John Kerry Receives 17 Purple Hearts for Recent Fact-Finding Trip to Iraq

John Kerry humbly accepted seventeen Purple Hearts awarded to him by Diane Pelosi yesterday after Kerry's long-awaited return from Iraq, where Kerry visited in order to annoy soldiers actually doing something productive and to distract them from their jobs.

Faced with criticism for what some say is an excessive number of medals given for a rather minimal amount of work, Kerry defended his record at a press conference thusly:

"Well, first of all I jammed my pinky getting into the cab on the morning of my departure, so that's one right there. And then I had some 'insurgent tacos' at Logan International, if you know what I mean--I was in the can the whole flight to Baghdad, so I figure that's worth one medal for each hour. And then, it was really hot, you know? I broke a sweat three times--which is three more Purple Hearts. And while I was in Mosul, some old lady cheated me out of half a dinar when I bought some Wrigley's gum from her at a market stall. That's another medal. And to top it all off, the movie on the flight back to Boston was 'Gigli'--well, you tell me how many medals THAT was worth. I claimed only one, which I think was pretty generous of me."

Arizona Senator John McCain, who actually saw combat, actually shot at people and was himself shot at, and who was actually captured by enemy forces and imprisoned for five years in a bamboo cage in the North Vietnamese jungle, said he was a bit perplexed by the Massachusetts senator's actions. Ted Kennedy, on the other hand, suggested that Purple Hearts be given to all minorities in the US, "just because, that's why".