Last-minute Maneuvers

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Senator John Kerry, in a rather desperate bid to counter the broad success of President George Bush's multi-continent alliance, has formed his own coalition--a "Coalition of the Chillin'". Sources say that Kerry has assembled several fly homies into a tentatively-named "Kizabinet" that will advise the Democratic presidential nominee on matters of pandering to the inconsequential youth and incarcerated contingent.

"I like to hear all viewpoints," remarked the Senator, "and then to go with the least appropriate one."

"Yeah, dude's supah chill," commented one Kizabinet mizember, who could not remember his own name. "If I was, you know, down wif dat votin' scene, I might, like, cast a mothertruckin' ballot or sumpin' fo' da main man, whasshisface."

By all indications, Democratic Party strategists were pleased with Kerry's latest move. Former Clinton press secretary Joe Lockhart said in a written statement released to the press this morning, "this heralds a new awakening by the Democrats to the plight of people who previously were willfully ignorant of the political process. By stooping to conquer, we have indeed stooped. Yes, our stooping is undeniably colossal. I defy the President to match Kerry's record on pandering and lowest-common-denominator gutter politics. It simply can't be done."

President Bush was busy running the country and so was unavailable for comment at the time of this report.


(--posted by Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus)