Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear

[Being excerpts from a recent interview with CBS Nightly News anchor Dan Rather]

The Daily Scoffer: "Good evening, Mr. Rather, and thank y---"

Dan Rather: "BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA, BA-DA-BA, BADA-BADA-BADA-BA! This is CBS Nightly News with Dan Rather."

TDS: {clearing throat] "Right... Well, thank you very much for agreeing to speak with The Daily Scoffer, sir."

DR: "My pleasure, son. So, let's get right to it, shall we? Death, dying, destruction, fear. Ringworm, psoriasis, eczema, intestinal parasites. Al Qaeda, mercury poisoning, background radiation, spontaneous human combustion. Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden in your closet? Osama bin Laden under your bed? Osama bin Laden sidling up to you on the crowded subway, waiting to steal your innocence and joy?"

TDS: "I'm afraid I don't quite follow..."

DR: "Just keep that pen a-scratchin' and that tape a-rollin', son. You'll see what I mean. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Guns? Guns in your Campbell's soup? Guns pointed at you right now? Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? Radon. Hijacking of all flights at all times. Everything you have ever seen is a bomb. Mudslides. Disappearing ozone. The PLO. Tainted aspirin, tainted baby food, tainted aspirin for babies, tainted babies. Muslim hordes battering down the gates of Western civilization. Do you hear them? Unconfirmed reports indicate that many people do in fact hear them. Flu vaccine shortages. Helicopter footage of lines of people--why aren't you in line? There are, allegedly, only 5 vials of flu vaccine left in the entire universe. All those who don't receive this vaccine will die. SARS. Killer Rottweillers. Vioxx gone bad, possible Martha Stewart link. Prince Harry and Martha Stewart in steamy prison tryst. Tell-all book about every celebrity ever. Celebrate the people I show you on TV, son! Celebrate them!"

TDS: "I'll, um, maybe give it a try. Now, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about the recent presidential election, if you don't mind."

DR: "Not at all. Red. Blue. Undecided. Red? Why not blue? Blue? Why not red? Undecided? Why not stay that way? Madrid bombings. There is a bomb in your mother's pillow right at this very moment. Airport screeners are working for the terrorists. Kerry and Edwards. Bush and Cheney. Red Sox and Yankees. Pistons and Pacers. Asteroids. There are millions of asteroids in our solar system, and every single one of them is going to hit the Earth in five minutes. Do you have a soul? If so, why aren't you taking medication to get rid of that thing? It's unsightly. Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Are you ever shy? Are you ever sad? Do you ever feel lonely or tired? Do you ever cry? Lithium, Xanax, Morphine, Quaaludes. Antibiotics, antibacterial soap, Lysol, Swiffer Mops."

TDS: "Well, that's about all the time we have, I'm afraid. Thank you again for your willingness to share a few words with our readers."

DR: "And don't forget--Four Horsemen, heinous criminals and their crimes, tsunamis,crooked landlords, the French, Death, Dying, Destruction, Fear!"