I.F.B.R. Hopes for Recount

A spokesman for the international and Fraternal Brotherhood of Recounters reaffirmed the suspicions of the Daily Scoffer when he admitted after several cocktails that he and his organization are hoping for a hotly-contested election followed by a long and internationally embarrassing recount. "I know that it would be a severe blackeye for the American democratic process and would undermine U.S. credibility on the world stage but another recount would really help the wife and I be able to afford that trip the Lake Powell that we have had our eye on", said Mr. Mistally. Mr. Mistally went on the say that while the I.F.B.R. has had plenty of work for the past year recounting Iraqi weapons stockpiles, American Idol votes and Michael Jackson nose jobs, a presidential recount would be an enormous windfall for the organization. "I hate to take pleasure in the failure of others," lamented Mistally, "but I am really rooting against the I.F.B.I.C. (International and Fraternal Brotherhood of Initial Counters).

French Citizens Protest Outrageous Laundry Bill

The arrival of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat and his contingency in Paris on Wednesday has swiftly put an unforeseen strain on the French economy, as all of the delegation's headwear and clownishly fake army-fatigues must be laundered five times a day while facing Mecca, according to Middle Eastern custom. Parisian laundresses took to the streets this morning in the City of Lights, crying "Mangez-vous du merde, Arafat!" in a display of their unhappiness over the sudden quintupling of their already-heavy work load.

Palestinian officials declined to comment, but in a separate incident lifestyle-guru-at-large Steven Cojocaru called al-Jazeera headquarters to claim responsibility for Osama bin Laden's robe, which the Saudi exile debuted on his most recent videotape, released Friday. "The satin trim was muted but SMOLDERING," enthused Cojocaru, "and, oh, the beard was pillar-rific. Don't you dare change a thing, Sammy, you devil, except maybe your vituperous anti-Semitism."

Terrorists Training Camp Videos Useful to Pentagon

Sec'y of Defense Donald Rumsfeld held a press conference at the Pentagon early on Friday addressing certain terrorists videos that have been shown repeatedly on national news. The videos portray a picture of terrorists world-wide attending camps at undisclosed locations training to, well, reign terror to all western nations(that means you France). "It appears that these cretans are superb at negotiating monkey bars, excellent at running through tires that are tied together and most horrific of all, unbelievably agile on the six inch balance beam," Rumsfeld said at Friday's press conference. Being able to perform the aforementioned tasks, successfully, means sure apocoliptic destruction for all on those on the receiving end of this inhumanity. Rumsfeld later admitted, when questioned by the press, that our military had no way of defending the country against these tactics. "It looks like we must send our troops to elementary school playgrounds throughout the nation in order to better prepare ourselves to properly fight terrorism!"

Porcelain Company Goes Broke

Midlothian Porcelain, LLC, of Cranberry Hills, VT, went broke yesterday. Company officials announced that they would be sending their remaining wares to China.

In unrelated news, Weaver Fish Farms went belly-up, Trotsky-Tots Communist Playwear Corp. went into the red, Armored Vehicle Works tanked, and Silky Lady Brassieres, Inc., went bust.

Passion of the Christ #1 Halloween costume

Proving once again that nothing in our society is sacred and people will stop at nothing to exploit the death of God's Son, the best selling costume this season is that of Jesus, or as a new generation now knows him, that guy from "The Passion". The $9.95 ensemble comes complete with crown of thorns, cloak and fake blood and scar kit, all of which do not even come close to depicting the suffering that Christ felt on that fateful day. Other popular costumes this year include Buzz Lightyear, John Kerry and non-partisan media pundit.

Local News Station Accidentally Reports News

Local broadcasting station KHNL accidentally included some actual news in its 5 PM news program yesterday, a slip-up which resulted in the firing of the station's general manager, Curtis Willoughby. After several fictitious weather segments, a story about some elementary school kids making paper hats, and a ten-minute-long, in-depth look at whether or not the new fish-breading bucket was worth $19.95, producers suddenly cut to anchor Don Masterson explaining the intricacies of the latest upper-level Israeli-Palestinian summit currently underway in Geneva, Switzerland.

KHNL's switchboard was immediately flooded with calls from angry viewers demanding that the station return to its regularly scheduled fare of vacuous tripe. Masterson was forced to retract his statements at the beginning of the six o'clock broadcast, after which he finger-painted a giant picture of an elephant with co-anchor Lori Sweeney for almost twenty minutes.

