Ricky Williams Leaves Life of Sex, Drugs and Money for Life of Sex, Drugs and A Little Less Money

There has been a surprising twist in the ongoing, seeming to be never-ending saga that is Ricky Williams’ life. Mr. Williams, who has been no stranger as of late to the world of news, finally announced late Thursday why exactly he did decide to retire for the National Football League. “You see, I was living a life that was centered around doing drugs, having lots of sex with beautiful women, and making tons of money...oh yeah, and playing a little football every Sunday,” Ricky was quoted as saying to the AP. “My focus was all wrong, so I decided to quit the NFL and direct all of my attention to getting high and sleeping with lots of women.” When asked about the reported 8.6 million he now owes the Dolphins, Mr. Williams said “umm, yeah, that part kinda sucks...but I still have my sex and drugs to fall back on. The whole football thing was just a distraction.”
In related news, New Orleans Saints Owner Tom Benson and former coach Mike Ditka were seen having dinner at famed French Quarter Restaurant Antoines by The Daily Scoffer’s very own field correspondent Boog Rector. Mr. Rector told TDS that Mr. Benson and Mr. Ditka were discussing how awesome it was when they both decided it would be a great idea to trade 47 draft picks over 21 years in order to acquire Ricky Williams a few years back. Boog Rector proceeded to ask the two gentlemen if they still considered the former trade a good idea considering the latest news surrounding Mr. Williams. “Most definitely. It’s not everyday that you get the chance to completely ruin a NFL franchise,” Mr. Benson replied. Assuming they were dead, Ruben Maize, Dalton Hilliard, Ricky Jackson, Sam Mills, Bobby Hebert, Morton Anderson and the punter who actually kicked the football backwards in a live game and never heard from again all rolled over in their respective graves.