Recently Weaned Infant Tells Mom, 'Thanks for the Mammaries'
Monday, February 28, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Barry Bonds Discovers Powerful New Form of Logic
"YES, I knowingly and unlawfully took steroids.
"BUT, I am black and Babe Ruth was not.
"THEREFORE, I did not knowingly and unlawfully take steroids."
{We encourage younger Scoffer readers to use this rhetorical tool in order to enlighten their benighted parents.}
Weekend Forecast: 100% Chance of Lefts!
Looking for something repetitive to do this weekend? Jonesing to see some fossil fuels consumed? Tired of all those right turns? Well boy are you in luck! Join millions of other southern and Midwestern American males ages 18-34 and tune in the Auto Club California 500. Not only will you see the limits of automotive technology pushed to the limits as teams spend millions to run like so many hamsters in a wheel 500 miles only to end up where they started, but no less than 64,000 left turns are guaranteed or your money back. If you really want a thrill you could attend the event (not recommended for minorities)where many unattractive females will be wearing (or not) tank tops and cutoff shorts. In addition, you can get a lite beer for $72.50. Coming on Monday: large dudes+small shorts+pretend fighting=GOOD TIMES!
Prom Season 2005
Don't wait till the last mintue to ask that special lady...you might not like who's left the day before the dance!
Bathing Beauties
It is not very often that I am excited to go to my mailbox and see what's inside. Normally it's the same stuff everyone else gets on a monthly basis...Jelly of the Month Club Dues, Funeral Home Coupons, Nigerian Yellow Cake, Ten Cases of Cabo Wabo tequila, you know, the usual suspects. But this month was different, way different. For you see, every year since 1678 Sports Illustrated has teamed up with some of the worlds hottest women to create a swimsuit edition of its magazine, and this year's installment was par for the course. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the ladies, they really rev my big block, but during this age of political correctness, I think it's time for SI to enter the 21st Century. Other than the typical blonde, big-breasted harlots that we see year after year, I'm proposing that we get a little diversity for next years issue. I'm confident you would all agree that Janet Reno would make a lovely cover girl. Sure she has massive stretch marks from her first pregnancy, but its nothing a little cocoa butter and mederma wont cure. Or maybe your toes curl for a different beauty, say Camryn Manheim from The Practice or the Vice President's little dirrty-legg Lynn Cheney. My personal favorite is the Queen Mum herself, what I wouldn't give to see her...uhh nevermind. Whomever its is, I urge, no I implore you to write your local congress person and demand that they make next years SI Swimsuit issue one for the ages!
Study: 46% of iPod Wearers Listening to Nothing
In a study released today by the American Institute of useless and Wasteful Studies (AIUWS) it has been revealed that 46% of iPod owners use their iPod as only a fashion accessory and never listen to music on the device. Even more shocking 15% of owners don't even know it plays music, they just bought it because it was a cheaper way to look cool than other way to look cool, a Louis Vuitton tophat. Among the 54% that do listen to music on their iPods the AIUWS study showed that 14% listen to Nickelback, Trapt, Ashlee Simpson or some combination of the three. To this segment it is the recommendation of the Daily Scoffer that they join the 46% not listing to anything.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Campaign to Change Names of Sports Teams Picks Up Steam
NBC and CNN, in a partnership designed to promote a climate of fear and apprehension among the American viewing population, announced today that their initial efforts to persuade sports team owners to change team names has met with unexpected levels of success.
Some examples of the changes, which affect all major sports leagues, are:
* Miami Dolph Lundgrens
* Washington Senators and Congressmen (new team)
* Philadelphia Phillies and Indianapolis Colts merge to produce Colts and Fillies (positively scandalous!)
* San Antonio Spores
* Chicago Carbs
* Buffalo Three-Dollar Bills
* Phoenix Sunspots
* Minnesota Vikings (no change--Vikings are already really scary)
* Baltimore Cravens
* Green Bay Hackers
* New York Gnats
* L.A. Draft Dodgers
* Pittsburgh Intellectual Property Piracy
* Cincinnati Red Menace
The Daily Scoffer will keep readers informed as new teams are added to the list.