Man Consumes Self

In a last-ditch effort to squeeze some sort of satisfaction and meaning out of a life spent consuming products, Steve Shreeve, 48, of Dover, Delaware, on Wednesday consumed himself. In a note (written on very expensive paper) that investigators found at the scene, Shreeve appeared to explain his actions: "I'm vapid, useless, and, in the end, radically determined by the things I buy and use. This is my attempt to be a man, or at least a human being. My only regret is that I won't see the peak of fall fashions this year."

Shreeve, who drove five cars to work in order to consume more gasoline, rubber, glass, and steel, apparently swallowed his own body beginning with his face and working down to his lower extremities. Ironically, the Prilosec OTC that he regularly consumed in order to counter the adverse effects of over-consuming food and drink may have prolonged Shreeve's horrific death. Shreeve's wife, Margot, told reporters that she planned to buy 11 "exorbitantly priced" coffins and hold 45 funerals for her departed husband. "Steve would have wanted it that way," she said. "He would have wanted those funerals--and so, so much more."

Budapest to Host Buddha-Fest

Budapest has been chosen to be the host of the annual Buddha-Fest in 2005, organization officials announced today. The Hungarian capital's central location and easy access to Milan, Italy's Noodle-Fest, to be held simultaneously, were key factors in the decision, the officials said.

Buddha-Fest is a celebration of the life and teachings of Siddhartha Gautama, the historical Buddha; it is also a chance for Buddhist leaders and scholars from around the world to meet and discuss the future of the predominantly-Asian religion. However, there are many activities planned that would appear to be more secular in nature. For example, one elderly woman with a particular fondness for her little dog told this reporter that she had waited in line for over nine hours just to have her poodle blessed. And the festivities will begin with a special live performance by two bands that have merged especially for the occasion: "Hoobastank" and "A Tribe Called Quest" have been practicing under the tentative moniker "Hooba-Quest" in preparation for their debut on the Budapest Buddha-Fest stage on opening night.

Despite reassurances from planners and coordinators, some residents of Budapest are expressing concern over the large crowds that the religious festival is expected to draw. One local woman was upset over the close proximity of a nudist colony, and felt that event organizers were being irresponsible in advertising that true believers and merry-makers alike were invited to attend "nude or dressed". Budapest police say they are looking into the matter, noting that several members of the force had already volunteered to stake out the nudist colony in anticipation of any mischief. And the International Association of Large Horn Players (IALHP) issued a statement today reiterating that tryouts for the Large Horn Ensemble would still take place in the concert hall immediately adjacent to the Buddha-Fest grounds; hopefuls were instructed to follow the signs reading "This Way to Tuba Test".

The Dalai Lama, who arrived at last year's event in Bangladesh to wild throngs shouting, "You Da Best, You Da Best!", said he was looking forward to both 2005's festival in Hungary, and also to 2006's event in the Caribbean. Because of large scale destruction caused by several powerful hurricanes this year, Buddha-Fest, 2006, will be moved from Cuba, East, to Cuba, West.

Tattoo Quickly Regretted

It didn't take long for Kristy Boosenbocker, 18, of Duluth, Minnesota, to regret her new tattoo. Within two hours of the original inking, Boosenbocker became aware of the faint but distinct pang of misgivings; and by the time she woke up the next morning, she was having full-blown second thoughts.

While continuing to defend her decision to her parents and friends, Boosenbocker privately reflected that she likely would not want a picture of a butterfly and rose on her lower back when she was older and ready to leave her foolish teenage years behind her. "What if it's visible through my wedding dress?!?", she gasped inwardly in horror. "What if I want to look respectable and presentable someday?"

Boosenbocker's parents, Reg and Milly Boosenbocker, were not very surprised by their daughter's latest stunt. "She's been maintaining a state of open rebellion for years," sighed Mr. Boosenbocker. "If she doesn't care what we think, as she always makes sure to remind us, why does she go out of her way to provoke our ire? It is most illogical." Mrs. Boosenbocker concurred, lamenting that, "our daughter has never been a good kid. But at least she had, until now, left her own body out of her shenanigans and tomfoolery."

Upon hearing that her parents were so confounded by her new body art, Kristy began to feel much better about the way her Saturday night ended up.

Medicine's Own Drunk

Researchers at Appalachian State University have found a possible solution to the flu vaccine shortage: moonshine.

Extensive testing on lab animals and college students has proven that the strong alcoholic content of “shine” literally eats away the flu virus.

