Iraqi Elections Signify Start of Jacko Trial

It was very clear by the vibrant smiles on the faces of the millions of Iraqis waiting in line on Sunday. Men, women and children alike were raising their arms in the air with extreme jubilation. Purple fingers extended in a 'number one' form littered the streets of downtown Baghdad. In case you have been living under a reality show for the past few months and are not aware of the cause of this excitement, listen up my friends...the trial of the century has just begun! "We would like to remind the world of the significance of this day," Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi proclaimed, "today marks the beginning of the greatest trial to ever grace the pages of history. Oh yeah, yada-yada-yada Iraq held it's very first ever democratic elections blah-blah-blah formerly oppressed people now get chance to vote without getting murdered, but who cares about that, Jacko must go free!" Germany, france, UN Secretary Kofi Annan and the news media alike all agreed with the Iraqi PM Allawi on the historical relevance of yesterday's news. "Let's all quickly forget the elections and focus on what really counts, good ole celebrity gossip," PM chirac told CNN's Judy Woodruff. Michael Jackson recorded a video message to all US troops stationed in Iraq and thanked them for their help in kicking off his judiciary proceedings. To watch this video clip just visit www.itstoolatetheresnothingyoucandoweareallgoingtohell.com As always stay tuned for more information on the MJ proceedings.

Creflo Dollar Finishes World Tour; Regrets Last Name

For the past two weeks our Senior International Affairs Correspondent Mary Lou Moxsley has been traveling with famed American television evangelist Creflo Dollar. Mr. Dollar is the lead pastor of World Changers Church International. Shortly after the recent tsunami disaster, Mr. Dollar assembled a team of his most dedicated and loyal followers to make an 'around the world' trip to raise funds to benefit the natural disasters' victims. Ms. Moxsley, who was invited to join the journey by the Dollar Team, realized that the primary purpose of the trip took second stage to a much bigger problem. "There was an little-known international treaty signed by 97 countries back in 1998 that stated if your last name is also a national currency then you must legally change your name to the new currency of the country you are visiting," Ms. Moxsley reported after she returned from her venture. Team Dollar was completely blind-sided by this policy, especially after learning the currency names of the countries they would be visiting. United Kingdom, Germany, Estonia, Iraq, Afghanistan, India and Japan were just a few of the countries visited during the two-week trip. "You know, I could handle Creflo Pound and Creflo Yen. Creflo Rupee and Creflo Afghani kinda pissed me off. But come on, Creflo Dinar? Creflo Deutsche Mark? And for the love of God, Creflo Krooni?!? Absolutely and utterly ridiculous," Mr. Dollar told our reporter. Ms. Moxsley informed TDS that upon arrival back home, Creflo changed his last name from 'Dollar' to 'Hobolochitto' in order to avoid future embarrassment.

Updated 'No Fly' List

In a "I'm going out guns-a-blazin" move, soon to be departed Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge released a 'No Fly' List that extends beyond suspected terrorists and includes some new items that no longer will be allowed onto an airplane. The list is as follows:

1. Harry Belafonte CD's (tapes are acceptable)
2. Chester Karass Negotiating Technique Books
3. Black, rectangular suitcases with a sliding handle and wheels(sorry 99.7% of passengers)
4. Passengers who sit next to the window but put their belongings in the middle seat in hopes of having an open seat during the flight
5. BLACK, DRESS SOCKS
6. oh yeah, uh no guns-a-blazin, either

Stay tuned to the Scoffer for future details on this story.

Extra 'E' Costs Man Bundle [a recently-rediscovered, heretofore-presumed-irrevocably-lost post]

Pablo Huffenbloogen was forced to shell out much more for his date last night with Mindy McSwirlee than he had originally planned, sources close to Huffenbloogen tell The Daily Scoffer.

"I thought Mindy said she wanted to go shopping," Huffenbloogen allegedly confided in his friend Chad Congobongo, with whom TDS later spoke. "But when we got to the place, I saw that I was actually in for an afternoon of shoppe-ing. It was atrocious. I think at one point I was in a shoppe that sold nothing but hair barettes and foot cream. How did I sink so low?"

But the nightmare did not end there, Congobongo related to TDS with considerable delight. Congobongo claims that Huffenbloogen went on to say that, "after shoppe-ing we went to dinner at a place on the waterfront. I'd heard about the restaurant from a guy at work--he said it was a nice bar and grill. Imagine my horror, then, when I saw that I had been duped into going to a bar and grille. That extra 'e' set me back about two-hundred bucks more than a good old American bar and grill would have. And to top it all off, there was a band playing. They called themselves 'Rumours'. Is there any band playing at any bar and grille anywhere that doesn't call themselves 'Rumours'? Two extra 'e's and one extra 'u', and now I've got a big hole in my savings account and a woman hanging all over me because she thinks I intended to 'e' and 'u' her. Oh, this is not goode, I can tell you that right now."