In the meantime, whether you're watching sports on TV or attending a sporting event in person, the most important thing to remember is to be very afraid. It's your civic duty.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Bush in Brussels
"Heh heh... umm, I don't remember Elton John having been elected prime minister of Belgium. Well, maybe I'd better not bring up any gay marriage business. Durn--now I wish I'd gone with Laura and the kids to see that 'Lion King' movie a while back."
Bush in Brussels
"Well, I'll be... The Prime Minister of Luxembourg is a daggone ghost. I'll have to tell Laura about this."
Monday, February 21, 2005
John Negroponte's List of Most Surprising Things about his New Job
Thanks to plants deep within the United States' intelligence network (mainly rhododendron and ficus, if you must know), The Daily Scoffer has obtained a list drawn up by recently-appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte of some things that most surprised him during his first few days on the job. Here is the list in totum:
1. Intelligence Czar spends most of his time buying Yuban and apple fritters for office staff.
2. CIA operations are funded almost exclusively by auctioning off signed rookie cards of Afghani warlords.
3. All the nameplates on doors and desks are blank.
4. At the daily briefing, President Bush skims over the 20-page intelligence report and then starts asking if Kim Jong-Il has any of the 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'.
5. Operation Smallpox Neckties for Middle Management is going to be a PR nightmare, I can just feel it.
6. The most requested aliases are '007', 'Kurt Schilling', 'Ike Turner', and 'John Negroponte'.
7. Being called 'czar' of anything goes straight to one's head. I'm jonesing for a samovar and some lowly villeins and serfs to kick around.
8. Seriously, nobody knows anything.
Well, there you have it, fellow Scoffers. Thanks are due to the brave fici and rhodonendroi who made this exposé possible. Extra water rations all around...
Washington, Lincoln Descendants Duke it out on Washington Mall
Descendants of America's first president, George Washington, and her sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln, gathered on the Mall in Washington today to celebrate the (approximate) birthdays of the two men widely regarded as this country's greatest chief executives.
But things turned sour when some elements on both sides began taunting one another; within minutes, a free-for-all fisticuff had broken out, sending women and children fleeing from the raucus fray.
As one eyewitness described it, "Well, I was just minding my own business, having some Lincoln pecan log and some Gettysburg gravy, when this Washington-descended clown starts aping on Abe, saying, 'Hey, is it Knob Creek, Illinois, or Knob Creek, Kentucky? Which is it, punk?' I thought he was acting outrageously, but I let it slide. However, more and more people started chiming in, and I finally had enough so I dumped my Gettysburg gravy all over the offending group. Well, I guess we could call that the 'Mrs. O'Leary's cow' of the situation. From there, things got pretty ugly pretty quickly. It was Hobbesian in there, I tell you."
Among the insults hurled back and forth were, "Washington wore tight britches", "Lincoln kept a flask in his stovepipe hat", "Mary Todd was a loony wench", "Martha Washington was a slave-driving hussy", and, "How hard is it to cross the Deleware if other people are doing all the rowing?".
Despite this outburst of hyper-attenuated family pride, The Daily Scoffer hopes that everyone will have a happy and non-partisan Presidents' Day.
(Ed. Note: Please join us on the Mall next month for the annual "Grant and Lee Descendants' Reunion", which is always a rip-roaring good time.)
Saturday, February 19, 2005
The Newest Diet Craze: Avoiding Intolerant Lactose
While many of us have heard of, or may even be suffering from, lactose intolerance, it seems that there is an even more sinister lactose-related phenomenon on the rise, known colloquially as 'intolerant lactose'.
Intolerant lactose can frequently be overheard saying unflattering things about others who are different; for example, intolerant lactose often says things such as, "Have you herd? Dairy is for studs--poultry clucks eggs", "Fructose and sucrose are literally for fruitcakes", and "All Muslims are terrorists".
Nutritionists and other dietary scientists are advising all Americans to steer clear of this wayward molecular compound. When we asked intolerant lactose for a response to the warning, he said, "Those nutritionists are such pansies. When's the last time they chugged a cold glass of cow's milk? I can't stand nutritionists. They're all in the pocket of the vegetable lobby, anyway."