Test subjects were injected with a live sample of the virus. They then were given a pint of homemade corn whiskey. Within minutes the virus had been eliminated from the blood stream, leaving the subjects healthy and piss drunk.

Healthcare professionals admit that this may provide the answer to many Americans who do not qualify for flu vaccination. A statement released by the Centers for Disease Control says: “Tests have shown that the alcoholic substance known as “moonshine” and “white lightning” is a viable substitute for the flu vaccine, which is in short supply. The CDC urges those who cannot receive a flu shot to drink at least two pints a week.”

The findings have received the endorsement of Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy, who has long believed in the benefits of heavy alcohol consumption.

Doctors do warn there are some possible side effects, such as vomiting, drowsiness, impaired judgment, and self-urination.

Binge Drinking a Problem at Electoral College

Binge drinking has become a problem at campuses across the U.S., and the Electoral College is no exception. Students at the Electoral College, who have class only once every four years, during which they do nothing but vote as they are told, are particularly susceptible to the temptations that the relative freedom of college life affords.

Administrators at the Electoral College, which has no sports teams and no extracurricular activities, are looking into ways to help students channel their energy into more positive outlets. A random survey of students from other universities around the nation revealed that most would welcome the chance to play the Electoral College in any competitive event. "They're soft," taunted one offensive lineman from the Nebraska football squad, "but they're protected by the Constitution, so what are you gonna do? I'd like to give 'em a few torts to review, if you catch my drift."

(This reporter did not, in fact, catch his drift.)

Ponce de Leon 'Only Joking'

Recently-unearthed documents from Ponce de Leon's semi-legendary quest for the fountain of youth offer a tantalizing glimpse into the mind of the great explorer.

"But goodness me, I was amidst several fetching lasses at a party in Lisboa, when the next thing I know I am spouting on at the mouth about going to the New World to search for a Fountain of Youth," one document, apparently written in de Leon's own hand, explains. "They were so impressed, and I had been drinking a not-inconsiderable amount--and I found that I could not shut myself up. Before I knew it, I had talked myself into such a hole that I had no choice but to outfit several ships and to mount an expedition to Florida in search of that completely fictitious, accursed fountain. I was only joking, I tell you. What a mess I have made of my life; me and my big mouth."

It is unknown if de Leon ever revealed his secret misgivings to the crew of men he led across the trackless Florida swamps and quagmires. In the end, de Leon died just like every mortal man.

Castro's Arm Now Matches Cuban Economy

Cuban dictator Fidel Castro's nasty spill left him with an arm just as broken as the economy of the Caribbean island over which he presides, his team of doctors revealed yesterday.

"Senor Castro's arm is in smithereens," Juan Miguel Ruiz y Velazquez, M.D., said through a translator, "in this, it is exactly like the Cuban economy, which is based partly on half-baked Marxo-Leninism, and partly on Latin American inefficiency. El Presidente is also such a mix, long live el Presidente."

Ranking Republicans in the U.S. Senate said that Castro's injury will not affect the long-standing sanctions on Cuba--except that cast plaster and long sticks for scratching hard-to-reach places will now be added to the list.

Scientists Perfect Neutrino Bomb

Scientists at Los Alamos laboratories in New Mexico today confirmed reports that they have perfected a powerless new neutrino bomb, hinting that they were, in fact, exploding neutrino bombs in several major U.S. cities even as the press conference at the laboratories was underway.

The neutrino is a particle so small that it may comfortably said to possess no mass. Neutrinos are so tiny, in fact, that they regularly stream freely through the entire Earth without coming into contact with even a single atom.

When asked to explain the possible uses of the neutrino bomb, one scientist smiled and said, "psych-ops, my friend...psych-ops."

Kerry, Wife to Host Costume Ball

{culled from The Daily Scoffer's Society Pages}


Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry and his spouse, former Republican trophy-wife Teresa Heinz-Kerry, will be hosting a costume ball this weekend in anticipation of Hallowe'en. The theme will be "Platforms of Kerry"; guests will be asked to dress as John Kerry dressed when he held one of many positions on any number of issues, ranging from the controversial to the mundane.

In addition to the usual Beltway crowd, the (Heinz-)Kerrys have invited plenty of godless, self-worshiping musicians and Hollywood notables. Some of those in attendance will dress to reflect their feelings on hot-button issues of this present presidential campaign. Many flaky, inconsequential, and freakishly Botoxed starlets will likely use recent headlines merely as a springboard for self-promotion, but a few A-list heavyweights plan to make hard-hitting statements at the costume ball.

