Historical Currents Run Deep

The Second World War may have ended fifty-nine years ago, but vestiges of the old political landscape continue to manifest themselves in even the most seemingly innocuous places. Here in Hawai'i, a recent walk by this reporter along world-famous Waikiki Beach revealed a disturbing reality: citizens of Germany, Italy, and Japan, once locked into a villanous goose-step of evil and known collectively as the Axis Powers, seem to have surreptitiously preserved their unholy alliance even unto the present day. Alarmingly, the only people in the world who continue to condone the wearing of pink Speedo bathing suits by their male population are none other than the former Axis countries listed above. This new Axis of Speedo, as it is tentatively being called, is especially nefarious and sinister by dint of its seeming harmlessness. Bemused tourists and locals alike may gently mock their fellow sunbathers who unwittingly make themselves the objects of ridicule by donning nauseatingly-tight Speedo swimming trunks--but these most unmanly of men are, despite all appearances to the contrary, no fools. Yes, we laugh into our sleeves and deride them at our peril, for while we are thusly absorbed and distracted these be-Speedoed blackguards are most effectively giving their dark minions a veritable free run of the beaches we like to think of as far removed from the conflicts and dross of the mad, warring world. While we stare and gawk, other agents and hardened holdovers from World War Two furtively steal into our homes, our banks, our law enforcement bureaus, infiltrate the highest ranks of our security apparatus, and undermine the integrity of those layers of defense which generations of patriotic Americans have labored so tirelessly to construct.

This reporter may be forced, out of love of country, to countenance the battle in a most fearsome way; that is, this reporter may himself have no choice but to wiggle into a pink Speedo, affect an Italian accent, and eavesdrop on those dastardly ne'er-do-wells who steeled their hearts against freedom and democracy in 1945, and who apparently will not rest until every last shred of innocence is corrupted.

Let it never be said that Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus withers at the mention of danger. All ye who seek to count yourselves as men, take up this burden, slip on those offending trunks, and do your duty for your country.