Kerry, Wife to Host Costume Ball

{culled from The Daily Scoffer's Society Pages}


Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry and his spouse, former Republican trophy-wife Teresa Heinz-Kerry, will be hosting a costume ball this weekend in anticipation of Hallowe'en. The theme will be "Platforms of Kerry"; guests will be asked to dress as John Kerry dressed when he held one of many positions on any number of issues, ranging from the controversial to the mundane.

In addition to the usual Beltway crowd, the (Heinz-)Kerrys have invited plenty of godless, self-worshiping musicians and Hollywood notables. Some of those in attendance will dress to reflect their feelings on hot-button issues of this present presidential campaign. Many flaky, inconsequential, and freakishly Botoxed starlets will likely use recent headlines merely as a springboard for self-promotion, but a few A-list heavyweights plan to make hard-hitting statements at the costume ball.

Meryl Streep, for example, who was artificially inseminated with material collected from Osama bin Laden, plans to abort her fetus on stage especially for the event. "After thousands of years of male oppression, women are finally free to murder their own children," exclaimed Streep. "Girl Power!"

Susan Sarandon concurred. "We shouldn't be sending our soldiers out to the desert to kill terrorists and dictators," she offered, "we should be training them to perform abortions right here at home. D&C is the new Botox," she playfully confided.

Michael Moore, who was originally scheduled to whine for a full thirty minutes after Kerry's opening remarks, was, in the end, not invited to the upcoming bash. Sources indicate that the snub may have something to do with Moore's having sued Kerry after last year's to-do, when he (Moore) was, in his words, "maliciously engaged in a debate on the issues, without my having access to any editing techniques that would have made everyone else in the room look like stammering buffoons while I showed footage of myself grinning knowingly under my halo."

And in related news, Democratic strategists are keen to reiterate that Mr. and Mrs. (Heinz-)Kerry themselves, who, somewhat akin to the witches in Macbeth, share one solitary testicle, should in no event be mistaken for Herman Munster and the bride of Frankenstein. "Kerry is a vivacious, active man," one junior staffer pointed out, "and his wife, the lovely Teresa, looks nothing like the psychopathic spouse of a walking patchwork of corpse-parts."

As a special precaution in these dangerous times, no one who believes in anything will be allowed entrance to the ball. "We don't want some fanatic ruining our party," explained the chief of security for all of Kerry's events. "We will however, be passing out lovely condoms and needles to the first 200 kids--this is, after all, a family-first campaign."