Monocle Returns To the Mainstream, Mr. Peanut Gloats

After a long, hard fall from its once lofty perch as the preferred eyewear accessory of wealthy industrialists and social gadflys the monocle is enjoying a meteoric rise back into the right eye sockets of society. The monocle has long been thought of as one of the finest examples of "functional fashion," a sentiment that Claude C. Vandermorganbilt articulated when he opined, "I do say, two bits to the man who can produce something that can both coordinate with my derby and elevate half of my vision to near perfect clarity!" But soon after offering that bold challenge Mr. Vandermorganbilt slept with his sister and the industrial revolution was over. The monocle was replaced by the duonocle, which would evolve into the eyeglasses of today. But as the phoenix rises from the ashes the monocle has come back to join bellbottoms, leg warmers, disco and Martin Van Burean in proving that everything will sooner or later come back in style. As monocle sales continue to skyrocket society is returning to that gilded age when an entire work force could be wiped out on a whim and any shocking event was punctuated by the sound of a room full of monocles falling to the floor. So take it from your humble reporter/monocle salesman, to be on the cusp of the fashion wave hop into your horseless carriage go get a monocle today.