fraudulent elections, installing sham governments, color coding, double talk and hypersonic underhandedness. When asked why he had waited three days to speak publicly in the wake of the worst natural disaster in memory, Bush replied that he had been looking for his "tsunami boots".

Merry Christmas 2004

We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to send our sincerest Holiday Wishes to everyone of our loyal readers, all four of you. We couldn't do it without you! Due to the recent Iraqi insurgency, the problems the President has encountered with cabinet nominations, record breaking snows in south Texas and seasonal inebriation from spiked Egg Nog we apologize for the lack of articles. Our reporters have been embedded, on location, behind the scenes and hot on the trail preparing to bring the hottest, most up-to-date stories for 2005. So please stay tuned for some great scoffing in the next year. May all of your holiday wishes come true and don't forget the Reason for the Season!

Members Only Opens Doors

We have all been there before, chillin' out at the club, trying to spit some pimp juice at a local durty leg, and who comes over??? A man dressed so dashingly that nothing you can do or say will make a difference. The lady was his before he even walked up. And you know what the irony is in the whole situation? The article of clothing that secured his late night rompings with the abovementioned lady isn't even available to you. We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to announce that this tragic event shall no longer plague our lady-chasing readers. Recent lawsuits brought to the Members Only Inc., the company who manufactures those exclusive jackets, now allow anyone, members and non-members, to adorn themselves with the coolest fashion piece since Bolo ties. The fashion world's attempt at discrimination is over. So go out young men and proudly wear those flat grey and blue jackets with pride. The next time a hot, new accessory hits the fashion world, say a nice cod piece, lets not exclude some, but rather let all enjoy in the fun.

Peter Billingsley Hasn't Shot Eye Out

After an exhaustive search of L.A. nightclubs and B-movie sets the Daily Scoffer is happy to report that we have found Peter Billingsley and he has not shot his eye out. We recently caught up to the child star who portrayed Ralpie in the cult Christmas classic "A Christmas Story" and he confirmed to us that both of his peepers are quite in. "Holy fudge, if one more person asks me that I am going to stick a Red Ryder up their ass." Billingsley said when queried by TDS reporters. "It was just a movie. In real life I know and practice proper safety techniques when handling firearms." Billingsley, who is a card carrying member of the N.R.A., assured us that he has taken several fire arms safety courses, although TDS can report that some of these were a provision of his probation for shooting his mother after she washed his mouth out with a bar of soap. Billingsley says that he has matured since the incident, and that anyone that wants to see how he has matured as an actor can check out his 2000 release, "No Deposit, No Return", our his 2003 skin flick, "A Christmas Story With No Pants." Billingsley is currently working as a gaffer on the set of Steven Segal's latest film "Fireloins", and says his future plans include driving around Beverly Hills putting his resume in random mailboxes.

Wolf Blitzer Undresses Paula Zahn With Eyes

A well placed source in the CNN breakroom has reported that Wolf Blitzer has confided with Anderson Cooper that after last night's show he used his powers of imagination to picture Paula Zahn naked as they walked to their post production wrap up meeting. According to our source Anderson shuddered and mumbled something along the lines of "sick bastard" and walked briskly from the room. A CNN spokeswoman said that officially that type of behavior at CNN is strictly prohibited, except in the case of Aaron Brown who she says can "read my teleprompter anytime". When informed of Blitzer's actions Zahn said that she was highly offended, but also suprisingly intrigued. Blitzer did not return our request for an interview but did release a statement that said "I wear a beard to hide my shame."

Ricky Williams Leaves Life of Sex, Drugs and Money for Life of Sex, Drugs and A Little Less Money

