With 2% of precincts reporting TDS can project that the wealthy and privileged will retain 100% control of the Senate, 98% control of the House and no control over the war in Iraq...
More as it develops...
Local artist Leonard S. Posier has settled on a going rate for his new line of 'mixed media' paintings, 64.08 times the cost he incurred to create them. "I know that it seem arbitrary, but I figure that art like mine should be appreciated and I can think of no better way than for art lovers to express their appreciation than monetarily" Posier told the Scoffer. Posier's art will be sold in galleries world wide, he hopes, someday. For now they will be sold in area coffee shops where he or his parents have a personal relationship with the owner. His first collection "girls from my dorm made of stuff i found in my dorm" is set to hit shop in November(we are told the lower case I is ironic). While the owner of Posier's gallery, "The Java Joint" is pessimistic that is clientele is ready to spend the $7689 price that Leonard's work carries he is optimistic that the hole in the wall next to the straw dispenser will be hidden for the foreseeable future.
The Daily Scoffer usually strives to remain absolutely neutral on all events it covers, but as we feel that the following information may be vital for the defense of the Free World, we humbly submit it to our reading public, with our apologies for tarnishing our otherwise sterling record of unbiased reporting:
If war should break out on the Korean peninsula, all you gotta do is outfit the front line of the Allied forces with tremendous pictures of your favorite Commie dictator. Stalin, Mao, Lenin, Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il, Fidel Castro, Hillary Clinton--anyone will do. The North Koreans, conditioned from infancy to applaud the sight of any professional economy-wrecker, will drop their guns and clap like madmen until they all keel over dead. Then our boys can just stroll into Pyongyang and begin the real work of drawing pink moustaches on all the statues of the two Kims set up all over the joint.
The above has been a special announcement from The Daily Scoffer. It is meant only for the upper echelons of Allied Defense. Anyone else who reads it should definitely not tell the North Koreans or the Clintons about our plan.
North Korean scientists proved last week that they had discovered how to harness the frightful power of the atom. In a daring experiment, the Communist government detonated a bizarre device that somehow splits the nuclei of uranium atoms, thus causing a chain reaction that produces great amounts of energy. This is the first time in world history that anyone has been able to unlock the secrets of the invisible world of the sub-microscopic.
In the 1940s, scientists working in America came close to achieving the same results as the astute North Koreans, but the American project failed and no atomic bomb was ever used in the Second World War.
Shortly thereafter, the Soviets also tried and failed to create a so-called `atomic bomb`.
Then about twenty other countries were unsuccesful in crafting such a complex piece of weaponry, as well.
Finally, the despicable nation of Pakistan came up short in its own efforts to master the terrible art of fission explosions.
The North Koreans, flush with their recent success, yesterday announced a bold plan to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. There is also speculation that the reclusive Stalinist nation will broadcast images through thin air using an emerging technology that is tentatively being called `television`. Some Korea-watchers even suggest that the North may be developing a machine that will allow the user to input data and manipulate text on a screen in front of him, but the realization of such a device, the experts acknowledge, probably lies many years in the future.
Comedians Gilbert Gottfried and Judy Tenuta were married last Sunday in Brooklyn, New York City, in what the newlywed couple describe as an `unintentionally private` ceremony.
Gottfried, famous for his smooth, unannoying voice and his high-class stand-up act, and Tenuta, renowned for her demure stage repertoire, admitted to being nonplussed by the failure of even one person to attend their nuptials.
`I really can`t believe it`, the supple-larynxed Gottfried cooed. `We sent out three thousand invitations, and nobody...`
TDS was also invited, but we sent our regrets beforehand, explaining that we possessed ears and thus would not be able to attend.
The typically stolid world of physics and cosmological research was shaken up yesterday when Stephen Hawking announced that he would be teaming up with Rolling Stones axeman Keith Richards to develop a super-string guitar.
`Super-strings are, like, totally radical`, said Hawking in a transcript released yesterday afternoon. `Keith`ll be able to blow people`s hair back all the way in the cheap seats if he jams on this new super-string guitar.`
Richards, who also attended the press conference where Hawking announced the collaboration, concurred, adding:
`I`ve always been looking for a way to bring classical and quantum physics closer together in my music, and now Dr. Hawking has show me how. The only drawback is that strings, even super ones, are entirely too small to see, much less play. So, for now, I`m rocking out in my mind. The other day I played a seven-hour solo for six hundred trillion people at Wembley Stadium, and raked in eleventy gajillion pounds in one night. It`s all because of super-strings. Thanks, Dr. Hawking.`
`Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending today`s press briefing. There is only one item on the agenda today--namely, the United States Department of State categorically and vigorously denies that I am a pencil-neck.
`Before I arrived at work this morning I was ogled by several buxom blondes in the parking lot of the dry cleaners. While waiting at a red light during the commute to the office I was given the old double-take by a very fetching woman in a very red dress. And just as I was about to step up to the podium you, madam, in the back row, glanced at me in a way that can mean only one thing.
`I have in my hands a direct order from the President of the United States. If anyone calls me a pencil-neck again, I have the right to deny it categorically and vigorously. And if anyone calls me a pencil-neck twice, I have the right to tell the President on that person.
`The State Department has a long and proud tradition of not employing pencil-necks, or anyone else who seems to be a spineless rag flapping about in the breeze of political correctness. We live dangerously here at State, folks. And if you don`t think so, then just try to mess with me.
I`ll tell. I promise I will.`
I do my thing, and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
F.S. Perls
Once a part of the great hated-vegetable-triumvirate that also included brussel sprouts and asparagus, spinach is now just a shell of its former self. In light of the recent events, parents are struggling to fill the void left by the absent leafy side dish. But don't look to any kids across the world to be shedding any tears. "This is sooooo cool!", said Corey Mathewson of Internaitonal Falls, MN. Corroborating his sentiments was Hishmar Dazry of Islamabad, Pakistan, "My mom used to totally make me eat that crap all the time...now its nothing but cookies and ice cream!" (You may be surprised but we here that TDS are fluent in Hindi, Farsi and Aramaic.)
Brussel Sprout and asaragus farmers are working overtime to make up for the hole left by the spinach recall. Dwayne Tucker, a brussel sprout farmer in Des Moines, IA, told TDS that his office has been flooded with requests from local parents to step up production. The You Better Eat Your Vegetables Debate is a timeless struggle, one that often ends in a stalemate. Kids across the globe are willing to go to bed without dessert, TV or video games in order to avoid eating the vile plants that adults call food.
The Global Assosciation of Kids, or GAK, is calling for all its members to unite in prayer that a similar recall will affect asparagus, brussel sprouts and many other hated vegetables.
Dear Scoffer Staff,
It is with great pleasure that I note that the counter on the Scoffer site meter is within a few hits of 4,000. This is remarkable news, and has been made possible by the efforts of us.
As the only readers of this most excellent blog, we have only ourselves to thank for the stupendous achievement to which we shall, God willing, soon be privy. So, thanks, us, for all that you do to make this site such an unparalleled success (among us).
Sincerely,
Scoffer Staff
Inspired by a decidedly non-biased text-box in a recent issue of the unbiased Marxist mouthpiece Newsweek, Scoffer Staff have compiled their own short and, hopefully, entertaining quiz concerning Presidential quotes.
Which U.S. President first uttered the following?
