Democrats Draft "No to Everything" Legislation

Leading House Democrats will today send to the Senate H.R. 1456, a bill mandating that the answer to every question asked in the United States shall be "no".

The left-of-the-aisle lawmakers worked for months on the bill in five key subcommittees (the Committee of Never, the Committee of Can't, the Committee of Shouldn't, the Committee of Let's Just Call it Quits, and the Committee of We Can Still Spend Tax Money Even if We Don't), finally agreeing on what some historians say is the most simply-worded bill ever to be introduced in Congress--the bill reads, "No to Everything."

The Democratic Party was unmistakably proud of the accomplishment, saying through a spokeswoman that it had cost more money just to buy the doughnuts for the committee meetings than it has to liberate a certain Middle Eastern country whose name may or may not rhyme with "Chirac".