Meryl Streep, for example, who was artificially inseminated with material collected from Osama bin Laden, plans to abort her fetus on stage especially for the event. "After thousands of years of male oppression, women are finally free to murder their own children," exclaimed Streep. "Girl Power!"

Susan Sarandon concurred. "We shouldn't be sending our soldiers out to the desert to kill terrorists and dictators," she offered, "we should be training them to perform abortions right here at home. D&C is the new Botox," she playfully confided.

Michael Moore, who was originally scheduled to whine for a full thirty minutes after Kerry's opening remarks, was, in the end, not invited to the upcoming bash. Sources indicate that the snub may have something to do with Moore's having sued Kerry after last year's to-do, when he (Moore) was, in his words, "maliciously engaged in a debate on the issues, without my having access to any editing techniques that would have made everyone else in the room look like stammering buffoons while I showed footage of myself grinning knowingly under my halo."

And in related news, Democratic strategists are keen to reiterate that Mr. and Mrs. (Heinz-)Kerry themselves, who, somewhat akin to the witches in Macbeth, share one solitary testicle, should in no event be mistaken for Herman Munster and the bride of Frankenstein. "Kerry is a vivacious, active man," one junior staffer pointed out, "and his wife, the lovely Teresa, looks nothing like the psychopathic spouse of a walking patchwork of corpse-parts."

As a special precaution in these dangerous times, no one who believes in anything will be allowed entrance to the ball. "We don't want some fanatic ruining our party," explained the chief of security for all of Kerry's events. "We will however, be passing out lovely condoms and needles to the first 200 kids--this is, after all, a family-first campaign."

Pirate to Dress Up as Self

While Hallowe'en is a perennial challenge in costume creativity for most of us, Cap'n Robert "Tanglebeard" Jones of the black ship S.S. Misbegotten looks forward to the holiday every year with great anticipation.

"Arrrgh, a bloomin' pirate I be," said Jones. "I be dressin' up as meself every day of the long year, and there be no person on the Seven Seas that dare contradict me for 't."

Jones says he will likely leave his parrot, Mr. Saltybeaks, at home for the evening, as he does not want to overdo it and cause his 'costume' to appear forced or contrived. "I love Mr. Saltybeaks, aye, I do, but his raw cacklin' and foul cursin' will likely adversely affect the amount o' loot I'm able to rake in from those folks givin' out tricks and treats on All Hallows' Eve," explained the captain.

"But this do I swear," he continued, "if one li'l tyke calls me 'Cap'n Crunch' again this year, they'll take a long, long nap at the bottom o' the deep blue sea."

Kerry Also Undecided

In keeping with the newest trend in election-year politics, John Kerry has announced that he, too, is an undecided voter. "That bandwagon was rolling," Kerry said, "and I wanted to hop right on it. Yeah, I'm okay, but Bush makes some good points and seems stronger on terror. I tucked tail and ran the last time I was in the Grim Reaper's vicinity, so I'm not quite sure how I'll hold up in the next encounter."

Kerry supporters admitted to having mixed feelings about the Massachusetts senator's latest position shift. "Bush wants to draft unborn children into sweat shops that manufacture Halliburton global warming suicide bombers in support of Zionist environmental destruction and exploitative immigrant labor designed to thwart stem-cell research and Hillary Clinton's bid for the presidency," steamed one likely Kerry voter. "Kerry was against all that, intermittently, but now it seems he's waffling. Well, I'll take waffles any day, especially when they come free from the government. Long live my union."

Bush campaign officials were unsurprised by what they described as "the latest stunt in a third-rate circus act". Karl Rove, who is the combined reincarnation of Niccolo Machiavelli, Thomas Hobbes, Carl Schmitt, Leo Strauss, and, remarkably, the still-living Henry Kissinger, dismissed Kerry's platform retooling as "not very sinister". "I give it one-half sickle, out of a possible ten," he sniffed contemptuously.

The Daily Scoffer made several calls to Kerry's campaign headquarters, but apparently they have moved.

