John Negroponte's List of Most Surprising Things about his New Job

Thanks to plants deep within the United States' intelligence network (mainly rhododendron and ficus, if you must know), The Daily Scoffer has obtained a list drawn up by recently-appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte of some things that most surprised him during his first few days on the job. Here is the list in totum:

1. Intelligence Czar spends most of his time buying Yuban and apple fritters for office staff.

2. CIA operations are funded almost exclusively by auctioning off signed rookie cards of Afghani warlords.

3. All the nameplates on doors and desks are blank.

4. At the daily briefing, President Bush skims over the 20-page intelligence report and then starts asking if Kim Jong-Il has any of the 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'.

5. Operation Smallpox Neckties for Middle Management is going to be a PR nightmare, I can just feel it.

6. The most requested aliases are '007', 'Kurt Schilling', 'Ike Turner', and 'John Negroponte'.

7. Being called 'czar' of anything goes straight to one's head. I'm jonesing for a samovar and some lowly villeins and serfs to kick around.

8. Seriously, nobody knows anything.

Well, there you have it, fellow Scoffers. Thanks are due to the brave fici and rhodonendroi who made this exposé possible. Extra water rations all around...