(Answers below)
1. Tooth
2. Bird
3. Jujubes
4. Tough actin` Tinactin
5. My Blackberry`s memory stick is unable to cope with the preponderance of my Presidential wisdom.
6. Frick you, King-boy!
7. One if by land, two if by sea, and three if it`s Chuck Norris by zipline.
8. The
9. And
10. Give me liberty, or give me the Three-Fifths Compromise.
(Answers: 1-9, George Washington; 10. Peter Stuyvesant (trick question))
In 1967 John Lennon proclaimed that all you need is love with the Beatles hit cleverly titled "All You Need Is Love". In 1967 this was true, but as we all know times change. Never ones to let things get swept under the rug, we here at TDS have taken the time to disgrace the memory of the Beatles by rewriting the lyrics of Lennon's classic for the year 2006. (Scoffer Staff updates in italics)
There's nothing you can do that can't be done cheaper by an Indian grad student,
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung by an American Idol contestant
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy for rich people
All you need is love, and an interest only loan
and TiVo
and a subscription to FlexJet
and a Dyson vacuum cleaner
and a Dodge Cirrus
and triple tray ceilings
and a swifer wetjet
and Hummer cologne
and a strong to very strong portfolio
and Vonage
and a Treo
and some Lucky Jeans
and a flat panel TV
and an American Express Black
and Sugar Free RedBull
and a Segway
and a Taylor Hicks CD
and a friend with a sailboat
and some really tasteful business cards
and bed head
and an IPod
and some cabs and zins
and love.
All you need is love, love, and that other stuff and love is all you need.
...then pays $8.99 for a candy bar and a bottle of water at the gas station convenience store.
Every year the I.C.C gathers in Prague to vote on future racing sites. While the Tour de France is by far the most popular cycling race in the world, the I.C.C. is looking to expand the popularity of the sport by creating new race locales. The Daily Scoffer, in a glorious display of journalism ingenuity, has received the voting results weeks before they will be released. The nine member panel voted as follows:
Tour de Kosovo, defeated 5-4
Tour de Birchwood, passed 7-2
Tour de Compton, passed 6-3
Tour de Pacific Rim of Fire, defeated 5-4
Tour de Gary's Backyard, passed 9-0
Tour de Pyongyang, passed 5-4
Tour de Southern Lebanon, passed 6-3
I hope you are looking forward to the upcoming races as much as we are!
This call for a cease fire was brought to you by The Daily Scoffer diplomatic corps. Doing what Condi won't since 2006.
In case you have not noticed by now, but most of the material we write here on The Daily Scoffer is supposed to be funny, at least that's the goal anyway. But the following is an honest and personal reaction to the 2006 World Cup. Nothing funny but something that we feel needs to be said.....
Soccer, or Futbol rather, is the most popular sport pretty much everywhere on the planet other than here in the US. The World Cup only comes around every 4 years and is designed to be the stage to showcase the best soccer talent the globe has to offer. Much progress has been made of late here at home to increase our soccer awareness and passion. The MLS has provided an arena for people all over the country to witness this truly amazing sport. Heck, you even see a highlight on SportsCenter now and again. Girls and boys alike play soccer from the earliest of ages all the way to the collegiate level.
But for some reason, the sport still falls far behind in popularity as compared to (our) Football, Baseball and Basketball. After watching the 2006 World Cup, this stupid American finally realized why. (Please excuse the following language but it seems only necessary) International Futbol players are a bunch of PUSSIES! Plain and simple. Cut and Dry. Insert any other trite analogy here that you deem applicable. Watching the games from Round One on showed the world how embarrassingly fairy-like all of these "men" really are. There were more dives than an Olympic swim team event. It should be noted that the Europeans are most notorious for this pansy type of play, but just about every team is guilty except, guess who, good ole USA. Players from Africa to Asia to South America suffer what appears to be career-ending injuries, then miraculously return to the field only moments after being carted off on a stretcher.
You ask me what the most memorable image was of the 2006 Cup and I'll tell you its Brian McBride leaving the field with a face full of blood. Not rolling around on the turf like a fish out of water, but walking off. And only because the officials made him due to the blood. He came back shortly to play an amazing second half. Just look how many flops and dives within the box it took to get France into the final game. France it is official...YOU SUCK! Your whole existence is based on being cowards. How come the USA is the only nation in the world that has balls?!?! Balls to stand up for what is right and walk away with dignity. The way the US played in this 2006 World Cup made them the true winners in my book. All of the players can return home with their pride and dignity, knowing that they played their hearts out in a game they will likely never succeed at. And I think you know why. All we can do is cheer our team on, and wish them the best in 2010 in South Africa. And as for Zidane, I find it only hilariously enjoyable that the most disgraced player on the planet is a Frenchman. Thank You Zinedine for representing your home country so appropriately. GO USA!
A few weeks ago The Daily Scoffer published an article titled "The Top Ten Worst Movies of All Time". In light of recent events, or releases rather, we would like to make a few changes concerning the list. In an amazing show of stench, The Devil Wears Prada has replaced The Notebook for top honors on the list. Although our entertainment reporter has yet to see aforementioned movie, he claims to have no doubt that The Devil Wears Prada deserves to be on the list and will undoubtedly blow serious Kim Jong-il chode. The Notebook will move to the second spot, Lorenzo's Oil will replace Xanadu in the seventh spot. Mercy has been shown to Olivia Newton-John as long as she promises to never, EVER, act again!
For immediate laughing matters, please reference our archived articles or remove your pants and look in a mirror. Contar Chistes!
As one of the worlds greatest soccer playing nations Italy knew that they would have no problems dispatching an upstart American team with only one player whose last name could possibly be mistaken for a pasta (Mastroeni). Being the saints that they are the Italian side decided to send thier national swim team to do battle with the Americans in an effort to even things out. After the game the reviews were good for both sides, although the Italians had trouble transitioning from the pool to the pitch as they keep diving whenever the Americans got close.
(zing)
Entertainment Weekly and The Daily Scoffer recently teamed up to conduct an expansive internet poll to find out the contents of the following list. Taking months to complete, these results are definitive and exhaustive. Plus, everything you read on The Daily Scoffer is absolutely true! So here it is, the ten worst movies of all time...
10) Quigley Down Under
9) Snow Dogs
8) Judge Dredd
7) Xanadu
6) Heartbreakers
5) Iron Eagle III ( 1 was alright, 2 we watched, but there was no need for 3!)
4) Citizen Kane (no, this is not a typo, and yes, this was a horrible movie)
3) Double Impact
2) Lorenzo's Oil
And finally, the worst movie of all time is.....
1) The Notebook!
Crescent City Waste Disposal Services
"Our business stinks, but we're picking up!"
Karl's Gun Shop and Burrito Stand
"If you're in the mood to blow something, give us a holler"
Portis Salazaar, esq
"I'm not sure what an esquire really is, but I'll charge you an arm and a leg if you ever need one."
Dr. Montelbahn's High Colonic Shop
"We'll get you clean where the sun don't shine!"
What did the tiger say to the zebra just before eating him?
I ain't Lion!
(To the tune of 'American Pie', a Don McLean joint)
They were singing,
Bye, bye Mr. Al-Zarqaw-i
Drove my hum-vee to the pipeline but the pipeline was dry,
The Mujahideen were baking opium pie,
Singing, this will be the day that I die (praise be unto Allah)
And in the streets the falafel guy screamed,
And in the green zone they all turned on Larry King,
Not a Salaat was spoken, the Muezzin must have been tokin',
And the blog we all admire most,
Pulled through with another hilarious post,
The day Al-Zarqawi died.