(Rumours will be performing live every night this week at Ye Olde Catalina Bar and Grille, which is located next to The Strip Malle at Oakcreste, just off of Prepackaged Nostalgia Drive. Suzie's Scoozies and Cream Shoppe (right next door to The Mane Event Styling Salon) will run a buy-one-get-one-free special for the duration of Rumours' sojourn at Ye Olde Catalina.)

Nixon's Paranoia Now Seen to have been Cutting Edge

Recently released documents reveal that Richard Nixon eerily presaged today's shameless fear mongering by several decades.

"Unless governments take basic precautions, we will continue to stand at the edge of an awful abyss," said Nixon-era bureaucrat Robert Kupperman in a report given to the president some thirty years ago. Nixon was said to have trusted Kupperman, who, as chief scientist for the Arms Control and Disarmament Agency, couldn't possibly have had a vested interest in perpetuating a state of low-level panic in order, say, to avoid rendering his own position obsolete and thus putting himself out of a job.

In Nixon's dark imaginings, egged on by the likes of Kupperman and then-National Security Adviser Henry Kissinger, terrorists used airplanes as guided missiles and took entire elementary schools hostage in a "world gone mad", according to just one of the thousands of tapes Nixon secretly made of proceedings in the Oval Office. "Why, they might even still be releasing Barbara Streisand albums in thirty years, who knows... I wouldn't put anything past those Commie Ruskies."

The Fraternal Order of Fearmongerers and Hysteria Inducers quickly reacted to today's news by recognizing Nixon's long-underrecognized contributions to the field, adding in a written statement released to the press that "this latest revelation will probably cause horrific diseases in most of the population, but none of that will really matter since al Qaeda is now within three days of detonating an Earth-destroying bomb. The only defense is to buy more weapons. Please make checks payable to 'R. Kupperman.' That is all, thank you. No, we mean it, that is all forever."

Homesick Muslims Throw Rocks at Things

Muslims from around the world gathered in Mecca this week for the annual hajj, or pilgrimage, one of the Five Pillars of the Muslim Faith and a sacred obligation for all who can afford to make the journey. Yesterday's highlight was the throwing of rocks at a larger stone, an act symbolic of denouncing the Devil and all of his works.

For many, though, the rock-throwing made them acutely homesick and led to other activities that might help recreate a hometown atmosphere in a foreign land. After the day's rituals were over, a throng of believers flocked to the carnival grounds adjacent to the holy sites for a bit of relaxation and amusement. Popular booths at the carnival were Throwing Rocks at Adulteresses, Throwing Rocks at Infidels, Throwing Rocks at Citizens of Western Nations Trying to Help You, Guess Your Turban's Weight, Khangar Swallowers: Off-Off-Broadway, and Blame A Personal Problem on the Jews.

"This has been the best hajj ever," said Yusuf al-Marqoot, a Yemeni national on his fourth pilgrimage to Mecca. "Back home, I am a dealer in rocks for throwing. So, I'm taking notes and hoping to implement some innovations into my business when I return."

al-Marqoot said he was bringing home a few souvenirs for his family; some Iranian dates for his daughters, and for his wife a burqa that read: "My Husband Performed the Hajj, and All I Got Was this Lousy Burqa".

Rehnquist Shows off his 'Supreme Full-Court Press'

Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who administered the oath of office to incumbent president George W. Bush this morning, dazzled the crowd with a pre-inauguration display of his new 'Supreme Full-Court Press' maneuver; Rehnquist and fellow justices Ruth Bader-Ginsburg and Clarence Thomas overpowered various foreign dignitaries on a basketball court set up just in front of the main inauguration podium. Among those 'diz-ominated' by Rehnquist et al. were Chinese President Hu Jintao, Mexican President Vicente Fox, and Flemish Undersecretary of Interior Design Jan von Vongreese.

"We never saw that coming," admitted an exhausted Fox. "I didn't think the justices could handle our pick-and-roll, but we were just torn apart by them. Hu kept trying to post up, but I couldn't get anything by Rehnquist. He was on fire."

Later, a winded but glowing Rehnquist (also known affectionately as 'Dr. J' (Doctor Jurisprudence)) told the assembled onlookers that they could look forward to "a scintillating array of torts for all occasions" at the next inauguration in 2009.

Bush Employs Actual Augurs at Inauguration

Taking the term 'Republican' back to its root meanings, newly-elected president George W. Bush today surprised the crowd that had gathered to witness his inauguration by including actual augurs, auspicors, and hecatomb necromancers in the ceremonies.

After swearing an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution, President Bush then invited several toga-clad, bearded old men to the platform and had them read omens from cloud patterns, tea leaves, and cast shards of bone; later, one soothsayer learnéd in auspicy examined the flight patterns of wild birds overhead, while a veritable phalanx of hoplites sacrificed a hecatomb to gray-templed Zeus and examined the guts of the slain animals. Most signs were favorable, said the soothsayers in Greek and Latin through a translator, although one predicted that the Dow would fall a few points in the first quarter as Iraq election jitters played out in the financial markets. But, the man added, the second half of the fiscal year would be considerably more robust, Hermes willing.