Red Sox Fan Wants Soul Back

This morning as all of Boston recovers from the biggest night of celebration the city has seen since 1918 one lonely Sox fan still lies in bed sober and somber contemplating not who the beloved Bo Sox will be playing in the World Series but the eternal resting place of his very soul. "I didn't think it would actually happen," laments the now soulless Willy O'Toole. Willy remembers like it was just last week as he and his friends were watching game four from the Cask and Flagoon in downtown Boston and he offered his very soul to the dark lord Beelzebub in exchange for a Red Sox comeback and a pint of Yuengling. "I didn't think anything of the free beer I get hooked up at the Cask all the time," O'Toole remembers, "but when Johnny Damon hit that grand slam I knew it was curtains for the ol' soul. I mean come on Damon- demon, there is no way in hel--I mean heck for that to be a coincidence." O'Toole says that he has tried to sell his soul many times before but to no avail. "I tried to sell it in middle school for a Boone's Farm and again in high school for a chance to see Barb O'Malley naked," says O'Toole, "but I guess now I am actually damned to spend eternity in hell with the likes of Hitler, Timothy McVeigh, Bill Buckner and Calista Flockhart."
When reached for comment the prince of darkness opined that this has been a great year for reaping souls. "I have a ton of democrats trying to sell their souls for a Kerry victory but I don't think it is worth it," said Satan, "but this Red Sox thing was great. In addition to half of Boston I also got (Fox president) Rupert Murdoch's. And any day that you can reap that many souls and still piss off Steinbrenner is a good day at the office." In spite of Satan's upbeat attitude O'Toole wants his soul back. "I mean seeing the Sox win was awesome," says Willy,"but I would prefer to not go to hell so come on Devil, lets make a deal."

The Best Week Ever!

We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to take this time, or space rather, to congratulate ourselves on seven glorious days of writing stories for you, the beloved reader. As I sit back and reflect on our one week anniversary, I cannot help but think how amazing the ride has been. The ups, the downs, the tears of joy and sorrow, the countless laborious hours spent scribing down some of the finest articles posted anywhere on this crazy information super highway we like to call home. Just think, it all started with some vacuum tubes and a dream decades ago and look where it has taken us today. We'd like to think our grassroots story is the same, sans the tubes of course. So keep up the great work Scoffer Staff! Hasta manana.

MTV's 2008 Fall Line-up

The Daily Scoffer has obtained an exclusive look into the 2008 fall line-up for the ever popular and controversial Music Television. The following list of shows are slated to air beginning October of 2008:

Real World Fallujah: Back to Insurgency
Real World Compton: From da Chuch to da Palace
Real World Pyongyang: This Place is the Bomb
True Life: I'm Dick Trickle's Step-son
Made: I wanna be a Nascar Dad
Made: I wanna be a Substitute Teacher
Diary of "Hacksaw" Jim Dugan: Whhoooaaa!
Diary of the Other Guy from Wham: Why Can't Anyone Remember My Name

Stay tuned to the TDS for further possible shows!

Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear

[Being excerpts from a recent interview with NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw]

The Daily Scoffer: "Good evening, Mr. Brokaw, and thank y---"

Tom Brokaw: "BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA, BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA! This is NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw."

TDS: {clearing throat] "Right... Well, thank you very much for agreeing to speak with The Daily Scoffer, sir."

TB: "My pleasure, son. So, let's get right to it, shall we? Death, dying, destruction, fear. Ringworm, psoriasis, eczema, intestinal parasites. Al Qaeda, mercury poisoning, background radiation, spontaneous human combustion. Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden in your closet? Osama bin Laden under your bed? Osama bin Laden sidling up to you on the crowded subway, waiting to steal your innocence and joy?"

TDS: "I'm afraid I don't quite follow..."

TB: "Just keep that pen a-scratchin' and that tape a-rollin', son. You'll see what I mean. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Guns? Guns in your Campbell's soup? Guns pointed at you right now? Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? Radon. Hijacking of all flights at all times. Everything you have ever seen is a bomb. Election fraud. Disappearing ozone. The PLO. Tainted aspirin, tainted baby food, tainted aspirin for babies, tainted babies. Muslim hordes battering down the gates of Western civilization. Do you hear them? Unconfirmed reports indicate that many people do in fact hear them. Flu vaccine shortages. Helicopter footage of lines of people--why aren't you in line? There are, allegedly, only 5 vials of flu vaccine left in the entire universe. All those who don't receive this vaccine will die. SARS. Killer Rottweillers. Vioxx gone bad, possible Martha Stewart link. Prince Harry and Martha Stewart in steamy prison tryst. Tell-all book about every celebrity ever. Celebrate the people I show you on TV, son! Celebrate them!"

TDS: "I'll, um, maybe give it a try. Now, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about the upcoming presidential election, if you don't mind."

