The Newest Diet Craze: Avoiding Intolerant Lactose

While many of us have heard of, or may even be suffering from, lactose intolerance, it seems that there is an even more sinister lactose-related phenomenon on the rise, known colloquially as 'intolerant lactose'.

Intolerant lactose can frequently be overheard saying unflattering things about others who are different; for example, intolerant lactose often says things such as, "Have you herd? Dairy is for studs--poultry clucks eggs", "Fructose and sucrose are literally for fruitcakes", and "All Muslims are terrorists".

Nutritionists and other dietary scientists are advising all Americans to steer clear of this wayward molecular compound. When we asked intolerant lactose for a response to the warning, he said, "Those nutritionists are such pansies. When's the last time they chugged a cold glass of cow's milk? I can't stand nutritionists. They're all in the pocket of the vegetable lobby, anyway."

Ahh, the vituperous scorn of intolerant lactose. You heard it here first, fellow Scoffers.