After the spectacle was completed, President Bush vowed to cross the Rubicon at some point in the next four years; at this, great Caesar's ghost cackled menacingly from under the bleachers, but was quickly shooed away by the necromancers, who said they'd "had enough of that old fool in their two-thousand plus years in the divination business."

Later, Maya Angelou read some horrendously sappy poem filled with canned optimism and stock inspirational phrases, which the augurs predicted would not sell more than ten thousand copies nationwide.

Condi Confirmed!

Today the Senate foreign relations committee voted to confirm Condolezza Rice as secretary of state, and I am sure that her parents are very proud. While we hate to overshadow Condi on her big day The Daily Scoffer has some things that we would like to confirm as well.

Things that TDS can confirm:

-Your worst fears.
-Tang is the best powdered drink ever.
-Everyone is working for the weekend.
-A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. (With the exception of birds with bird flu, then two in the bush is better)
-Trix are for kids.
-Papa smurf is asexual.
-Black is the new pink.
-Anything from the Franklin Mint is a great investment.

Count on TDS to bring you any more late breaking confirmations.

Bush Spends Record .14 Tsunami's On 55th Inaugural Ceremony

In spite of the nightly prayers by John Kerry, newly re-elected President Bush will be inaugurated in a very fancy, very expensive ceremony over the next four days. White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan announced late Monday night that the whole process will likely exceed 50 million dollars, or precisely .14 tsunami's. The 55th Inauguration is slated to become the most expensive in history, far more than the 6,580 dollars it cost to inaugurate William Henry Harrison back in 1841(probably should have spent more considering he died less than a month later). Far away from the hoop-la will be a rather quiet protest that will take place in southern France. Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarrandon, Michael Moore and Bruce Springstein will accompany President Jacques Chirac in the first civilian ride on the new Airbus 380. Chirac's spokesman said the party will fly over France and discuss how much they collectively don't like President Bush. Bush has arranged to send a surprise gift to the celebrating group that will not be unveiled until after the flight takes off. We don't want to ruin the surprise, but lets say it may or may not be a really big cake with a certain Richard Reid creamy center. Bon Voyage!

Mad Max not so Mad anymore

Mad Max, who made a career in the early nineteen-eighties out of his reputation for madness, has mellowed out. In an exclusive sit-down interview with Diane Sawyer, Max tells the world how things have changed for him since he walked away from the Thunderdrome back in nineteen eighty-five.

"Well, first of all, I don't go by 'Mad Max' anymore," Max told Sawyer. "I changed my name to 'Happy, Contented, and Getting Better Every Day Max'. But most folks just call me 'Happy Max'. Anyway, after years of anger-management counseling and deep-digging psychotherapy, I've come to find that I'm really a pretty laid-back guy, underneath that tough, leathery exterior that I used to have. I mean, what was I so mad about? It was just a little gasoline. And all of that 'two men enter, one man leave' business--why, it's just silly. It's not even gramatically accurate. Has anyone in the Thunderdrome ever heard of subject-verb agreement? But, that's water under the bridge. I'm a new man now. 'Happy Max', that's me. And, man, do I ever bore the sweet fancy tarnation out of myself."

Celebrities Bravely Reassert Their Celebrity

Celebrities took time off from their busy schedules of going to health spas and giving themselves awards, and came together in order to reaffirm their celebrity in the face of the tsunami disaster in south Asia. The self-congratulation and pious posturing for the little people was aired on NBC, and was thinly but tastefully veiled as a relief effort for the hundreds of thousands of victims who probably have never even attended a movie or purchased a celebrity-endorsed product.

Television critics seemed to agree that actress Annette Benning best summed up the spirit of the evening when she said, "We want to assure everyone watching tonight that, no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, everything is always--even pathologically--all about us. And by us, I mean me."

Flood victim Khalim Ravindri of Sri Lanka, when asked what he thought of the outpouring of solipsism from the Americans, replied, "Well, maybe if they spent less time on self-promotion, stuffing their coffers while rending the very fabric of decent society, they might have noticed that things over here weren't going so well even before the big waves came. But, in the end, all I and my villagers have to say is 'Thank goodness that Natalie Portman is ok. That is what really matters.' "

Portman later told reporters that she agreed with the poor wretch, and wished him a speedy recovery so that he could be well in time to catch her next movie.

Don King Out For Justice

In a brilliant ploy to shed his image as a greedy extortionist Don King filed a $2.5 billion defamation lawsuit against ESPN last Wednesday. ESPN, which is the most widely proliferated acronym ever with only 1 person who knows what it stands for, called the fair haired Don a "huckster" and a "snake oil salesman" in a recent SportsCentury biography piece about the boxing promoter. King, who is an idiot, says that these allegations are "underridgable" and "quapondorous" and says that he is "out to get justice". His lawyer, Willie Gary, said that he is out to get 40% of $2.5 billion. The staff of the Daily Scoffer has done some digging and we have found evidence that ESPN's allegations are valid. A 1944 photo of King with his teammates when he played AA ball for the Des Moines Hucks proves that he was once indeed a Hustkster, and a 1987 W-2 that we have acquired shows that King worked for three months for the Little River Snake Oil Company as Vice President of Sales, Atlantic-Pacific region. Speaking for ESPN in response to Mr. King's lawsuit Chris Berman had this to say: "Back-backbackbackbackback....Don King is a moron!".