TB: "Not at all. Red. Blue. Undecided. Red? Why not blue? Blue? Why not red? Undecided? Why not stay that way? Madrid bombings. There is a bomb in your mother's pillow right at this very moment. If she votes incorrectly, she will die. Airport screeners are working for the terrorists. Kerry and Edwards. Bush and Cheney. Red Sox and Yankees. Astros and Cardinals. Asteroids. There are millions of asteroids in our solar system, and every single one of them is going to hit the Earth in five minutes. Do you have a soul? If so, why aren't you taking medication to get rid of that thing? It's unsightly. Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Are you ever shy? Are you ever sad? Do you ever feel lonely or tired? Do you ever cry? Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Antibiotics, antibacterial soap, Lysol, Swiffer Mops."

TDS: "Well, that's about all the time we have, I'm afraid. Thank you again for your willingness to share a few words with our readers."

TB: "And don't forget--Four Horsemen, heinous criminals and their crimes, crooked landlords, Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear!"

Looking Out to Sea

When undersea earthquakes suddenly and violently lift sections of the ocean floor and, subsequently, the miles-deep columns of water covering the area, massive, powerful, and fast-moving tidal waves, or tsunamis, are formed. Traveling across hundreds of miles of open ocean at high rates of speed, these tsunamis are a danger not only to all boats bobbing in their path, but also to any cities lying on the coastal plain within reach of the monstrous walls of water. As tsunamis approach shore and move into the shallows, they begin to 'trip' on the upsloping bottom and to tower up out of the surrounding sea. Much different than a normal ocean wave, tsunamis are massive barrels of churning white water and debris, studded with boulders, sharp reef shards, and the splintered wreckage of unlucky marine craft. The last tsunami to hit the Hawaiian islands came on May 23, 1960; much of downtown Hilo, on the Big Island, was washed out to sea by the 35-foot high mammoth wave that had travelled from South America at speeds in excess of five-hundred miles per hour.

Nevertheless, a recent informal survey conducted by this roving reporter turned up some surprising results: three out of four surfers at world-famous Waikiki Beach admit to feeling "ravenously stoked" by the prospect of riding such a civilization-ending tidal wave. Most of the crowd was undaunted by the possibility of being ground to a pulp in the roiling, sand-choked, angry surf, and one man with whom we spoke even wondered aloud at where he could "find one of those things around here."

Local Public Safety officials, who asked that they not be named, expressed dismay at the findings. Having spent millions of dollars on TV commercials warning people of the dangers of a tsunami, many of those interviewed feared that they had merely been inadvertently promoting the "gnarliness" of the tsunami and inciting local surfers to act rashly when the moment of utter destruction was imminent. "I mean, you show grainy 8-mm footage of half of a city being pulverized by a tidal wave, and it only inspires people to get out and ride the next one," lamented one official.

A certain surf shop has even begun selling twenty-eight foot long outrigger surfboards which they claim are specially designed for "tsunami taming". The proprietor reports that sales of the board have been brisk, and he thanks the local civil officials for their efforts on his behalf.

Mount St. Helen’s Visitor Violently Erupts

Roughly two weeks ago Mount St. Helens became a hotbed of volcanic activity after lying dormant for almost twenty years. Being the only active volcano in the continental United States, her recent level of activity has drawn tourists and volcano buffs alike by the carload. One such carload consisted of the Harrahan family driving all the way from Hoboken, New Jersey to Washington to view the bubbling, spewing display of volcanic splendor. The Harrahan family contains father Peter, mother Sandra, daughter Candice and son Jacob. Jacob, who is notorious for questioning the geographic whereabouts on family trips, was specifically instructed to “sit back, shut up, enjoy the ride or else!” by father Peter upon beginning the educational family vacation. Having spent the last two months trying to convince Pops Harrahan to spend the family vacation budget on “pimping their ride,” Jacob knew in the back of his mind that he had no intentions of following Peter’s wishes.
The route from Hoboken to the west coast would cover some of the most beautiful landscape the country had to offer; Jacob had every plan to utilize all 2500 miles of the journey. Somewhere around Council Bluffs, Iowa, the incessant “are we there yet?” cries coming from Jacob’s mouth began to severely irritate father Harrahan. Mr. Harrahan had been reading “10 Easy Steps To Tolerate Your Child,” but step 10 was used up way back in the Amish country of Pennsylvania. Jacob’s plan came to fruition when his father, once a calm man, violently erupted with anger on the last “are we there yet?” comment he could possibly handle. A passing motorist gave the following eyewitness account: “(Mr. Harrahan) stepped out of the car, which had been pulled over on the side of the interstate, and yanked (Jacob) out of the car. Amidst the process of yelling at his son, (Mr. Harrahan’s) face swelled with redness, his ears actually became tea kettle spouts that blew out hot steam, his hair caught on fire and his body lifted off the ground.” It should be noted that Mr. Harrahan is the first parent in the history of road trips to actually “turn this car around” before arriving at the vacation destination.