They were singing,
Bye, bye Mr. Al-Zarqaw-i,
I hope all your heavenly virgins look like Katheryn Manheim,
It appears that you were not the most popular guy,
Because people smile when they hear that you've died,
(everybody now!)
They were singing,
Bye, bye Mr. Al-Zarqaw-i
Drove my hum-vee to the pipeline but the pipeline was dry,
The Mujahideen were baking opium pie,
Singing, this will be the day that I die (praise be unto Allah)
Singing, this will be the day that I die
Add your verse in the comments. It is a easy as...pie.
(Or, man learns bitter lesson by Scoffing for no one...)
Here's a contest for our regular Scoffers (sorry, 'twas only vanity that led me to pluralize 'Scoffer'): try to guess what Mahmoud's thinking! Let's take a look at some possibilities--then, write your own ideas in the 'Comments' section...
~ "Look at this, a crowd for haranguing, and me without my rifle..."
~ "Guess where my other hand is!"
~ "Of all the lousy times for my underwear to start riding up on me."
~ "Do I flash the fascist salute now, or after I blame the Jews for everything?"
~ "Put 'er there, Saddam---SIKE!"
~ "Everybody do the robot."
~ "I'm missing The Scoffer for this?!?"
In an embarrassing slip-up, Osama bin Laden, who for the past several years has been taunting Western governments' failure to locate him by sending taped messages to Arabic-language networks, last week released a video tape to al Jazeera that, while labeled 'Death to Israel, Death to America, Redux', actually contained all the episodes of 'Designing Women' from the 1989-90 season.
Apparently bin Laden quickly realized his mistake, for, just two days after giving the world a glimpse into the hilarious hijinks of a group of Atlanta ladies running a design firm, bin Laden sent another tape to al Jazeera, this time promising, "death to Israel, and death to America--except for that Annie Potts. Her spunky witticisms really make my tent feel less lonely on long Afghani evenings."
In a spirited debate, held in the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans, a star-studded panel of 'experts' discussed ways in which to protect the Mississippi port city from further storm destruction in the future.
New Orleans native Ellen Degeneres, a long-time supporter of dykes, did not surprise many participants in the conference when she suggested that the best way to solve New Orleans' perennial flooding problems would be to bring in 'lots of dykes'. Degeneres elaborated on her suggestion, saying that New Orleans should import 'big dykes, burly dykes, slender and voluptuous dykes, rotund dykes, raspy-voiced dykes, and bushy-browed dykes, just to name a few'. Nearly everyone from the LPGA contingent enthusiastically supported Degeneres' plan.
On the other side of the debate was Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho, who said that it would be much easier to stand around and wait until a storm came, and then sandbag until the storm was defeated. He acknowledged that it wasn't as manly as dykes, but, he added, 'after the storm we can all dance around on our tippy-toes and flick our permed locks about. It will be just like ballet--only gayer.'
The final decision, however, will rest with Mayor Ray Nagin, and it is as yet unclear as to which side of the debate he will come down on. Many political reporters in the city, however, wrote in their columns yesterday that multiple leaks from the Mayor's office have corroborated rumors that Nagin will simply do nothing. That way, when the big storms come, all the blacks can blame all the whites for the damage, and, while the blacks are living in free hotel rooms and perfecting their criminal skills in other cities across the country, all the whites will be tasked with making New Orleans safe for crime again.
A dejected Degeneres, upon hearing of the mayor's plan, said, 'well, I still think dykes would be a good idea.'
All 7 illegal Canadien immigrants currently living in the United States are totally pissed off. Here at TDS, we only have one question to ask. "What's this all aboot?"
Celine Dion, now a fixture in Las Vegas after signing a multi-million dollar deal in 2003 to perform at the MGM Grand five nights a week, has been altering some of the lyrics of her songs "the better to reflect her dirty Canadian affiliation", Dion's publicist admitted yesterday.
But this isn't news to us. In late 2003, mere days after Dion signed her contract, TDS planted a double-agent deep under cover in the Dion camp. Since that time, the agent, who we'll call 'Lou Brewster', has been feeding us a line. A whole lotta lines, in fact.
Below is just one example of the way Celine Dion has been altering her lyrics in order to subvert the highbrow crowd in Las Vegas who can stomach a Canuck AND a five-dollar lobster dinner all in the same evening:
I'M YOUR LADY
...Cause I'm your lady,
And you are my man.
Whenever you reach for me,
I'll be Canadienne...
I'm waiting for something
(like Quebecois Independence)--
And although I was born
In North America,
I still think I'm French...
In a bitter blow to investors and a previously enthusiastic board of directors, 'Pre-Cambrian Park', a Florida-based theme park featuring flora and fauna brought back from pre-Cambrian fossilized DNA, has failed to draw even one-tenth the number of visitors its founders hoped for in their first year.
Aiming to capitalize on the success of the series of blockbuster 'Jurassic Park' books and films, and also on recent advances in cell engineering technology that make Jurassic Park's former fiction a possibility today, Mark Ryder and Pete MacElwain, Pre-Cambrian Park's founding duo, opened their sprawling three-thousand acre site in August of last year.
"We had such high hopes," MacElwain confided to The Daily Scoffer. "But, for some reason, folks just don't seem that interested. We need to go back to the drawing board."
Critics of the park, however, say that the reasons for the team's failure are easy to understand. Rachel Bloom, spokeswoman for 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Scrubgrass', explained, "Basically, Ryder and MacElwain have just planted a lot of ferns and palm trees in the middle of Florida. They also have some horseshoe crabs in a small pond near the parking lot. Sure, all of these species are technically genetic relics from the Pre-Cambrian era, but the founders seem to have failed to realize that those species are abundantly common today, too. Maybe if they'd resurrected some giant ground sloths or gargantuan leviathans of the deep they'd have had a bigger draw, but..."
Ryder and MacElwain, while dismissing Bloom's criticisms as "mammothwash", do concede that their pricing strategy may have to be re-evaluated.
"It's come to our attention," Ryder said, with more than a touch of sarcasm, "that $89.95 for one day's worth of unlimited fern- and horseshoe crab-viewing may be more than we can expect of the average Pleistocene-headed consumer."
That's right, folks, it's the classic tale of boy meets girl, but with a twist--I'm a little bit Phoenician, but she's a little bit Parthian.
We never seem to see eye-to-eye on anything. For example, she wants to conduct equestrian raids on agricultural settlements, but I want to engage in trade using my inborn knowledge of seamanship and ocean routes. And sometimes I feel like tallying my transported wares with an early form of writing, while she illiterately yearns for plunder amid the thunder of hooves and the thrill of riding bareback across central Asian steppes.
But there's one thing we CAN agree on, and that's that we're both CRAZY for each other. I may be a little bit Phoenician, and she might be a little bit Parthian, but we're 100% in love, and that's all that matters.
As a loyal reader of the Scoffer you have no doubt come to rely on our ability to out-scoop the national 'news' outlets and always come through with the insights no one else can get. As such, we understand that you are let down that National Geographic got the jump on us on the Book of Judas story. To make up for this we have decided to release a document that has long been stored in the Scoffer Archives, the true and complete transcipt of the conversation that led to the founding of the Mormon church.
This account was taken at the Horse and Buggy Pub in Manhattan in 1827. A student in a correspondence course to become a court reporter was studying for his final when he decided to practice by recording the next random conversation he could hear. What happened next is religious history....