Indonesian Government Getting Tired of all of this 'Helping'

Indonesian Vice-President Yusuf Kalla today announced that as of March 31st of this year all foreign troops participating in relief efforts would be asked to leave Indonesia.

"We've had just about enough of all of this helping," said Kalla through an interpreter at a press conference held yesterday at the Indonesian capitol building in Jakarta. "I have made my decision; it is the will of Allah that hundreds of thousands of innocent people should needlessly suffer and die. We will not tolerate any Americans, British, Australians, or other Western Christian imperialists lending a hand in bringing supplies to families left destitute after the December 26th earthquake and tsunami. Their assistance is not welcome here."

Kalla then produced a small razor from his coat pocket and cut off his nose to spite his face.

In other news, Saudi-based television network al-Jazeerah immediately began preparing a story on the callousness of the Westerners in leaving Indonesia so soon after the disaster.

Democrats Draft "No to Everything" Legislation

Leading House Democrats will today send to the Senate H.R. 1456, a bill mandating that the answer to every question asked in the United States shall be "no".

The left-of-the-aisle lawmakers worked for months on the bill in five key subcommittees (the Committee of Never, the Committee of Can't, the Committee of Shouldn't, the Committee of Let's Just Call it Quits, and the Committee of We Can Still Spend Tax Money Even if We Don't), finally agreeing on what some historians say is the most simply-worded bill ever to be introduced in Congress--the bill reads, "No to Everything."

The Democratic Party was unmistakably proud of the accomplishment, saying through a spokeswoman that it had cost more money just to buy the doughnuts for the committee meetings than it has to liberate a certain Middle Eastern country whose name may or may not rhyme with "Chirac".

Tony Danza Issuing Entirely Too Many Press Releases

"Who's the Boss?" star Tony Danza has been issuing entirely too many press releases lately, sources within the entertainment industry tell The Daily Scoffer.

For example, after a tsunami devastated much of southeast Asia two weeks ago Danza convened a press conference in which he offered his best wishes to the tsunami survivors. Later that same day, Danza called another press conference to comment upon the state of the New York Stock Exchange, which had declined sharply after reports of the destruction in the Indian Ocean region began to affect world financial markets. And just two days ago Danza issued a press release wishing all parties in the Randy Johnson-to-the-Yankees baseball trade a good and prosperous season ahead.

By all accounts, Danza has been---wait, what's this?---It seems that The Daily Scoffer has just received a press release from Tony Danza; it reads, "I wish to respond to the malicious rumors that I have been issuing too many press releases. I have never issued press releases unless the clamor for a word, for just one word, from Tony Danza has overwhelmed my innate reticence and shyness. I would appreciate it if the press would respect my privacy, and the privacy of my family. By the way, my little girl is about to lose her left incisor tooth. When she does, I will let the world know about it. But not one minute before."

The Daily Scoffer will probably not keep you posted on further developments in the Tony Danza story.

Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear

[Being excerpts from a recent interview with CBS Nightly News anchor Dan Rather]

The Daily Scoffer: "Good evening, Mr. Rather, and thank y---"

Dan Rather: "BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA, BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA! This is CBS Nightly News with Dan Rather."

TDS: {clearing throat] "Right... Well, thank you very much for agreeing to speak with The Daily Scoffer, sir."

DR: "My pleasure, son. So, let's get right to it, shall we? Death, dying, destruction, fear. Ringworm, psoriasis, eczema, intestinal parasites. Al Qaeda, mercury poisoning, background radiation, spontaneous human combustion. Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden in your closet? Osama bin Laden under your bed? Osama bin Laden sidling up to you on the crowded subway, waiting to steal your innocence and joy?"

TDS: "I'm afraid I don't quite follow..."

DR: "Just keep that pen a-scratchin' and that tape a-rollin', son. You'll see what I mean. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Guns? Guns in your Campbell's soup? Guns pointed at you right now? Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? Radon. Hijacking of all flights at all times. Everything you have ever seen is a bomb. Mudslides. Disappearing ozone. The PLO. Tainted aspirin, tainted baby food, tainted aspirin for babies, tainted babies. Muslim hordes battering down the gates of Western civilization. Do you hear them? Unconfirmed reports indicate that many people do in fact hear them. Flu vaccine shortages. Helicopter footage of lines of people--why aren't you in line? There are, allegedly, only 5 vials of flu vaccine left in the entire universe. All those who don't receive this vaccine will die. SARS. Killer Rottweillers. Vioxx gone bad, possible Martha Stewart link. Prince Harry and Martha Stewart in steamy prison tryst. Tell-all book about every celebrity ever. Celebrate the people I show you on TV, son! Celebrate them!"

TDS: "I'll, um, maybe give it a try. Now, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about the recent presidential election, if you don't mind."

