Man Consumes Self

In a last-ditch effort to squeeze some sort of satisfaction and meaning out of a life spent consuming products, Steve Shreeve, 48, of Dover, Delaware, on Wednesday consumed himself. In a note (written on very expensive paper) that investigators found at the scene, Shreeve appeared to explain his actions: "I'm vapid, useless, and, in the end, radically determined by the things I buy and use. This is my attempt to be a man, or at least a human being. My only regret is that I won't see the peak of fall fashions this year."

Shreeve, who drove five cars to work in order to consume more gasoline, rubber, glass, and steel, apparently swallowed his own body beginning with his face and working down to his lower extremities. Ironically, the Prilosec OTC that he regularly consumed in order to counter the adverse effects of over-consuming food and drink may have prolonged Shreeve's horrific death. Shreeve's wife, Margot, told reporters that she planned to buy 11 "exorbitantly priced" coffins and hold 45 funerals for her departed husband. "Steve would have wanted it that way," she said. "He would have wanted those funerals--and so, so much more."