Mahmoud Abbas Receives Dozens of Congratulatory 'Rifle-Grams'

Newly-elected Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas was the recipient of dozens of celebratory 'rifle-grams' from a jubilant electorate over the weekend.

A rifle-gram is akin to a candy-gram or a get-well-gram, except in Palestine the employee of the rifle-gram company comes to your door, ululates deafeningly, and fires a predetermined number of semi-automatic rifle rounds into the air.

Rifle-grams are not only for political events; idiots trained in the art of filling the air with whizzing bullets are available for graduations, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (admittedly rare in Palestine), weddings, and children's birthday parties. If anyone is struck and killed by the hail of metal, your next rifle-gram is fifty-percent off (gratuity not included).