DR: "Not at all. Red. Blue. Undecided. Red? Why not blue? Blue? Why not red? Undecided? Why not stay that way? Madrid bombings. There is a bomb in your mother's pillow right at this very moment. Airport screeners are working for the terrorists. Kerry and Edwards. Bush and Cheney. Red Sox and Yankees. Pistons and Pacers. Asteroids. There are millions of asteroids in our solar system, and every single one of them is going to hit the Earth in five minutes. Do you have a soul? If so, why aren't you taking medication to get rid of that thing? It's unsightly. Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Are you ever shy? Are you ever sad? Do you ever feel lonely or tired? Do you ever cry? Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Antibiotics, antibacterial soap, Lysol, Swiffer Mops."

TDS: "Well, that's about all the time we have, I'm afraid. Thank you again for your willingness to share a few words with our readers."

DR: "And don't forget--Four Horsemen, heinous criminals and their crimes, tsunamis,crooked landlords, the French, Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear!"

Radio Pundit Involved In Yet Another Bribery Scandal

Long-time radio talk show host and political commentator Armstrong Williams has unfortunately found himself in the midst of yet another controversy directly on the heels of his latest scandal. Although CNN claims responsibility, TDS was the first reputable news source to address Mr. Williams' alleged deal between his pocket and our Presidential Administration. Mr. Williams readily admits that he accepted 240,000 wampam in exchange for his support of the Bush Administration's Educational Agenda. After a few heated exchanges Lou Dobbs' "Used To Be Moneyline But Now Tonight" and Wolf Blitzer's "Hard-Hitting, No Time For Answers, 45 Degree Angled Toward the Camera With a Pen in My Mouth" show, Mr. Williams' reluctantly admitted wrongdoing and vowed to not participate in any such activity again. Well, well Mr. Williams, what do we have here. TDS will once again be the first to inform you that Mr. Williams is involved yet again with scandal, this time involving Orecks new 8 pound Vacuum Cleaner. "The son-of-a-gun only weighs 8 pounds, and it can pick up a bowling ball," Mr. Williams said late last night on his syndicated talk show. Attempting to stay within the ethical playing field, Mr. Williams refused monetary payment but did accept numerous 'Jelly of the Month' Club offers. Shame on you Mr. Williams, shame on YOU!

Scientology Scores a Black Guy

Even though it proclaims a doctrine of open arms to all rich celebrities and social butterflies the church of Scientology has long been whiter than the Republican party. This all changed last night with the welcome addition of b-list actor Don Cheadle to the church rolls. Reports from Scoffer sources report that famed Scientologist Tom Cruise has been preaching the good word to Cheadle for some time, telling the actor that the benefits of this ancient order (founded in 1955) can change one's life forever. "I am too promiscuous to be Catholic, too black to be Jewish and to passive to be Islamic," Cheadle said, "a young religion with only a few established stereotypes seemed to be a good fit." Another famed Scientologist, John Travolta, told TDS that he believes that the addition of a minority to "the order" adds real "street cred" and will encourage "my homies" such as Will Smith and Gary Coleman to feel welcome in the religion. Cruise said while Cheadle's motivations to convert to Scientology seemed pure, he privately wonders if Cheadle is just joining to see Jenna Elfman in the traditional "Thong of Science".

Mahmoud Abbas Receives Dozens of Congratulatory 'Rifle-Grams'

Newly-elected Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas was the recipient of dozens of celebratory 'rifle-grams' from a jubilant electorate over the weekend.

A rifle-gram is akin to a candy-gram or a get-well-gram, except in Palestine the employee of the rifle-gram company comes to your door, ululates deafeningly, and fires a predetermined number of semi-automatic rifle rounds into the air.

Rifle-grams are not only for political events; idiots trained in the art of filling the air with whizzing bullets are available for graduations, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (admittedly rare in Palestine), weddings, and children's birthday parties. If anyone is struck and killed by the hail of metal, your next rifle-gram is fifty-percent off (gratuity not included).

John Edwards Accidentally Sues own Pants off

Former Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards was briefly embarrassed yesterday when, in the middle of a meeting, he mis-aimed his magical 'Elegant Litigator' edition Cross fountain pen and accidentally sued his own pants right off.

"There I was, showing the world my bony white knees all of a sudden. It was humiliating. I've suffered emotional damage that only a figure in the 1.5 million dollar range can heal", said Edwards.

Of course, Edwards immediately sued the owner of the building for failing to install magical anti-'Elegant Litigator' edition Cross fountain pen force field generators in every room of the structure. The parties settled out of court; on the way to the arbitration, the Edwards family stopped at a carwash for the thrill of watching several former neurosurgeons whom John Edwards had sued out of business wax the Edwards' brand new sportscar.

"Doctors--they're what's really wrong with this country", Edwards was overheard to have muttered to himself.

International Bureau of Weights and Measures Defines 'Biblical Proportions'

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures (Bureau International des Poids et Mesures) yesterday issued guidelines setting forth the exact dimensions of 'biblical proportions', a phrase much bandied about recently as Mother Nature has made her power felt all across the globe.