Joseph Smith: Please excuse my being so forward ma'am, but may I buy you a fish sandwich?
Hot Bar Fly 1: I cannot excuse your forwardness or your lack of a text sent to you by angels. I have already dined on mutton with a proper Catholic and therefore have no time or appetite to dine with the likes of you...
Joseph Smith: A thousand pardons Madam...go to hell (underbreath)
HBF 1: Excuse me young rouge? What was that last part?
Joseph Smith: Uh, um....I said I fear I am going to hell.
HBF 1: We are all in danger of the lake of fire, talk to a priest.
Joseph Smith: Actually a priest won't do. I will only be saved from hell if I lay with you Biblically.
HBF 1: Why would I defile my flower to save you from hell when I will then be condemned to hell for my infidelity?
Joseph Smith: Good Point. What if I told you that an angel told me that the only way I could get to Heaven was if I slept with two women, and the only way those women could get to Heaven was if they pleased me.
HBF 1:HOLY HELL! I don't want to be condemned to hell, and if letting you grope my luscious lady lumps gets me to Heaven then color me down! How many ladies did you say you need to scrog? I have some friends...
Joseph Smith: 3?
HBF 1: Hey Hot Bar Fly 2 and Designated Fat Chick, come hither and meet thy saviour...
Joseph Smith: Barkeep, 3 Rufi-Coladas for my new harem! And put it on the Utah taxpayers tab! (Zing!)
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad did something over the weekend that has not been done for over 27 years. He wrote a letter to Washington. The letter is being sent to President Bush via the Swiss Embassy (way to stick with the whole neutrality thing Switzerland). Although the letter has yet to reach the Oval Office, we here at The Daily Scoffer have obtained an exclusive copy of it's contents.
Greetings Busch-
How are you today? Allah finds this ole bastard well. The wives send their best. Tehran is very pretty this time of the year, right before the sand turns to glass in the melting summer's heat. You should visit soon. Don't come next week though, Russia and China are coming over to discuss their cowardice. We may or may not have enough time to insult the French. I think you should not invade us. We do not really have any nuclear capabilities yet. We have only bought The Simpsons DVD Box Set and are still trying to figure this whole nuclear thing out with the help of Homer and Mr. Burns. If you do invade us, I will be forced to bomb Israel. By the way, I love your beer. Please send many cases. I have my money on the Spurs to win it all. Hellofa Derby on Saturday. I will be making a trip to Mexico as soon as they pass that new drug law. Long live Allah. Baaaalllllahahahahblaaaaaaahaahhhhhlllll.
Your Friend,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
PS. Please send bombs just in case we need to bomb Israel.
In yet another stunning coup for The Daily Scoffer, we have recently obtained a copy of the cassette tape full of sad songs that Chuck Norris made for his ex-girlfriend, who recently ended their two-year high-profile relationship due to 'irreconcilable beard differences'.
As always, TDS wastes no time in sharing with its reader the contents of the intercepted material. The tape's contents, in full:
Side A ("Achy Side")
Track 1: There Is Always Something There To Remind Me (Of The Time I Roundhoused You)
Track 2: I'm In the Mood for Larynx Punches
Track 3: Uppercut of Love
Track 4: More than Words (or, Let Me Tell You in Short, Abdominal Jabs How Much I Love You)
Track 5: My Girl Wants to File Restraining Orders All The Time
Side B ("Breaky Side")
Track 6: Kung Fu Ever Love Me Again?
Track 7: I'm A Fool for your Hapkido
Track 8: There's a Tear in My Beard (Cause I Just Sucker-punched Some Henchmen)
Track 9: The First Cut is the Deepest--But I Can Make the Other Ones Hurt Like the Dickens, Too
Track 10: I Can Show You the World (But Then I'll Have to Kill You)
This, reader, has been yet another TDS exclusive. The remarkable failure of the general public to read/care about The Daily Scoffer is but further confirmation of the success of our mission (although this TDS reporter has no idea how the two facts might be related).
At any rate, long live TDS!
In response to the increased level of anger surrounding illegal immigrants and their leftist, law-breakin' ways (but why do I repeat myself?), the Immigration and Naturalization Service has recently released a list of countries and regions whose citizens, whether they be in the United States legally or no, will be forced to leave our shores post haste.
As usual (and not surprisingly, considering our fantastic connections on all levels of government), The Daily Scoffer has obtained an advance copy of the list in its entirety, which we reprint below:
1. Dry Tortugas
2. Wet Tortugas
3. New Jersey
4. Equitorial Guinea
5. New Guinea
6. Heck, anybody from anywhere called "Guinea"
7. Brooklyn
8. Los Angeles
9. Las Vegas
10. Anywhere south of the Rio Grande, and west of the dividing line of the Treaty of Tordesillas
11. Yap
(Sorry, the last one was inserted at the behest of the Royal and August Government of Lesotho, the True and Legitimate Sovereign and Suzerain of Yap--plus, some Lesothoan nationalists gave me twenty bucks--and Scoffin' ain't free, you know...)
On Monday, May 1st, a day dear to every Communist and Democrat (but, why do I repeat myself?) for being International Worker's Day, illegal immigrants across the United States broke the law and skipped work in order to prove how law-abiding and trustworthy they are.
The Daily Scoffer managed to buttonhole one of the illegal immigrants participating in an illegal work-stoppage and march in order to ask him a few questions about why he thought he, who was born in Mexico, somehow had the right to sneak into the U.S. and sponge off of its health care and social welfare systems.
The Daily Scoffer: "Why are you such a moocher, senor?"
Pepe 'Maclovio' Perez: "I am brown. As you know, brown people are entitled to all of the fruits of white and black people's labor. Also, I am an illegal immigrant. Your gringo laws do not apply to me."
TDS: "You make a subtle point, senor moocher. But surely you can understand that certain white and black people will be angry that you have taken advantage of their goodwill by stealthily and treacherously entering the country, working without paying taxes, and skimming off the national health and social welfare systems."
PMP: "Juan, oh, Juan will you gringos realize, man, that the U.S. belongs to us? Tortilla the truth, I actually enjoy flautaing the laws of this country. Enchilada fun!"
TDS: "Thanks, Pepe, I know that will make all white and black folks feel much better when they see their taxes raised to support you and your illegitimate brood, suckling at the breast of the welfare nanny state."
PMP: "Well, you know, whatever I can do to help (as long as it doesn't involve obeying any gringo laws or anything like that)."
And that, reader, is the story from the front lines of the eeleegal eemeegrint deebate.
The Daily Scoffer has been proud to play host to the stimulating high-brow debate over whose momma be mo' nasty. Below are some more points to consider:
* Yo momma so po', I went to her house and stepped on a cigarette butt, and she said, 'Who put out the heat?'
* Yo momma so po', I saw her kickin' a can down the street, and when I asked her what she was doin', she said, 'Movin'.'
* Yo momma so bi-partisan, she be participatin' in all sorts' o' committees and junk like that! (DOOOOOHHHHHH!)
So, let my debating partner continue with the discussion... If he can find it within himself to step over the gauntlet I've thrown down before him!
In a stunning show of the shallowness of his love and his lack of culinary acumen, local Casanova Fred Sanders wooed his lady friend of four months to the most exotic dinner of her life, Langostino Lobster bites from Long John Silvers. Even after she was informed by TDS consumer affairs correspondent that Langostino really means fresh water prawns not even worthy of being called bastard shrimp, Miranda Dennis still gushed that it was the best dinner she has had since her parents took her to Olive Garden for her vocational school graduation and vowed to let Fred round third base later that night.