Ahh, the vituperous scorn of intolerant lactose. You heard it here first, fellow Scoffers.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
American Idol Down To People Who Don't Suck, Ratings Plummet
The Fox hit show American Idol has cut its field of contestants down to 24 performers who don't suck and has seen a significant slowdown in ratings as a result. This was expected, explains Idol producer Aaron Golden, "We understand that people watch the first 6 weeks of Idol because the idiots on here make them feel better about themselves. Now that we are down to the talented, attractive and generally well adjusted most of America will focus on the Jack-o trial." Coincidently there are more contestants left on American Idol than people in America who care that hockey is cancelled.
Oh, Fiddlesticks...
Maybe if I stay perfectly still they won't be able to see me. I heard thier vision is based on movement.
Say Goodbye to the Whole Pucking Season
In place of the non-stop thrills once offered by millionaire troglodytes chasing a little black rock around an ice-skating rink, you might be captivated by the hot-button issue of Social Security benefits to al Qaeda members in Iraq who make over 90,000 dinars a year.
And in unrelated news, all orthodontics schools north of the Mason-Dixon line are closed until further notice.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
"My Elbow is Purple,
hydrogen is the most abundant element in the universe, Dan Dierdorf was a six time all-pro tackle with the St. Louis Cardinals, caterpillars come in all shapes and sizes, and Marty McFly is my hero.
"That's why I bought a Saturn."
"Ever Since the Vacuum Cleaner was First Invented...
...the English have had servants operate the contraptions for them. That's why I invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner--it saves our poor serfs' backs. I just think bourgeois tapestry-cleaning devices should work properly."
Hallway Etiquette
Tom Cochran once almost said that life is a hallway, and for many of us the hallway of life is fraught with uncertainty about how to react to our passing peers as we wander towards our destination. But being that it is the mission of the Daily Scoffer to make life in society less confusing for all we offer this guide of how to handle common hallway greetings that frustrate even the most precocious of pedestrians.
Locale: Corporate America
Situation: Passing someone you know, but not really
Proper Action: Tight lipped smile and half nod. NO EYECONTACT!
Locale: Corporate America
Situation: Passing VP of Department
Proper Action: Drop to knees, open mouth, close eyes
Locale: College Campus
Situation: Passing punk you smoked in the debate meet
Proper Action: Offer hand in show of good will and say "Hey Chum...p" and withdraw hand at last minute. *optional- high five friends and exclaim "hi-o!"*
Locale: Local Shop 'n Save
Situation: Passing girl who 'declined' your invitation to prom
Proper Action: Loudly exclaim to anyone who will listen that you are buying the premium spices because your sweet job affords you a top shelf lifestyle. Later circle back for the store brand.
Locale: Airport
Situation: Passing Pauly Shore in Southwest terminal.
Proper Action: None. B-list celebs gets no love.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Exasperated Wife to Chronically Constipated and Befuddled Wheat Farmer Husband:
"Why don't you use the bran God gave you?"
American Companies Rushing into Fledgling Iraq Market
American companies, emboldened by the recent successful elections in Iraq, have begun moving into the former dictatorship with hopes of inking lucrative deals with Iraqi entrepreneurial counterparts.
In one example, the Coca-Cola® Corporation, realizing the need for rapid thirst quenching and electrolyte replenishment in a country that is comprised mostly of punishing desert, announced today that it was tailoring its popular Gatorade™ brand drinks to appeal to potential customers in the Middle East.
"We're retooling the packaging and the names of some beverage products to maximize exposure in this new, unfamiliar market," said Gregg Baine, chief marketing strategist for Coca-Cola®'s Trans-Jordan region.
Some notable new additions: Mullah Melon Blast, Fatwa Fruit Explosion, Ayatollah It Was Berry Good, Allawi-Zowie Kiwi-Mocha Medley, and Zesty Cranberry Juice Jihad.
"We're totally psyched about these new products, and we hope that our Iraqi customers will be, too," added Baine. "I'm drinking a Mullah Melon Blast right now, and, boy, is it Mullah-riffic."
