Washington, Lincoln Descendants Duke it out on Washington Mall

Descendants of America's first president, George Washington, and her sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln, gathered on the Mall in Washington today to celebrate the (approximate) birthdays of the two men widely regarded as this country's greatest chief executives.

But things turned sour when some elements on both sides began taunting one another; within minutes, a free-for-all fisticuff had broken out, sending women and children fleeing from the raucus fray.

As one eyewitness described it, "Well, I was just minding my own business, having some Lincoln pecan log and some Gettysburg gravy, when this Washington-descended clown starts aping on Abe, saying, 'Hey, is it Knob Creek, Illinois, or Knob Creek, Kentucky? Which is it, punk?' I thought he was acting outrageously, but I let it slide. However, more and more people started chiming in, and I finally had enough so I dumped my Gettysburg gravy all over the offending group. Well, I guess we could call that the 'Mrs. O'Leary's cow' of the situation. From there, things got pretty ugly pretty quickly. It was Hobbesian in there, I tell you."

Among the insults hurled back and forth were, "Washington wore tight britches", "Lincoln kept a flask in his stovepipe hat", "Mary Todd was a loony wench", "Martha Washington was a slave-driving hussy", and, "How hard is it to cross the Deleware if other people are doing all the rowing?".

Despite this outburst of hyper-attenuated family pride, The Daily Scoffer hopes that everyone will have a happy and non-partisan Presidents' Day.

(Ed. Note: Please join us on the Mall next month for the annual "Grant and Lee Descendants' Reunion", which is always a rip-roaring good time.)