Medicine's Own Drunk

Researchers at Appalachian State University have found a possible solution to the flu vaccine shortage: moonshine.

Extensive testing on lab animals and college students has proven that the strong alcoholic content of “shine” literally eats away the flu virus.

Test subjects were injected with a live sample of the virus. They then were given a pint of homemade corn whiskey. Within minutes the virus had been eliminated from the blood stream, leaving the subjects healthy and piss drunk.

Healthcare professionals admit that this may provide the answer to many Americans who do not qualify for flu vaccination. A statement released by the Centers for Disease Control says: “Tests have shown that the alcoholic substance known as “moonshine” and “white lightning” is a viable substitute for the flu vaccine, which is in short supply. The CDC urges those who cannot receive a flu shot to drink at least two pints a week.”

The findings have received the endorsement of Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy, who has long believed in the benefits of heavy alcohol consumption.

Doctors do warn there are some possible side effects, such as vomiting, drowsiness, impaired judgment, and self-urination.