There has been a surprising twist in the ongoing, seeming to be never-ending saga that is Ricky Williams’ life. Mr. Williams, who has been no stranger as of late to the world of news, finally announced late Thursday why exactly he did decide to retire for the National Football League. “You see, I was living a life that was centered around doing drugs, having lots of sex with beautiful women, and making tons of money...oh yeah, and playing a little football every Sunday,” Ricky was quoted as saying to the AP. “My focus was all wrong, so I decided to quit the NFL and direct all of my attention to getting high and sleeping with lots of women.” When asked about the reported 8.6 million he now owes the Dolphins, Mr. Williams said “umm, yeah, that part kinda sucks...but I still have my sex and drugs to fall back on. The whole football thing was just a distraction.”
In related news, New Orleans Saints Owner Tom Benson and former coach Mike Ditka were seen having dinner at famed French Quarter Restaurant Antoines by The Daily Scoffer’s very own field correspondent Boog Rector. Mr. Rector told TDS that Mr. Benson and Mr. Ditka were discussing how awesome it was when they both decided it would be a great idea to trade 47 draft picks over 21 years in order to acquire Ricky Williams a few years back. Boog Rector proceeded to ask the two gentlemen if they still considered the former trade a good idea considering the latest news surrounding Mr. Williams. “Most definitely. It’s not everyday that you get the chance to completely ruin a NFL franchise,” Mr. Benson replied. Assuming they were dead, Ruben Maize, Dalton Hilliard, Ricky Jackson, Sam Mills, Bobby Hebert, Morton Anderson and the punter who actually kicked the football backwards in a live game and never heard from again all rolled over in their respective graves.

Ba'athist Trials Could Get Messy

The trials of several former officials of the Ba'athist regime, which governed Iraq until coalition forces overthrew Saddam Hussein last year, could be messy, warn officials within the US State Department who have asked to remain anonymous.

As this article went to press, there was a ring of journalists around the compound where the Ba'athists are being held, colloquially known as 'the tub'. Security at the tub is tight, especially since Ba'athist strongman Suds al-Showeri was assassinated last month by a local Iraqi man.

There will be no guns, knives, bombs, toasters, or rubber duckies allowed at the trial. All burqas must be monogrammed; the judges' parents will beat on the wall if the trial goes on for more than five minutes.

Monocle Returns To the Mainstream, Mr. Peanut Gloats

After a long, hard fall from its once lofty perch as the preferred eyewear accessory of wealthy industrialists and social gadflys the monocle is enjoying a meteoric rise back into the right eye sockets of society. The monocle has long been thought of as one of the finest examples of "functional fashion," a sentiment that Claude C. Vandermorganbilt articulated when he opined, "I do say, two bits to the man who can produce something that can both coordinate with my derby and elevate half of my vision to near perfect clarity!" But soon after offering that bold challenge Mr. Vandermorganbilt slept with his sister and the industrial revolution was over. The monocle was replaced by the duonocle, which would evolve into the eyeglasses of today. But as the phoenix rises from the ashes the monocle has come back to join bellbottoms, leg warmers, disco and Martin Van Burean in proving that everything will sooner or later come back in style. As monocle sales continue to skyrocket society is returning to that gilded age when an entire work force could be wiped out on a whim and any shocking event was punctuated by the sound of a room full of monocles falling to the floor. So take it from your humble reporter/monocle salesman, to be on the cusp of the fashion wave hop into your horseless carriage go get a monocle today.

AICPA To Adopt Steroid Testing Program

The American Institute of Certified Public Accountants (AICPA) has announced that in an effort to avoid an embarrassing P.R. nightmare they will begin a comprehensive and personally invasive steroid testing program. "We can no longer turn a blind eye," said AICPA President Scooter McFly, "the way these guys have been receiving accounts is unheard of, they must be juicing." There have been other allegations swirling around the accounting profession, such as cooking the books and corking pencils, and with tax season just around the corner the AICPA is eager to put the controversy to rest. "It is really about the kids," explained Ernst & Young bean counter Seth Sneed, CPA, "after actors, athletes, musicians, video game characters, VJ's, astronauts, argonauts and cosmonauts kids look to us as role models. We need to balance our sheets in an ethical and drug-free manner." All AICPA members will be required to visit a local drug testing agency and the visit will count as 1 hour of CPE credit. The cost of the visit will of course be written off as an unreimbursed business expense, according to a high level TDS source.

Only One More Shopping Day Until Christmas

Even though there are 13 days left until the actual holiday there is only one more shopping day until Christmas, TDS has learned. According to the Group of Retailers Engaged in Enormous Discounting (G.R.E.E.D.)the holiday shopping season has been moved up one day every year for the past 13 years. A GREED spokesperson explains,"In an effort to cash in on the holiday retail boost as soon as possible each year we have been getting the holiday season into gear a little faster. This year for example the day after Thanksgiving was on November 12th." According to the spokesperson malls and outlets across America have been accomplishing this feat by putting out holiday decorations early, playing Christmas music in stores by August and bringing Santa's, gift wrapping stations and Salvation Army bellringers into stores as early as necessary. TDS has learned that shoppers can hit after Christmas sales on December 15th, and begin shopping for Valentines Day on the 23rd.