When questioned by TDS about how Long John Silvers execs could sleep at night knowing that they are pawning off pressed shrimp tails and juvenile Mississippi Delta prawns off on the American public, Long John Silvers spokesperson Carpy McWhitefish replied that since they charge more for it they seem more 'lobsteresque'.
completely convinced by this line of reasoning TDS promtly ordered a gross of 'lobster' bites for the company Yam Kipur party.
'How can we stop the wily Persians?'
This question has been on the minds and on the lips of many a bathing Westerner since the Iranians decided to parade delicately rouged and coiffed palace boys before the world in order to announce the production of about six milligrams of yellowcake, apparently the pinnacle of Persian scientific achievement.
Well, look no further, reader, for The Daily Scoffer has compiled a comprehensive list of actions that can be taken towards stickin' it to the pseudo-Arabs:
* Slap sanctions on all hookahs going into and coming out of Iran.
* Slap Iranians, wherever we might meet them.
* Impose a 250% tariff on all belly-dancing related paraphernalia.
* Have all U.S. and European government officials begin and end every speech with, "Akkadians RULE, Cyrus and Darius BITE".
* Demonstrate before the United Nations Security Council Iran's complicity in the production of 'Ishtar', widely hailed as the worst movie ever made (and that includes the Sylvester Stallone masterpiece 'Judge Dredd').
* Leak to the Western press that the Iranian president and the Ayatollah were actually founding members of Four Non Blondes.
* Spray Iran with soap and water, against which Muslims have no natural immunity.
* Suddenly announce that yellowcake is SO 2005, and that johhnycake is the new wave of the future.
* Change title of Nietzsche's classic tome to 'Thus Spake Ed Asner'.
* Recruit hundreds of Iranian college students to the newly-formed Southern Hawai'i Institute of Technology, then send them all sweatshirts emblazoned with the school's initials.
* Rearrange Iran's letters on all official U.N. documents. The new name? 'Nair'.
* Secretly plot to have American woman marry Jordanian king, thus bringing one of Iran's regional rivals under our hegemony. Oh, wait... we already did that.
* Spread vicious rumor that the Iranian president has only sixteen wives.
* Allow women to drive, allow everyone to practice their religion freely, and stop blaming the Jews for every problem we've ever had. Oh, wait... we already did that.
* Kindly point out to our Iranian counterparts that 'Ayatollah' rhymes with 'Hi! I'm a loo-loo Muslim-ollah.'
And that, reader, is how you get things done in the delicate world of international diplomacy. Don't ever forget, reader, that you read it here first!
How about these:
* Yo momma so ambidextrous, she be givin' southpaw sidearmers a run fo' dey money!
* Yo momma so Venezuelan, she ain't even be Brazilian!
* Yo momma so pusilanimous, she never no munificent fool!
* Yo momma so Libertarian, she be dissin' dem Whigs like dey was no to-maw-ROH!
* Yo momma so scurvied, she be SWIMMIN' in OJ and it STILL don't be curin' her! (Doooohhhhhhh!)
* Yo momma so clueless, she ain't even be readin' The Daily Scoffer!
Peace Out!
Inspired by the hot new reality show on MTV, "Yo Mamma", The Daily Scoffer would like to donate our own stinging quips in hopes that someone, somewhere, will invite us to be on the show.
1. Yo mamma so stupid she failed a pregnancy test!
2. Yo mamma so nasty she uses Lysol for deodorant!
3. Yo mamma so ugly blind goes don't even hit on her!
4. Yo mamma so fat she eats cookbooks!
5. Yo mamma so fat she was swimming in the ocean and Christopher Columbus stuck a flag in her and claimed her for Spain!
6. Yo mamma so fat she went to Weight Watchers and said "Give me the 5 year plan!"
7. Yo mamma so fat she dated Cap-N-Crunch just for the discount!
8. Yo mamma so fat her appetite has high cholesterol!
9. Yo mamma so fat she got pulled over by the cops and had a B.G.C (Blood Gravy Content) of .35!
10. Yo mamma so fat Ryans has a restraining order against her!
This is just a tip of the iceberg Wilmer. Bring it on!
CIA operatives recently pulled off a daring midnight raid (remarkably similar to the one last month in which the Iranian president's diary was spirited away, netting an exclusive story for the fabulously well-connected Scoffer staff) and, although they missed nabbing their target, Osama bin Laden, by mere seconds, they did manage to carry off a lode of his personal effects. Among those was bin Laden's i-Pod, selected contents of which this TDS reporter transcribes below:
* "You're Momma Don't Jihad, and You're Daddy Never Completed the Hajj"
* "Don't Tell My Heart, My AK-Breaky Heart"
* "Chicken Soup for the Holocaust Denier's Soul" (audio book--as read by Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinijad)
* "Take My Tenth Wife--Please!" (stand-up routine, recorded at the Islamabad Comedy Club, August, 2005)
* "Throw Your Turbans in the Air (Like Ya Just Don't Care)"
* "If the Tent is a'Rockin, then Don't Bother Knockin'"
* "Holy War for Dummies" (audio book)
* "Ullulate Your Way to a Slimmer You in Just Three Weeks!" (audio book, as read by Tony Robbins)
* "Polygamist's Blues"
* "Oops! I Jihaded Again..."
* "Hard Candy Hanukkah"
* "The Idiot's Guide to Pakistani Tribal Etiquette and Kandaharan Nightlife"
* "Drop It Like It's a Pipe Bomb"
* "Great Speeches of Hitler"
* "Great Speeches of Hillary Clinton"
* "SK8R Boi"
* "Phil Collins, Jon Secada, and Wayne Toups--The Other Three Tenors"
* "I Jihaded My Way"
* "You Can Call Me Al (Qaeda)"
* "All My Exes Live in Peshwar"
This, gentleman (i.e., our reader), has been yet another TDS exclusive...
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Every single person laid out in the ground here made the decision that my life was more important than theirs was. What are we to do with such ludicrous bravery? What can a putatively modern world do but stick such heroics in the earth and carry on, largely as though neither the bravery nor the brave themselves ever really existed?
We will put these fresh fearless into the dirt and we will cover them over and go home. But when the trumpet sounds some other time, let us never hold our minds back from recalling that the best of every generation go first into the grave--and this generation is no exception. There are no exceptions. Every free man's life is lived in taut tandem with another who died for him, who died so anonymously and so dutifully that we have even been granted the gift of living our days without thinking much about the price paid for them.
I shall not shake off, though I live a hundredyear, the mark that is on me. I am a lesser man, doubly so, because a greater man died for me, and because I didn't die for another in return.
Look out on this mowed pitch and take in, if you will, each white stone as the shape and thrall of a living person, clumsy and flawed and called out of their skin into glory. We must honor them, although our honor means nothing, and we must remember them always, even though our memory will always bring us shame.
What a long view they took--and what a shadow they cast, those who went first into a brand new day.
In Pace Requisicat
Below are some of the most commonly-cited reasons that dowries were returned in third-world countries:
* "No heifer, no daughter. Period."
* "You call THAT a curd cake, Mohammed?"
* "Let's see, one dinar, two dinars, three dinars--no sir."
* "What, you think you're the only farmer in town with surplus rutabagas to throw around?"