Jean-Paul Remiere, a scientist with the Bureau, summed up the guidelines thusly: "We have a standard King James bible, quarto page edition, which measures 12 centimeters in length, 8 centimeters in breadth, and 3.5 centimeters in thickness--thus, anything other than these dimensions cannot, I repeat, cannot be said to be of 'biblical proportions'. Maybe try something bigger, like 'road atlas proportions', or 'artsy coffee table photography book proportions'."

Scoffer Passes 1,000 Hits; Scoffer Staff Treated for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

We at The Daily Scoffer are proud to announce that we have recently surpassed the one-thousand hit milestone. We look forward to taking one thousand more hits, right in the ol' breadbox.

In unrelated news, Scoffer staff have been undergoing treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome, which is caused when repetitive motions place strain upon the tendons of the carpal tunnel, or the assembly of bones, ligaments and tendons in the area of the wrist.

"You boys haven't been clicking on your own site over and over again to make it look like you have a lot of readers, have you?" asked one doctor whom Scoffer writers consulted for treatment.

"No sir. No sirreebob, doc. Wouldn't be prudent, not at this juncture. Say, there, do you have any perjury remover lying around? If so, I'll take five bottles. Great. And here's a fiver for your trouble. Thanks, doc. Say, how'd you like to be immortalized in print? Wouldn't like it, you say? Well, we'll take that as a yes. So here's to you, doc. I'd shake your hand, but..."

Palestinians Elect Flavor Flav New Prime Minister

Well, the Palestinian people have finally spoken and the rest of the world is curiously listening. It was expected that the people of Palestine would elect Mahmoud Abbas, former cabinet member under Yassar Arafat, but in a surprise and shocking turn of events Flavor Flav was elected Prime Minister of the state of Palestine. Mr. Flav is best known for his hard-hitting, barely audible jams while a member of the late 80s, early 90s rap group Public Enemy. More recently, Flavor appeared on the hit reality show "Surreal Life" which airs weekly on VH1. When asked reached for comment, Mr. Flav told Fox News' Shepard Smith, "I gots all ya'll, boyeeee!" It is still unclear how Mr. Flav managed to legally get his name on the January ballot, or better yet, why in the name of sweet Allah did the oppressed people of Mesopotamia actually vote a C-list American celebrity into office. When asked what he thought of the recent election results, Israeli leader Ariel Sharon said "You know, I really liked Public Enemy. 'Revolverlution' was a great album that spoke of the plight the everyday African-American must face. It's a real shame that we have to assassinate him with Cruise missiles and Apache helicopters. You know what those rappers say, 'Live by the gun, die by the gun,' well 2,000 pound missiles, you know what I mean."

John Kerry Receives 17 Purple Hearts for Recent Fact-Finding Trip to Iraq

John Kerry humbly accepted seventeen Purple Hearts awarded to him by Diane Pelosi yesterday after Kerry's long-awaited return from Iraq, where Kerry visited in order to annoy soldiers actually doing something productive and to distract them from their jobs.

Faced with criticism for what some say is an excessive number of medals given for a rather minimal amount of work, Kerry defended his record at a press conference thusly:

"Well, first of all I jammed my pinky getting into the cab on the morning of my departure, so that's one right there. And then I had some 'insurgent tacos' at Logan International, if you know what I mean--I was in the can the whole flight to Baghdad, so I figure that's worth one medal for each hour. And then, it was really hot, you know? I broke a sweat three times--which is three more Purple Hearts. And while I was in Mosul, some old lady cheated me out of half a dinar when I bought some Wrigley's gum from her at a market stall. That's another medal. And to top it all off, the movie on the flight back to Boston was 'Gigli'--well, you tell me how many medals THAT was worth. I claimed only one, which I think was pretty generous of me."

Arizona Senator John McCain, who actually saw combat, actually shot at people and was himself shot at, and who was actually captured by enemy forces and imprisoned for five years in a bamboo cage in the North Vietnamese jungle, said he was a bit perplexed by the Massachusetts senator's actions. Ted Kennedy, on the other hand, suggested that Purple Hearts be given to all minorities in the US, "just because, that's why".

Nostradamus Posthumously Given 'Used Booksellers' Lifetime Achievement Recognition Award'

The Association of North American Used Booksellers (ANAUB) today revealed that it will be giving famed prognosticator Nostradamus the coveted 'Lifetime Achievement Recognition Award' as a token of their appreciation for Nostradamus' single-handedly keeping most used booksellers in business since his death in 1566.

Nostradamian scholars asserted that Nostradamus himself predicted that such an honor would befall him, quoting the fifth stanza of "Tree Beetle Alchemist's Dirge" as irrefutable proof:

"And then shall the seven-toothed monkey
Slather hot mustard upon the apostate's patella;
'Ouchie!' shall exclaim the beslathered one,
Dropping his fork into a saucerful of tomato soup with celery.

Yea, verily I say unto thee, this shall come to pass
In the year's subdivided house, when eleven dreams gather at the feet of the Eastern plenipotentiary."