Oh, How Crestfallen I was when I Discovered, Upon Opening my W-2 Form, that:
It was another year without any fishing boat proceeds whatsoever! Ahh, I am not a man, but a pitiable failure.
Euh, me miserum.
Pentagon Scientists Discover Cure for Communism--
--Large doses of lead administered rapidly through the skin.
Monday, February 14, 2005
How Grammar School is Different in the Desert
* Verbs not parsed, but parched.
* Forget calculus--say hello to cactulus.
* Drafting class cancelled, renamed Droughting class.
* Swim team foregoes the backstroke in favor of the heatstroke.
* Cafeteria food often described as 'yucca'.
* Students study Art and Rommel's WWII North African Campaign simultaneously, don 'Desert Smocks'.
* A/V Lab really a UV lab.
* Students on detention forced to scrub scrubgrass.
* Gymnastics squad dubbed 'Li'l Tumblin' Weeds'.
* Marching Band? More like 'Munching Sand'.
* Meet your new principal--Wyatt Earp.
* School bus drivers frequently spend hours chasing ever-receding 'oases'.
* Fancy 'whee-oo-whee-oo' whistling sound every time you enter a door.
It's Not Too Late To Order Flowers For Valentines Day!
Oh wait. It is too late. You're screwed. Sorry.
From the Scoffer Music Files
SHHHHH! I think I've found the sure-fire secret on how to win a Grammy. What, you want me to tell you. Nosir! Well, ok since you did ask so politely. Alright, but you've gotta guess first. Talent you say? Nope. Is that creative genius I hear? Wrong. Who said years of practice and dedication....uh, incorrect-a-mundo! Wait did I just hear a niner? Anyways, The Academy will bestow upon you accolades like you have never before seen if you just follow my advice: DIE!
Yes, you heard it right, by ceasing to exist your name will live in musical infamy for many years to come. Now, I know what you are thinking, just stop it right now. Yes I respect Johnny Cash and yes I think that Ray Charles rocked like no other, but, you know it's gonna happen sooner or later. Some C-List artist from 1993 will release one lame comeback album and die just in enough time to make the Grammy Nomination List and bam! There it is. Album of the Year Award goes to: Richard Marx. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Hello, Everybody!
Oh,
To the Gulag we will go,
To the Gulag we will go,
High-Ho-the-Derry-O,
To the Gulag we will go!
Huzzah!
To the Gulag we will go,
To the Gulag we will go,
High-Ho-the-Derry-O,
To the Gulag we will go!
Huzzah!
World Leaders and Dignitaries Gear Up for Saint Patrick's Day
World leaders (pretend and otherwise) and other dignitaries began sending gifts to Bertie Ahern, Taoiseach of the Republic of Ireland, in anticipation of Saint Patrick's Day, now just over one month away. Some of the more noteworthy items, and their presenters, are:
* From former president Bill Clinton, and wife Hillary--a shillelagh, signed by Clinton-era Health and Human Services Secretary Donna "Don't Call Me Shillelagh" Shalala
* From North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il--a pot o' gold (with a note attached: 'Please fill with uranium and return to sender')
* From the Queen of England--a condescending note written on a bedsheet-size Union Jack
* From the Scottish Parliament--two tickets to the Edinburgh Dance Troupe's latest production of 'Tam o' Shanter Ain't Irish, For Cryin' oot Lood'
* From famed Scottish comedian Billy Connolly--a tape of his stand-up special, 'Erin Went Bragh-less'
* From Irish rocker Bono--a CD of 'Clannad Covers Dokken: Live at the Met'
* From the ghost of William Butler Yeats--a spooky visiting, during which Yeats' ghost will recite, 'I've been dead for many winters now / And still have no peace, / For 'Yeats' rhymes with 'persimmon crates', / And NOT WITH KEATS!'
* From the CEO of 'Gem and Jewelry Supermart'--the entire emerald aisle
The Daily Scoffer will also be sending along a monogrammed scoff, for those cold Dublin nights.
Happy early Saint Paddy's Day, from everyone at TDS!