* "The deal was, three shoulder-fired SAMs for the girl. And you reneged on the deal. Now I'm afraid I'll have to introduce you to my friend, Mr. Car-Battery-and-Alligator-Clips..."
* "In what universe would a fake Sudanese passport and a couple of rounds for an AK-47 get you anythng more than an autographed picture of my daughter, Mahmoud?"
* "You slip me the billy goat, I'll slip you the daughter."
* "A yam, an adze, and the Time-Life coffee table book 'Profiles in Pocket Lint'? Obviously, Abu, you did not come prepared to deal..."
Commie president of one billion, three-hundred million satisfied, disenfranchised proletariat Hu Jintao visited Washington, D.C., last week, where he soiled our nation's capital with his Stalin-looplicking presence.
During a ceremony at the White House, Hu was visibly stunned and shaken when a protester yelled something known as 'the truth' at Hu as he slunk Cominternly across the White House lawn.
Adding to Hu's ire was the fact that the speaker of the truth was a practitioner of the very same religion, Falun Gong, whose adherents Hu spent his holidays (Stalin's Loop Day, Lenin's Arse-Polishing Day, Mao's Rump-Smooching Day, Hillary Clinton Day) gleefully persecuting.
In a rare break with diplomatic protocol, Hu called the truth 'a filthy running dog of capitalism, a capitalist roader, an imperialist devil, a revisionist rightist, an anti-revolutionary, an enemy of the Party, a foreign devil, a White Russian, a Brownshirt, a Greenshirt, and a dweeb'.
The truth, however, said it preferred quietly to speak for itself, as has always been its wont.
Hu, who, like every other Chinese person, has not heard the truth since 1949, when the last of the Guomindang army commanded by Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek fled to Taiwan, left the Land of the Free in quite a huff. And he vowed never to return.
But nobody believed him.
A mixture of controversy and musical chairs has surrounded the White House over the past several days as former Chief of Staff Andrew "I Will not Trade You For That" Card was replaced by Josh "Sooner Or Later I'm Gonna Be" Bolten. Since Bolten took his post on April 14th, several key White House positions have been changed. Opponents and Television Pundits alike have been calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld since before he had his 7th birthday, but the resignation of White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan came as a surprise. Many in the media looked favorably upon Mr. McClellan. CNN's Chief White House Correspondent Suzanne Malveaux said Mr. McClellan "Made the best sweet tea this side of the Mississip!" Fox News Anchor Brit "Gloom and Doom" Hume went on record saying that McClellan "Polished his Leather Chaps everyday like every good American should." Hume then added that any American who did not own a pair of Leather Chaps was a terrorist and should be flogged with a Rick James album.
Bolten named Mr. T to be McClellan's replacement late Wednesday night. Bolten refused to answer any questions, leaving the media to direct any questions towards the new Press Secretary.
I pity da...oh, nevermind. My favorite was the guy with the cigar anyway.
...with just a touch of North Brent, and a soupcon of Hormuz. Open three to five minutes prior to consuming to allow the full bouquet to develop. Ensure that the label says 'Citgo', so you can be sure that your purchasing dollars have gone to the looniest lefty in the Western Hemisphere, Herr Chavez.
And remember, your light, sweet, crude North Brent from the Hormuz distributor is delicately leveraged throughout with shifting machinations and insinuations of global power politics. Don't overcrowd your palate with anything else that might compete with your Hormuzian North Brent.
It's perfect just the way it is. It's perfect just the way it is. It's perfect just the way it is... You are getting sleepy. Oil will last forever. Why bother that your pump money is going to Hugo, or Ahmedanijad? You are getting sleepy...
It's perfect just the way it is.
After decades of blowing up Israeli children, Hamas decided on Saturday to start blowing up Israeli children, a startling change of tactic.
Hamas spokesman Mahmoud MahBeardIsA'Itchin' said at a press conference at the Hamas Better Bombing Bureau headquarters in Gaza that "we Palestinians must always be trying new things. Whereas last year we were blowing up Jews, this year we undertook a radical departure and began blowing up Jews. Also, we have a new slogan, viz., 'Death to Israel, Death to America'. Pretty catchy, huh? Bet ya never heard THAT one before, he he he--ALLLLLLLLLALALALALALALALALAHHHHHHHH! The End."
Does our reader know if the same stringent safety standards are adhered to in the Iranian labs? If it's the case that all Iranian nuclear workers are attired in loose-fitting flannel shirts and colorful bandanas, then the civilized world might not have to worry about using airstrikes to take out the nuclear team--they'll do all our hard work for us...
Long live the glories of the Islamic Republic! Long live the Muslims who seem never to have taken fifth grade science class!
In a stunning and unprecedented move the French government has capitulated on policy in the face of mild pressure, TDS has learned (after Time, CNN and the AP). On Monday "President" Jacques Chirac announced that he would replace the Youth Jobs Law championed by Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin that would have allowed French employers to fire workers under the age of 26. Prime minister Villepin was contacted for comment but his mouth was to full of crow to respond.
For the youths on the streets of France this is a victory in the face of a government attempting to gainfully employ and advance the car burning hordes. Said on rioting youth, "I am not sure why we are burning this car but I don't have a job so I am free for whatever. I sure wish that the Prime Minister would pass reforms so that I could get a job, buy a newspaper and form an intelligent opinion."
After 5,000 years of wallowing in a cultural vacuum, China finally got a taste of the upper crust of the arts when the Rolling Stones rolled into Shanghai for a one-night-only gig.
China, which for thousands of years has been able to come up with nothing better than a golden age of classical verse, a bevy of pioneering insights into the natural sciences, an encyclopaedic record of inventions and innovations, and the most intricate and nuanced writing system in the history of mankind, breathed a collective sigh of relief as the four enlightened gentlemen from England at long last graced the Middle Kingdom with their august presence.
Lead guitar player for the Rolling Stones Keith Richards, who doesn't look a day over "mummified corpse", summed up the experience nicely when he said, "Well, gippo larg a farg nargon, baby, yeah, rillony klive sprashta onogee cryptomeria... ha ha ha!" (The Chinese with whom this TDS reporter spoke all readily admitted to being bowled over by Mr. Richards' scintillating wit.) Richards, and front man Mick Jagger, delivered their pre-concert statements in a Shanghai hotel ballroom from a table that had been set up in front of a giant poster of a mouth with a tongue sticking out of it.
"This," said Jagger, gesturing towards the sign, "is the kind of high-brow art that the Chinese have been missing." He and his bandmates later proved good on their boasting by delivering stirring renditions of songs such as "Jumpin' Jack Flash", which deftly draws a parallel between a certain Mr. Jumpin' Jack Flash and a gas.
Brilliant.
As the protests in France enter their second week, TDS is pleased to offer its reader an inside glimpse of what, exactly, the righteous and wholly consequential French are in such high dudgeon about...
Jean-Pierre d'Ooohlala, an office manager from Lyons, reveals that "copy toner is just too darn expensive. Obviously, the only way to remedy this is to tinker with the free market. Of course, the end result will be that it will cost eleven billion dollars to buy a French-made truck in which to deliver the copy toner that has been discounted by eight cents, but, by golly, copy toner is just too darn expensive. So, as you can see, I'm taking the long view here."
Marie Antoinette Mais-Avec-la-Tete, a physicist in Paris, said: "Has anybody seen the atomic weight of hafnium? It's patently absurd. Until Chirac does something about it, I for one won't be touching even one mole of hafnium for research purposes (although I might still be persuaded to put on my hafnium drawers and dance the Macarena if I have too much barium cocktail at the office party this weekend, just like last year, sacre bleu)."