"Can there be any doubt?" asked noted Nostradamus expert Dan Burger. "It's as plain as day, if you ask me."

NBC Premieres 'Medium'

Not to be outdone, CBS will air 'Large' and Fox will develop series tentatively entitled 'Mega Gargantuola Daddy Challenge for Bachelorettes'. In related news, PBS will produce mini-series to be called 'Infinitesimal: Our Ratings'.

Stripper Sees Life Flash before her Eyes

Sun Wins Race across Sky--Again

For the 426,000,000,000,000,000,000th time in a row, the Sun won the diurnal 'Race across the Sky' competition held in the heavens over Earth.

A defiant Sun boasted of his record, taunting his opponents with, "Ain't nobody can step up to the mighty fleet-footedness of Apollo, baby! Nobody! Fools think they can contend with me--all I know is, I'm first out the blocks every morning when rosy-fingered dawn yields to the fury of my galloping steeds, and when I stable those flaming Arabians in the hollow of raspy dusk, ain't nobody to be seen in front of me, except maybe suckers who didn't even start the race to begin with. Mercury? Venus? Mars? Please... you must be trippin'. They ain't got nothin'. I'm the frickin' SUN, baby!"

Las Vegas bookmakers now all but agree that the sun's first-place finish each day is virtually a sure bet. Still, some renegade bookies are willing to extend long odds on perennial underdogs such as the moon. "The moon may seem frail and slow," said Vinny Catalini, bookmaker. "But she's light and nimble, and she's got a lot of scorn buried deep within her icy vaulted orb. I wouldn't be surprised if she was waitin' for the next solar eclipse to really stick it to old Ra and leave him in her dust."

The Sun dismissed Catalini's remarks with a snicker, saying, "the moon ain't nothin' without me. She REFLECTS, dog. She ain't even got her own nuclear fusion furnace to produce light and heat. She a cold, dead rock, an overrated mirror for my glory. Don't even play with me, dog. She ain't worth my time. That's why she got the night, and I got the day. If you ask me, she ain't even doin' that right. When's the last time you ever tried to do anything by moonlight? Can't see nothin', can you? The moon is a straight JOKE, is all I'm sayin'. The Sun rules!"

Kenny Loggins Re-Releases Hit Single "Danger Zone" To Benefit Tee-Sunami Victims

In his most benevolent move to date, 80's singer/songwriter Kenny Loggins decided late Wednesday that he would re-release his smash hit "Danger Zone" in light of the recent tee-sunami tragedy. "I don't think any of us really knew how bad this whole ass-load of water disaster was at first," Loggins told Entertainment Tonight reporter Mary Hart, "but when the pictures of the complete devastation came rollin' in, I really had no choice but to act accordingly." Loggins is best known for writing and singing the theme song to quite possibly the greatest movie ever made, "Top Gun." "Just think of all those sailors heading right toward the epicenter, they need some kickin' tunes to rock to," Loggins continued, "all of the proceeds will benefit the tee-sunami victims(as long as they admit that I am, indeed, still the man)!" In completely unrelated news, did anyone ever make it to level 2 in the "Top Gun" game by successfully landing the jet on the aircraft carrier? I mean come on, is there actually a second mission or are you just supposed to keep flying the plane into the rear of the boat?!?

U.S. To Adopt Euro

In a classic case of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" treasury secretary John Snow announced that the Federal Reserve will begin to phase out the U.S. Dollar and adopt the Euro, which has been gaining value against the Yankee Greenback for sometime. "Our currency is heading toward worthless anyway," stated Snow, "plus if we don't make the switch we will never get into the European Union." Under the plan proposed by the Fed Euro's will begin hitting the streets of the U.S. on Feb. 2 but will only be used to purchase thing European in nature such as futbol's and bikini briefs, but will soon totally replace ol' greenie. When asked why the U.S. was jumping on the Euro bandwagon President Bush responded, "Fair query chap, we have tried to manuveure to help the Yank recover, but haven't had a poke of luck. So my lads and I said blimey! We'll steal those dirty Frenchy's money!" The actual effect this change will have on the rank and file American is unclear. TDS attempted to contact those who will be most effected but unfortunately Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Grant, Franklin and Sacagawea could not be reached.

Plants Outlaw use of Hydroponics in Education

Plants today outlawed the use of sapling slang 'Hydroponics' as a medium of educating youth, citing studies which link the use of Hydroponics with lower test scores and difficulties finding a job after graduation.

MC Xylem and MC Phloem, two proponents of Hydroponics whose hit singles "We Be Photosynthesizin'" and "Strictly fo' my Dendrilzzz" are wildly popular with seedlings everywhere, called the move "straight wack".

The Outsiders Lose Another Loner to Ditech.com

Loosely confederated but deeply bound by their common hardship, the Outsiders today suffered what has become an all-too familiar setback when they lost another loner to Ditech.com.