John Kerry is a Douche

Voters and political analysts alike are hotly arguing the outcome of Wednesday night’s presidential debates. Many say John Kerry, with his unrelenting wit and massive face-head combination, was the clear winner in the much ballyhooed primetime showdown. Still, others say that President Bush, with his catchy slogans and his uncanny ability to “dumb it down for the rest of us” drove an authentic Texas bar-b-que skewer into the senator’s election chances. But instead of listening to the “professional” journalists on CNN like Wolf and that other guy, we at the Daily Scoffer obtained solidified remarks straight from the horse’s mouth (by that we mean the president, not the other guy whose elongated face, well, you understand).
“John Kerry is a douche!” according to Jorge (pronounced GH-OR-GE) Watuzak-Busch, president of Sequatchie County’s “Diminutive Little Big Man’s Society.” “John Kerry’s campaign slogan should be “only drill the one’s that cough,”” remarked president Busch. “His politics are lacking and he doesn’t have the cool name. His name reminds me less of a commander-in-chief and more of a pre-pubescent 12-year-old girl.” Busch is facing harsh criticism from his leftist opponents in the D.L.B.M.S. for his outrageous comments after the debates. When reached for comment, Ross Perot, who was defeated by Busch in the race for president of the D.L.B.M.S., said, “Jesus, I have big ears.”

Git-r-done Guy Gets Graded on Grammar

“Blue Collar T.V.” standout Larry the Cable Guy is getting blasted by one outraged scholar for his “grammatical abortion of the English language.” Princeton English professor Trowell “Kong Dong” McDowell has publicly denounced the comedian, claiming he possesses “an over-abundance of delectable white-trashiness.” McDowell, a professor of languages at Princeton for two years and self-proclaimed “blue-baller”, whatever that means, claims he and “at least one if not two” of his colleagues have been “driven to tears” by what he refers to as the “hamburger helper” of late night comedy shows.
Defending his outlandish claims, McDowell offers the obvious linguistically treasonous phrase, “Git-r-done.” While many find this mildly amusing, McDowell pulls out his red pen and notes the grammatical treachery that abounds. “It certainly is not supposed to be communicated in such a manner,” educates McDowell. One should say, “Get her done,” if one chose to use this combination of words. “Of course, there is the less popular ‘Do her,’ if one were so inclined. McDowell also questioned the comedian’s misnomer. “I absolutely refuse to believe that he is, in fact, a real cable person,” says McDowell. “I even attempted to comment to Comcast about the matter. I had a meeting arranged with a Comcast associate from 8 a.m. to noon, but when noon came, I was told it would be between the hours of 1 and 6 p.m. When this didn’t happen, I simply gave up.”

Last-minute Maneuvers

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Senator John Kerry, in a rather desperate bid to counter the broad success of President George Bush's multi-continent alliance, has formed his own coalition--a "Coalition of the Chillin'". Sources say that Kerry has assembled several fly homies into a tentatively-named "Kizabinet" that will advise the Democratic presidential nominee on matters of pandering to the inconsequential youth and incarcerated contingent.

"I like to hear all viewpoints," remarked the Senator, "and then to go with the least appropriate one."

"Yeah, dude's supah chill," commented one Kizabinet mizember, who could not remember his own name. "If I was, you know, down wif dat votin' scene, I might, like, cast a mothertruckin' ballot or sumpin' fo' da main man, whasshisface."

By all indications, Democratic Party strategists were pleased with Kerry's latest move. Former Clinton press secretary Joe Lockhart said in a written statement released to the press this morning, "this heralds a new awakening by the Democrats to the plight of people who previously were willfully ignorant of the political process. By stooping to conquer, we have indeed stooped. Yes, our stooping is undeniably colossal. I defy the President to match Kerry's record on pandering and lowest-common-denominator gutter politics. It simply can't be done."

President Bush was busy running the country and so was unavailable for comment at the time of this report.