Robert Guilliame Et-Son-Chien, a kindergarterner from Cherbourg, told TDS that, "I cannot believe that we must nap for one hour each day. It is inhumane. Even the Iraqis get to nap for longer than that. Maybe the Americans could invade OUR country and give us longer breaks." (Robert's mother then quickly hushed the child up and begged this TDS reporter not to 'invite' the Americans to invade. Sure, lady, I'll be happy not to NOT publish your simpering words!)
Edouard du Je-suis-un-idiot, a grocer in Bordeaux, said that he wouldn't sell any more groces until the truckers who delivered his groces stopped striking. The truckers, by the way, are striking until the grocers start paying more for the delivery of all the groce. Good idea.
And, finally, Elanor Motley-crue-est-tres-bon-ne-c'est-pas, a housewife in Brittany, confided in TDS that she would not provide any nourishment to her husband or her children unless they started showing her "un peut respect, comme disait Aretha Franklin".
And that's the word from the front, folks. This TDS reporter wishes the French all the best in their heroic efforts to screw up a pretty good economy with moron leftwingedness. Just look at all the success Mao, Stalin, Uncle Ho, Fidel, and Che had!
...Hillary Clinton has a soul, John Kerry would have been a great president, Jimmy Carter was a great president, Palestinians who blow up Israeli kids are "martyrs", Katie Couric is not an inflatable doll, Hamas is gonna be fantastic, someone in the French government is finally going to tell the protestors to quit whining and go home, and golf is soooooooo exciting...
April Fool's!
Continuing protests in Thailand directed against beleaguered Thai president Mungalung Chibittacore are beginning to worry other countries in the region, anonymous TDS sources report.
In Suitland, for example, the prime minister expressed grave concern over the demonstrations, many of which have been marred by violence.
"Suitland is a traditional ally of Thailand," Prime Minister Willibee Willinilli said in an exclusive TDS phone interview. "If the Thai is bad, the Suit doesn't look good, either."
Spokesmen for the governments of Cummerbundland, Cufflinkland, and Slacksland also returned TDS calls, each of them conveying their uneasiness over the Thai situation and vowing to continue to monitor closely events as they develop.
However, members of Shortsandanoldwhitetshirtland's parliament, with whom TDS spoke this morning, said they weren't too "bummed about the whole thing", and furthermore said that "a serious north swell has got us all pretty stoked, so we're gonna knock off early and hit the waves."
This TDS reporter is dropping the mask of satire to issue a serious statement: Islam, you stink.
Abdul Rahman, an Afghani man who decided that he would rather entrust his eternal soul to the Son of God, who died, freely and with perfect humility and love, on a cross for man's sins, than to a lunatic Arab polygamist, child rapist, sodomizer, murderer, thief, and marauder (our boy Mohammed), is now awaiting death for it. So, this TDS reporter wishes to offer an injunction against the "Religion of Peace".
Islam, you stink. Your adherents quite literally stink. You have been a scourge upon mankind for thirteen hundred years. You stole Jerusalem, aped Aristotle, plagiarized the Jews, murdered Christians, oppressed the heroic Greeks, and, when your sickness had spread to the idiot Turks, you cleverly stored ammunition in the Parthenon while the Venetians were trying to dislodge your menace from the Western world. And you did all of this without bathing, in iself truly a remarkable feat.
Let this clarion denouncement ring through all of the free world. Let us finally delineate the conflict truthfully--it is civilization versus Islam, enlightenment versus oriental despotism, Christ's Army versus Satan's Minions. Let there be a new Crusade, and let Islam and its unwashed followers be finally driven back into the desert. This is not a call for ethnic cleansing; it is a call for ideological disinfection.
TDS reporters might be able to don the mask of satire again, perhaps soon. But today our blood is boiling, and our spite brooks no refraction through the lens of sarcasm.
Islam, you stink.
Co-stars to include Charles Lamb, James Hogg, and Lawrence Fishburne. Also featuring Swinburne in a cameo appearance. Produced by Lawrence Eagleburger.
Tickets on sale at the Fleischmann Civic Center, Butcher Street.
President Bush's recent visit to India underscored a question that has been lingering in the minds of this TDS reporter for many a long night, namely, why in the world haven't we given the boot to Pakistan yet?
Not only would dropping Pakistan from our list of friendly nations allow us to cooperate more broadly with India (the world's largest democracy), it would also afford us latitude to declare war on Pakistan, thus allowing us to invade and hunt for Osama bin Laden wherever and whenever we choose.
This reporter is bellowing a mighty "Huzzah!" for India--5,000 years old, and still best in show.
Recently unmasked by the liberal U.S. media as wielding absolute power over the weather (which led to intense criticism from Democratic lawmakers when he failed to stop last year's devastating storms that battered the American Gulf Coast), President Bush today declared that he stood prepared to unleash a "ferocious swarm of hurricanes" against America's enemies whenever the need may arise.
While Bush did not immediately identify potential targets by name, White House spokesman Scott McClellan hinted that Iran and Syria might be first on Mr. Bush's list.
"The President is prepared to let loose a withering onslaught of wind, water, and lightning against the enemies of freedom, wherever they may try to hide," McClellan said at a press conference earlier today.
When it was pointed out to McClellan that both Iran and Syria lie inland, McClellan retorted, "Well, I guess we'll just have to blow a lot of stuff apart on the way."
Thousands of unarmed, unbathed, and unemployed anti-war protestors took to the streets around the world this past weekend to protest the U.S. liberation of a filthy Muslim basket-case of a country that didn't deserve any of the help we gave it. Now that we've deloused the place (and its erstwhile leader), perhaps we should do one of two things:
1. Bring a handful of troops back from the Middle East and ask them to do us the favor of de-Cindy Sheehan-ing our fair country. I'd bet most soldiers would do so with glee.
2. Send the anti-war protestors to a country similar in hellhole-ishness to Iraq pre-March, 2003, and set the timer. My guess is that within fifteen minutes, they'd be on the horn to the Pentagon, begging the evil Donald Rumsfeld to liberate THEM.
Or, how about this: in the spirit of the baseball season that's just around the corner, let's trade all of our anti-war protestors for all of Iraq's brave freedom fighters--this would not only make the U.S. smell much better, but it would give us the added pleasure of being able to attack Iraq again as soon as the protestors had gotten settled in (being greasy hippies, they should be more than accustomed to living in tents without access to running water, so we wouldn't have to delay our pleasure for more than a couple of minutes).
The Daily Scoffer will gladly continue to cover this developing story--and we ask out dear readers, have you any suggestions for how we might better and more creatively welcome freedom-loving Iraqis while simultaneously disposing of anti-American garbage like Cindy Sheehan?
Baseball's Players' Union complains that the new device will leave players with nothing to do.
The following is an excerpt taken from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's daily schedule, which was spirited out of Iran by U.S. Special Forces:
27 Farvardin, 1385 [Gregorian calendar: March 16, 2005]
--Awake; thank Allah for sparing me the horrors of the bathtub.
--Breakfast of 'Infidel Flakes'(I got a special prize: a glow-in-the-dark turban clip).
--Ullulate while beating wives.
--Go to mosque; bend down and put nose dangerously close to the backside of another man who bathes only when it rains on him.
--Go to the office; busy cheating foreigners; call wives and command them to beat themselves until I go home for lunch.
