Kerry Also Undecided

In keeping with the newest trend in election-year politics, John Kerry has announced that he, too, is an undecided voter. "That bandwagon was rolling," Kerry said, "and I wanted to hop right on it. Yeah, I'm okay, but Bush makes some good points and seems stronger on terror. I tucked tail and ran the last time I was in the Grim Reaper's vicinity, so I'm not quite sure how I'll hold up in the next encounter."

Kerry supporters admitted to having mixed feelings about the Massachusetts senator's latest position shift. "Bush wants to draft unborn children into sweat shops that manufacture Halliburton global warming suicide bombers in support of Zionist environmental destruction and exploitative immigrant labor designed to thwart stem-cell research and Hillary Clinton's bid for the presidency," steamed one likely Kerry voter. "Kerry was against all that, intermittently, but now it seems he's waffling. Well, I'll take waffles any day, especially when they come free from the government. Long live my union."

Bush campaign officials were unsurprised by what they described as "the latest stunt in a third-rate circus act". Karl Rove, who is the combined reincarnation of Niccolo Machiavelli, Thomas Hobbes, Carl Schmitt, Leo Strauss, and, remarkably, the still-living Henry Kissinger, dismissed Kerry's platform retooling as "not very sinister". "I give it one-half sickle, out of a possible ten," he sniffed contemptuously.

The Daily Scoffer made several calls to Kerry's campaign headquarters, but apparently they have moved.