Improper Bead Usage Defined

With Mardi Gras season upon us many of you are no doubt engaging in all manner of unspeakable acts to obtain beads of every size, shape and color. A quick look into the Daily Scoffer Orb of Soothsaying confirms that these beads will then be piled into garages, closets and Y2K shelters all across our great nation. Being the nation of innovators and thinkers that the United States is we can predict even without the Orb of Soothsaying that several, nay, even dozens of you revelers will try to come up with creative uses for these plastic jewels and we would like to guide you on you path by offering up some uses that have been tried and failed by past generations.

Improper Uses of Your Mardi Gras Beads:

1. Spare thongs
2. Replacement timing belt for your Buick
3. Emergency Rosary
4. Anchor while freeclimbing "The Widowmaker"
5. Rent payment
6. Condiment on your Lucky Dog
7. Weapon in local turf war
8. Toy in babies crib
9. Payment for island in New York


Happy Mardi Gras!