Friday, February 11, 2005
An Event You Won't Be Attending
As you certainly know, Prince Charles and his super hot lady Camilla Parker Lewis Bowles are to be wed this spring. Of course your humble correspondent will be a guest of honor, and of course you won't be invited. However, I was once a common man so I am willing to share with you the itinerary of the blessed event so that you know minute by minute what fun you are missing.
Schedule of Events for the Wedding of Prince Chuck to C.P.B.
Thursday
12:00 pm - Groomsmen meet at Men's Warehouse to pick up tux's
1:00 pm - A round of hearty backslap's and Atta boys for Prince Charles
3:15 pm - Throw handfuls of 1/2 shillings to disperse paparazzi
5:30 pm - B.B.Q. @ best man's
8:00 pm - Bedtime story read by muse (as usual)
9:15 pm - Sneak out to O'Charley's for sourapple martini's (Prince's idea)
2:00 am - Walk home....bad experience with chauffeurs
Friday
10:30 am - Open one eye and moan
12:00 pm - Remind yourself how rich you are and get some lunch
1:00 pm - Meet at polo grounds
2:30 pm - Sourapple martinis (Prince again)
3:00 pm - Head to Target to get Prince and CPB a wedding gift
6:00 pm - Rehearsal dinner at "Shark Shack"
8:00 pm - Accompany Prince to "Ye Olde Din of Iniquitye"
12:00 am - Accompany Prince to Whisper's house
12:06 am - Take Prince home
Saturday
2:00 pm - Fish and Chips
6:00 pm - Hear King Henry VII roll over in grave
8:00 pm - Abuse open bar privilege
10:00 pm- Sex on Queens bed with bridesmaid
2:30 am - Post bail, head home
North Korean Parliament Votes Unanimously...
...to appoint Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to man the first North Korean nuclear ICBM.
"I advise the Dear Leader to sit right up front, where the view will be best," said an unnamed parliament member.
"Oh, goody goody!" squealed Kim in delight. "When can I ride in it? Huh? When can I? Huh? Can I ride in it yet? Can I? Pleeease... Puh-leeeeaaaaase let me ride in it! C'mon, can I? can I? can I?"
"Oh, I guess so," replied the parliament member. "Have a safe trip, Dear Leader!"
Liberian Advisors Enter Togo
Liberian military advisors began pouring into the troubled nation of Togo last week, hoping to earn big profits by selling arms and expertise in the latest hotspot on the Dark Continent.
Two years ago, a group known as L.U.R.D. (Liberians United for Reconciliation and Democracy) was a major player in the Liberian unrest that eventually resulted in the landing of U.S. Marines in Monrovia. It is this same contingent of rebels that has apparently infiltrated Togo in recent days, changing only the first letter of their acronym to reflect their new base of operations.
"Togoans United for Reconciliation and Democracy is a dangerous band of thugs," said Holole Momka'asa, spokesman for the Togoan Foreign Ministry, in a press conference held yesterday at the capital. "Furthermore, there's something about their moniker that just doesn't sit well with me. I would advise a 'hands-off' policy in all future dealings with them."
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Tenuous Peace Still Reigns o'er the Mighty Hobolochitto
Factions from the Chunky River district held fast yesterday, day seven of a tentative ceasefire called between the Chunky Ever-Victorious Army and the Hobolochitto Hussars, who have been locked in grueling stalemate for more than five months.
Local warlords met under the aegis of UN peace-broker Jan da Mahn last Tuesday morning, and hammered out a tentative halt to offensive operations on both sides.
The Chunky-Hobolochitto War began in September of 2004, when Hobolochitto cattle rustlers raided a camp near the Chunky stronghold of Chunkytown. Analysts say they anticipate that this cease-fire will hold, eventually being upgraded to an armistice, then a truce, and, finally, a treaty of peace.
"May peace reign long o'er the Hobolochitto," said UN General Secretary Kofi Annan yesterday at a session in New York. "Several lives kind of depend on it."
We are still wondering: Just who IS this Phoebe person, anyway?
How do we know her? Why is her site linked to ours? Why does she look so fetchingly charming in her little coat and scarf, propped up against a wall of the Chicago University library? Is there a Mr. Phoebe? Does he sit with his beloved spouse/betrothed/significant other by a crackling fire on blustery Illinois winter evenings, sipping cocoa with little half-melted marshmallows floating around on top, reading the uproarious hilarity of The Daily Scoffer?