(--posted by Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus)

Beltway Rhapsody

Little Lady Albright
isn't she a peach--
called upon to moonlight
as a well-connected leech

promising to promise
that promises will keep
though once left out to moulder
by the Arkansian creep

"A penny for your thoughts", she says,
"A billion for your souls.
Let's take this war and rake it
over someone else's coals."

Little Lady Albright
suckling like a babe
at the swollen teat of cash
pouring from some poor bastard's grave


(--serendipitously found on a scrap of paper by roving reporter Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus)

Historical Currents Run Deep

The Second World War may have ended fifty-nine years ago, but vestiges of the old political landscape continue to manifest themselves in even the most seemingly innocuous places. Here in Hawai'i, a recent walk by this reporter along world-famous Waikiki Beach revealed a disturbing reality: citizens of Germany, Italy, and Japan, once locked into a villanous goose-step of evil and known collectively as the Axis Powers, seem to have surreptitiously preserved their unholy alliance even unto the present day. Alarmingly, the only people in the world who continue to condone the wearing of pink Speedo bathing suits by their male population are none other than the former Axis countries listed above. This new Axis of Speedo, as it is tentatively being called, is especially nefarious and sinister by dint of its seeming harmlessness. Bemused tourists and locals alike may gently mock their fellow sunbathers who unwittingly make themselves the objects of ridicule by donning nauseatingly-tight Speedo swimming trunks--but these most unmanly of men are, despite all appearances to the contrary, no fools. Yes, we laugh into our sleeves and deride them at our peril, for while we are thusly absorbed and distracted these be-Speedoed blackguards are most effectively giving their dark minions a veritable free run of the beaches we like to think of as far removed from the conflicts and dross of the mad, warring world. While we stare and gawk, other agents and hardened holdovers from World War Two furtively steal into our homes, our banks, our law enforcement bureaus, infiltrate the highest ranks of our security apparatus, and undermine the integrity of those layers of defense which generations of patriotic Americans have labored so tirelessly to construct.

This reporter may be forced, out of love of country, to countenance the battle in a most fearsome way; that is, this reporter may himself have no choice but to wiggle into a pink Speedo, affect an Italian accent, and eavesdrop on those dastardly ne'er-do-wells who steeled their hearts against freedom and democracy in 1945, and who apparently will not rest until every last shred of innocence is corrupted.

Let it never be said that Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus withers at the mention of danger. All ye who seek to count yourselves as men, take up this burden, slip on those offending trunks, and do your duty for your country.

President Bush Makes Campaign Stop at Tempe Middle School

The Associated Press reported late Tuesday night that President Bush will make a surprise stop along his campaign trail and visit Jefferson County Middle School located on the southern side of Tempe, Arizona. Aides closest to the Bush campaign have told the AP that the President plans on courting "the younger side" of Tempe in a last minute attempt to sway voters in the city that will host the third and final debate Wednesday night. The President will unveil a detailed agenda on how he plans to win the support of those in the middle school demographic. "Vending machines in all bathrooms, double the recess time, foot long hotdogs served every day and removal of the dress code" are just some of the proposals Bush will implement if re-elected. When asked what he thought of the plan, local school board member Jackson Hewitt was quoted as saying "this is the most ridiculously preposterous idea I have ever heard any human being create. I mean, the guy who invented the solar powered flashlight had more sense than this." Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry had only three words to respond to his opponent’s plan, "unconventional at best." When questioned about why he was soliciting support from a demographic that wasn’t even old enough to vote, Bush stated "I made a pledge in the last election to leave no child behind. This is my plan in action!"

Paper-Rock-Scissors to Decide Afghan Election

In a move that President Bush hearlded as "Democracy in action" the UN committee overseeing the election process in Afghanistan has approved a compromise election process that would allow the next president of the country to be decided by paper-rock-scissors in lieu of paper ballot. Due to the severe Afghan winters, extreme illiteracy among the population and general apathy towards government fueled by rampant opium use, traditional balloting was deemed impractical by the UN Joint Elections Managment Board. The solution to the impass came from an improbable source when the candidate from the Free Shepards Party, Kalid Mizuor, suggested that the 40 candidates be whittled down to one using the childrens game paper-rock-scissors (or paper-scissors-rock). Scheduled to be held Thursday, October 14 at an undisclosed location, the 40 candidates will stay locked in one room in a winner take all game of skill. Red smoke will be released when one candidiate remains. President Bush will call to congratulate the winner on Friday. President Chirac of France will call the winner on Saturday to make fun of Presidnet Bush.