Hardees Receives "Corporate Citizenship Award"

It doesn't happen that often, but every now and then a company exemplifies standards and policies that we here at TDS feel needs to be honored. CKE, Inc. or Hardees to you layman, is one such company. The following list explains why Hardees deserves the "Corporate Citizenship Award". After reading, we feel that you will agree.

1. Combining sausage, eggs, cheese and grits and putting them all in one bowl. Yum.
2. Painting brown substance on biscuits to give them that "made from scratch" texture and look.
3. Serving breakfast "all day" on Tuesdays. Amazing.
4. By employing those who have been fired from McDonalds and Burger King, you give hope one minimum wage hour at a time.
5. Although it doesn't contain any actual peaches, your Peach Milkshake gives our pallets an almost orgasmic sensation.
6. When others said it could'nt (or should'nt) be done, you created a burger so collosal that it is now possible to digest an entire months worth of fat and calories in one setting.

Thank you Hardees. For this and so, so much more!

Bonds/Giambi Scandal

In light of the recent steroid scandals surrounding Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi, The Daily Scoffer uncovered a still-classified list of famous MLB players of past and present and their addictions. Sources close to current commissioner Bud Selig tell TDS that deciding to release this list could have a serious ripple effect in the sports world. Stay tuned to The Daily Scoffer as we continue to uncover other sports stars and their tragic addictions.


Rollie Fingers: Caffeine Pills
"Oil Can" Boyd: 10-W40
Babe Ruth: "Oh Henry" Bars
John Kruk: Big League Chew
Derek Jeter: Own reflection
Paul Molitor: Aspercreme
Dale Murphy: Circus Peanuts
Andre Dawson: Anime
Bob Lemon: Lime-Aid
Delino Deshields: Burt Bacharach
Orel Hershiser: Fellatio
Daryl Strawberry: Creme de Menthe

Aww, Man, Now Baseball's Ruined

The ol' baseball stadium used to be the stomping ground of ludicrously overpaid megalomaniacs who could round the bags in a matter of minutes and adjust their wayward jockstraps with naught but a flick of the wrist. Dribbling chaw juice and profanities, these titans were the stuff of legend--doe-eyed children all across America and Canada looked to the denizens of the diamonds as unto gods and heroes from another age.

But now baseball is really ruined. The admission last week by Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi that they had taken performance-enhancing substances on a regular basis destroyed the heretofore-unblemished reputation of all of the boys of summer. What? What is this? Do you mean to tell me that when men of average build, within a space of five days, become hulking behemoths rippling with muscles that all of it, all of the otherworldly prowess and lion-like power and grace, is a sham? How could this be? Oh, baseball, we never doubted you, not for one second, until this sad December when all the lights went out on all of our fields of dreams.

Where have you gone, Jason Giambi? Our nation turns its sated eyes to you. And Barry, great bulk marbled with riverine agility and supple twitch, can you step out of the dugout one last time to say that none of this is true? Now our children will have to find some other self-worshiping millionaire to look up to, some other miserly drug addict after whom to model their own lives. You've really let us down, baseball. We never, never saw this coming.

Screen Actors Guild Sets Forth Moral guidelines

Confused and uncertain in the soul-less, godless world that they have created for themselves the Hollywood elite have established a set of "sins" that will hopefully provide direction and purpose to life. While it is not required for the general population to follow these rules viewers of Entertainment Tonight and readers of US, People and Lemming Quarterly will surely imitate the actions of those blessed with beauty and silicon. The Daily Scoffer has of course obtained a list of these so called "Sins of Rodeo Drive" that have been release by the Screen Actors Guild (SAG).

Deadly Sins of Rodeo Drive
by The Screen Actors Guild

1. Buying off the rack
2. Modesty
3. Deviating from the script at award shows*
4. Knowing why you hate the Bush administration
5. Self-respect
6. Eating Ranch dressing
7. Giving back to the community
8. Not owning a pair of UGG boots
9. Missing Tuesday night scientology discussion group
10. Flying commercial

*except the Euro Daytime Emmy's

We hope that by following these maxims you can enjoy a more shallow, empty existence.

O Tanningbed!

O Tanningbed, O Tanningbed,
Your radiation cooks us.
O Tanningbed, O Tanningbed,
Your sweaty film infects us.

It is the highest form of glee--
To pay for what God gives for free.

O Tanningbed, O Tanningbed,
Your UV rays mutate us.