Oh, for even a scrap, a wisp, a sherd, a whisper, a hint, a tiny sliver of information about this mystery girl.
(To anyone who objects to our wasting web space with this fluff, please see our masthead.)
Nepal Launches Air Strikes Against Rebels
...who were just as surprised as the rest of the world at the existence of a Nepalese Air Force...
Bush's upcoming Belgium Summit Dubbed 'Brussels Pouts'
President George "Kickin' Terror in the Toosh from Tehran to Arkush" Bush is preparing for a fence-mending summit in Belgium, where he will meet with Chancellor Gerhard "Coalition Exploder" Schroeder of Germany and President Jacques "Ain't Going to Iraq" Chirac. Famous waffler John Kerry applied to go along as cabin boy, but unfortunately Frau Heinz could not find a long enough leash to permit such long-distance traveling.
The Daily Scoffer thought it was the first to call this summit the 'Meeting of the Brussels Pouts'--but, noooo, some other wiseacre got to it first. Why? Why does it always have to be this way? Oh, fooey!
Forty Days/Forty Nights - What I Will Give Up For Lent
One of the oldest traditions in the Catholic Church is to participate in a preparatory period before Easter known as Lent. During this time, Catholics are encouraged to rededicate themselves to the Church by withdrawing from secular distractions. Today is known as Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, the last day of indulgence before entering into Lent. A common tradition of the Church is to abstain from meat during Lent, which is why the celebration known as Mardi Gras is often called Carnival(Latin for farewell to meat). In other words tonight we binge the body, tomorrow we purge the soul. Over time, fasting from just meat lead to refraining of other vices plaguing one's life. In accordance with my faith, I have decided to 'give up' the following items. These are my vices and I intend to renounce them for the next 40 days!
1. My center of balance
2. Chocolate covered homework (this one is for all our junior readers)
3. Step #3 of "7 Habits of Highly Effective People"
4. My cones & rods (this one will most surely suck)
5. My ability to fight off infectious diseases
6. My flu shot cache
7. My Purpose Driven Life
8. My legal citizenship to Papua New Guinea
9. Status as First Ensign
10. Listening to Lionel Richie whilst drinking cold beer(hah, yeah right!)
Please pray for me during this time, it will be very difficult to manage without the aforementioned items. Thank you for your support!
P.S. to all our Catholic readers - please don't confuse my irreverence with blasphemy. Thanks MGMT.
Mobius Strip Club Offers Non-Stop Entertainment
Mobius, a newly-opened gentlemen's club in downtown Honolulu, will offer its patrons "non-stop entertainment", according to the club's manager Don Landers.
"Hey, you walk inna Mobius, you gonna get treated good, you know what I mean?" quoth Messr. Landers.
However, some research by Scoffer staff revealed that the Mobius club is able to offer only one-sided viewing; additionally, club-goers' three-dimensional frames will be rather painfully squashed into two dimensions immediately upon entering the club's doors. Landers admits that some "wimps" might experience some mild discomfort at first, but reassures the public that the girls inside make the pain worthwhile.
Mobius is open twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Admission is one strip of looseleaf paper, given a half twist and taped together at the ends.
Kim Jong Il's 'State of the Dictatorship' Address Actually One Long Standing Ovation
Kim Jong Il, beloved by millions of starving North Korean peasants for his outlandishly decadent lifestyle, could not utter even one word of his annual 'State of the Dictatorship' address last Friday, because as soon as he approached the podium (constructed of the ground-up skulls of former political opponents) the assembled rubber-stamp congress sprung to its feet and applauded wildly for forty-five mintues straight.
In related news, members of Cuba's rubber-stamp congress were planning to defect to North Korea before Castro delivers his 'State of el Dictatoro-ship' later this spring. "Oh, by the sweet ghost of Che Guevara, I will do anything to avoid another seven-hour rant by that decrepit old madman," said Manuel Manuelino y Manuela, whose name the Scoffer changed for obvious reasons (i.e., it's much funnier this way).
