Campaign to Change Names of Sports Teams Picks Up Steam

NBC and CNN, in a partnership designed to promote a climate of fear and apprehension among the American viewing population, announced today that their initial efforts to persuade sports team owners to change team names has met with unexpected levels of success.

Some examples of the changes, which affect all major sports leagues, are:

* Miami Dolph Lundgrens

* Washington Senators and Congressmen (new team)

* Philadelphia Phillies and Indianapolis Colts merge to produce Colts and Fillies (positively scandalous!)

* San Antonio Spores

* Chicago Carbs

* Buffalo Three-Dollar Bills

* Phoenix Sunspots

* Minnesota Vikings (no change--Vikings are already really scary)

* Baltimore Cravens

* Green Bay Hackers

* New York Gnats

* L.A. Draft Dodgers

* Pittsburgh Intellectual Property Piracy

* Cincinnati Red Menace

The Daily Scoffer will keep readers informed as new teams are added to the list.

In the meantime, whether you're watching sports on TV or attending a sporting event in person, the most important thing to remember is to be very afraid. It's your civic duty.