Celebrities Bravely Reassert Their Celebrity

Celebrities took time off from their busy schedules of going to health spas and giving themselves awards, and came together in order to reaffirm their celebrity in the face of the tsunami disaster in south Asia. The self-congratulation and pious posturing for the little people was aired on NBC, and was thinly but tastefully veiled as a relief effort for the hundreds of thousands of victims who probably have never even attended a movie or purchased a celebrity-endorsed product.

Television critics seemed to agree that actress Annette Benning best summed up the spirit of the evening when she said, "We want to assure everyone watching tonight that, no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, everything is always--even pathologically--all about us. And by us, I mean me."

Flood victim Khalim Ravindri of Sri Lanka, when asked what he thought of the outpouring of solipsism from the Americans, replied, "Well, maybe if they spent less time on self-promotion, stuffing their coffers while rending the very fabric of decent society, they might have noticed that things over here weren't going so well even before the big waves came. But, in the end, all I and my villagers have to say is 'Thank goodness that Natalie Portman is ok. That is what really matters.' "

Portman later told reporters that she agreed with the poor wretch, and wished him a speedy recovery so that he could be well in time to catch her next movie.