Democrats Finally Find Platform; Promote Skin Care Products, Change Name of Party to 'Dermocrats'
After decades of knee-jerk reactionism and obstructionist whining, Democrats finally found something productive to do with themselves, announcing yesterday that they were reinventing the Yellow Dog party as "the party of healthy, radiant, glowing skin--the Dermocrats".
Debunked former South Dakota senator Tom Daschle was the first to latch on to the new development, springing into action for springy skin at an impromptu press conference held at the Black Hills Indian Casino in Pierre. "I looooove skin care products," raved a visibly giddy Daschle (whose T-zone, by the way, looked phenomenal), "and I loooooove wasting taxpayer money. This is the perfect new direction for me, and for the Democrats--I mean, the 'Dermocrats'. Hee-hee!"
The Daily Scoffer also attempted to contact New York senator Hillary Clinton for her reaction to the news, but she was still engaged in preparatory andricidal sorcery (see previous Scoffer article).
At any rate, the new Dermocrats are FAB, so why not vote for one next time around?
Friday, February 04, 2005
'Pleasures of the Flesh' Top Greatest Sins of 2004
Well folks, the polling stations have been closed and the results are tallied. Once again 'Pleasures of the Flesh' top the Greatest Sins/Sinners list of 2004. "It was really an unexpected honor," P.O.T.F spokeswoman Allata Fagina told The Daily Scoffer, "we had an awesome run going there, having won three years in a row. But to get an unprecedented fourth title, I'm speechless, and it's not because of the huge cod piece in my mouth, I literally am without speech!" Rounding out the list were the following sins, some oldie-but-goodies and some sure surprises:
1. Pleasures of the Flesh(Including members of Kofi Annan's Oil For Fellatio Program)
2. Reality TV Addicts
3. Sadists/Masochists
4. Democrats
5. Yankee Fans
6. White Pony Jockeys
7. Owners of Barbra Streisand CD's
8. Wearers of Jean Shorts (cut off or pleated)
9. Murder
10. Lebanese Insurance Fraud
We are confident that none of our readers are guilty of the previous sins, but if so, don't worry. It's not too late! Just contact Creflo Dollar and all your iniquities will be absolved.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
From the Scoffer Personals
Wanted:
L.A. face with an Oakland booty.
Please respond to sirmix6969@onehit.com
Dems in High Def!
Last night the President gave the State of the Union address. Iraqi voters hugged the parents of fallen soldiers. Freshman Senators painted their fingers. Half of the congress sat on their hands like children who don't want to eat their peas while the other half jumped up and down like children who just found out school was canceled. But everyone in America was waiting for one thing, one unforgettable event: THE DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE PRESENTED IN HI-DEF!This is what the hi-def movement is all about. This is the pinnacle of human technological achievement. This, my friends, is why we spend thousands on flat panel TV's and pay Comcast the extra $7 a month, to see Nancy Pelosi nay-say the President from the floor of the Capital. The high definition pixilation made it possible to actually see the contempt drip off of her words as she and Tom Daschle played second fiddle to W once again, with four more years of the same lame time slot on the horizon. Yep, hi-def and Democrats. A combination as classic as Pandas and circus peanuts, and every bit as soft.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Improper Bead Usage Defined
With Mardi Gras season upon us many of you are no doubt engaging in all manner of unspeakable acts to obtain beads of every size, shape and color. A quick look into the Daily Scoffer Orb of Soothsaying confirms that these beads will then be piled into garages, closets and Y2K shelters all across our great nation. Being the nation of innovators and thinkers that the United States is we can predict even without the Orb of Soothsaying that several, nay, even dozens of you revelers will try to come up with creative uses for these plastic jewels and we would like to guide you on you path by offering up some uses that have been tried and failed by past generations.
Improper Uses of Your Mardi Gras Beads:
1. Spare thongs
2. Replacement timing belt for your Buick
3. Emergency Rosary
4. Anchor while freeclimbing "The Widowmaker"
5. Rent payment
6. Condiment on your Lucky Dog
7. Weapon in local turf war
8. Toy in babies crib
9. Payment for island in New York
Happy Mardi Gras!
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