Group spokesman Ponyboy said, "We was thinkin' Darrell'd stick with us, considerin' all the tough times we've known together--but then he up and goes to Ditech.com, sayin' they'd let him take out a 60 month mortgage on his house for the unbelievably low rate of 1.9 percent, with no closing fees. We's just simple folk, can't compete with the big fellas none, I guess."

Darrell responded to Ponyboy, saying, "Them guys is goin' nowheres. With Ditech.com, I am somebody--banks an' other lendin' institutions just can't cut it, and neither can them lowdown greasers. Sure, I went over to the socs--what's them hoodlums gonna do about it?"

Tragically, Darrell was later fired for 'excessive use of spittoons and excessive rumbling on company time'.

Now Boarding...

... all people wearing sweatshirts with hoods that zip open and lay flat so that everyone can see the lovely "Eeyore" logo printed thereon--

Oh, sorry, it looks like the plane is already gone. You just missed it!

Man Once Gave People Benefit of Doubt, Now Doubts Benefit of People

Leon Gillespie confided in The Daily Scoffer today that while when he was younger he used to give people the benefit of the doubt, harsh experiences with the meaninglessness of life have cast a pall upon his once-rosy outlook; he now says he doubts the benefit of people.

When asked if he could explain, Gillespie roared, "OH, BAAAAAAHHHH HUMBUG!"

Asian Family Politely Scrutinized

Rick Wang, wife Evelyn, and daughters Chrissy and Emily were all discretely srcutinized at the Birmingham International Airport last week.

The Wangs, all natives of McMinn County, Tennessee, admitted to The Daily Scoffer that this was not the first time they had been sized up with sidelong glances in a public place by white people.

Canada Pledges Quebec

The Canadian government has announced today that it is donating the entire province of Quebec to South Asia in order to assist with the massive rebuilding effort already underway.

"Please, will someone come quickly and take these pseudo-Frenchy snobs out of the Dominion?", said Canadian government spokesman Paul Malley. "S'il vous plait, or whatever those wine-sniffers say when they aren't stuffing their faces with cheese. The Quebecois will make great slaves for anyone needing a hand in reconstructing a house or repaving a road. The only condition is that you leave us Lemieux--he's not so bad."

Come, These Dead Bodies are Great for Crowing Over

World leaders took advantage of the devastating South Asian tsunami last week by racing to outbid one another in a globally televised charity auction. Secretary of State Colin Powell even flew to the region personally in order to tell the people there about the greatness of America, a message that natives said was exactly what they had been waiting to hear.

In related news, some Arab news stations finally revealed the true cause of the monster quake that rent the floor of the Indian Ocean and spawned the galloping waves that destroyed much of the South Asian coastline: apparently, Zionist infidels and Christian fornicators, gathered together at Hannukah and Christmas in order to sin more freely, brought the wrath of God down upon poor nations in one of the most economically depressed parts of the world. Arab scientists are still puzzling over why God would choose to punish Muslim and Hindu countries for Jewish and Christian sins, although some say it's because He doesn't want the crusaders to poison Arab minds with thoughts of elections and all of that nonsense.

Dan Brown To Release "Little Richard Code"

As a follow up to his worldwide blockbuster "The Da Vinci Code" Dan Brown will be releasing "The Little Richard Code" sources close to the author tell TDS. Much like "Da Vinci", "The Little Richard Code" will tell the tale of a brilliant and enlightened artist who attempts to tell the world the truth about a religious icon through subtle hints in his masterworks. By stringing together rumors and streched facts, Brown will show that Little Richard is a member of the group "The Know It All's" who have infiltrated the upper echelons of society and have been charged with keeping the worlds most prolific secret: that L. Ron Hubbard gave birth to Tom Cruise's love child on Arbor Day, 1998. While this accusation would obviously bring the Scientology world to its knees and leave Hollywood starlets grasping for a meaning to life Brown insists that his charges are based in fact. For instance, Brown points out that there are 8661 beats in "Good Golly Miss Molly", or read upside down 1998, the year of the alleged birth. In addition the cover art of "This is Little Richard" shows a tree holding a naked child, a not so subtle reference to Arbor Day. And if that is not enough just rearrange the letters to the title of Little Richards smash hit "Tutti Frutti" and you will get "I tit trutf" when spoken by Little Richard after a night of mescaline smoking clearly states "I tell truth". Brown also mentioned that the book will be released on June 6, 2006 and the rebuttal, "The Truth About the Little Richard Code" by Ban Drown will be out the following week.

New Year's Resolutions

We here at The Daily Scoffer would like to extend our New Years Wishes to all of our readers. Your loyal readership is much appreciated. Please digest the following New Year's Resolutions as your own:

1. Curb your alcoholism by becoming savagly addicted to the white pony.

2. Curb your alcoholism by drinking near beer.

3. Curb your enthusiasm

4. Sink your battleship.

5. Cook less meth.

6. Learn to play lute.

7. Bury bodies in freezer.

8. Disavow all knowledge.

9. Keep the beans below the frank.

10. Get to know chick in basement.

11. Email lady you married in Vegas last new years.

12, Slow motion for me.

13. Release PUD for all to enjoy.

14. Defy the wishes of the ARC.