--Home for lunch; have a hookah or two; do 35 reps on the weight bench; beat wives vigorously.
--Lavish attention on son; poke head out back door to see if coyotes have finally carried off daughter.
--Call cousin in New York City, ask him how the Mets are doing.
--Back to the office; chew the fat around the water cooler about fornicators, kiafiry, and whether Ross and Rachel will ever get back together.
--Yelled at by boss. (In unrelated incident, later return home and beat wives vigorously.)
--Quittin' time; it's O'Doul's-thirty.
--Pass by pizza parlor on way home, but don't fantasize about blowing myself up in it--must be losing my touch. (In unrelated incident, later return home and beat wives vigorously.)
--Dinner at "West Bank Burgers"--decide to supersize my 'Death to Israel, Death to America' combo.
--Go home; watch "The Rafsanjani Variety Hour" on the tube--that guy, what a card!
--Time for bed; pray for usual 'infidel blood running in rivers through the streets, suffering of Jews and Christians, miracle cure for male pattern baldness'.
--Briefly consider bath... Nah.
--Sleep like a log after a long day's jihadin'; (dream of beating wives vigorously).
Dear Daily Scoffer,
I read your blog with great pleasure, and I thought that I might take advantage of a little downtime to write in and tell you how much I enjoy TDS.
Also, I have a bit of a confession to make... I've been in 'Nam and Grenada, in Fallujah, Panama, and Islamabad, but, for this old leatherneck, Parker Lewis still can't lose. Pass it on.
Keep Scoffin'!
Frank Burnham
USMC
A Minnesota man, who requested to remain anonymous, delcared in an affidavit presented to the Minnesota Supreme Court last week that he did, indeed, write to several known bulk e-mailers in order to request more spam.
"I, Mark Rivers [sorry, Mark, there goes your anonymity], did knowingly and wilfully request additional bulk e-mails, colloquially known as 'spam', from infamous and egregious ringleaders in the bulk e-mailing field. The reason for this is simple--I am an impotent internet survey taker who, as the result of a strange disease, can consume nothing but printer ink, and who is also addicted to Red Lobster gift certificates that, though vigorously promised, never arrive. I throw myself at the mercy of the Court."
It is reported that Rivers, a pauper, is soon to become very rich as soon as the millions he inherited from a Nigerian gold mine tycoon are delivered into his bank account. Rivers reckons that his soon-to-be millionaire status is the reason why so many comely ladies send him provocatively subject-headed messages all day long.
Later had bald butts kicked by Cro-Magnon men, who were gripping clubs with their opposable thumbs and whaling on chimps with them.
Steve Rooney, 35, of Portland, Oregon, recounted to The Daily Scoffer this morning, in gruesome detail, the moment last week when he considered purchasing a pair of K-Swiss shoes after seeing them advertised on television.
"When a man reaches a certain point in his life," Rooney said, fighting back tears, "he feels he might be able to get away with certain things. He feels that maybe he can pull off wearing a pair of [shuddering violently] K-Swiss shoes. And that's just what happened to me.
"There I was, watching TV one night last week, when I saw a K-Swiss commercial. Normally my first reaction would have been unbridled scorn, but, hey, maybe I was feeling soft-hearted at the time, maybe I was feeling lonely, but, you know, for a second I thought--just for a second, mind you--that I might look good in those all-white shoes with the five thin fabric stripes running down the sides. I imagined myself on the deck of an expensive ship, I imagined myself sauntering up to a lovely blonde heiress on a Malibu tennis court, I imagined myself going in and out of tony shops on Fifth Avenue on a Saturday afternoon with a sweater draped over my shoulders and tied loosely in the front, all while wearing my K-Swisses. It was horrific, when I came to my senses, to realize how close I'd come to the edge."
At this point Rooney, racked with sobs, broke off the interview and abruptly ran out of the room, leaving behind only the terrifying residue of one man's fleeting desire to own soul-less, thrice-plagiarized, watered-down yuppie rehashings of long-ago-eroded-black-urban-verve-as-expressed-in-footwear, a pair of K-Swiss shoes.
In a joint announcement issued simultaneously in Tlaxcacquigalxilcaca, Mexico, and Xiaoquan, China, Mexican and Chinese officials declared that a 'friendly but compelling' rivalry existed between their two nations as they each vie to become 'Country with Most Xs and Qs in Its City Names'.
Also from the AP wire: Geography teachers in the world's English-speaking countries continue to list Lake Titicaca, situated between Bolivia and Peru, as 'Lake Whose Name Is Most Likely to Arouse Hilarity among Middle- and High-School Students'.
The autopsy carried out on former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic after his death on Saturday has failed to find any evidence of a heart, doctors with the Hague reported this morning.
"There was an icy, coal-black cavity where the heart should have been, but no traces of the organ itself could be found," announced Sven Korbelmacher, chief doctor-in-residence for the court.
In related news, former president Bill Clinton yesterday issued a statement pertaining to the passing of Milosevic, which read: "Slobodan Milosevic's arrest and trial should serve as a sobering warning to other heads of state that high crimes and misdemeanors carried out while in office will be punished...to...the...fullest...umm, that is to say, Long Live the Slobe!"
Clinton, who spent hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars ridding the world of the scourge of a Sudanese ballet shoe factory shortly after his relationship with aide Monica Lewinsky was made public, was, unlike Slobodan Milosevic, a moral and upright man.
The Daily Scoffer was going to call her for a statement, but then we thought, "Ahh, what does it matter what SHE says?"
Have you ever seen either one wearing Sunday shoes? Or, do you reckon they've both 'kicked them off'?
And if that's not enough to convince you, consider that neither Kenny Loggins nor Sasquatch have had a hit record since 1987...
It's yet another Daily Scoffer scoop.
Read any good inspirational books lately? If so, chances are the book you were holding had a marbleized cover, as 'marbleized', the old industry workhorse, overwhelmingly beat out all other styles to become the most popular inspirational book cover of 2005.
The closest runner-up, 'leopard bloodily devouring wayward hyena', had only three titles to its credit, compared with marbleized's seven hundred and thirty-two, and those were due only to the surprising popularity of Wayne Simmons' breakout series "Why Bad Things Happen to Good Hyenas", which hovered near the bottom of The New York Times' bestseller list for eleven weeks over the summer.
Ninety-nine funeral homes out of one hundred choose elaborate, ornate cursive for all signage and lettering, a recent industry survey found. Most funeral home directors believe that a more elegant style conveys a message of dedication and professionalism, which is likely to be a welcome reassurance to the bereaved.
However, in a bucking of the trend personified by Rick LaLooley, owner of Rick's Boxes for Stiffs in Riverside, California, some funeral homes are choosing bold, sans serif fonts, and even neon, for their lettering.
"Yeah, well, you gotta hook folks and reel 'em in", said LaLooley when The Daily Scoffer contacted him for a phone interview. "I mean, even though they're dead, they still wanna have fun, and Rick's gives 'em a death they don't have to mope about. Goin' to the afterlife? Make it a happenin' affair!"
None of the dead people whom The Daily Scoffer attempted to contact were available for comment.
Eager to capitalize on the success of its latest venture into awkward acronyming, the Patriot Act (which stands for "Punting Arab Traitors Right In ye Olde Testicles"), Congress today unveiled a new bill that, if passed in the Senate and signed by the President, would make law the Krzyzewski Act. The Krzyzewski Act is aimed at curbing a dangerous trend in large-fauna stampeding; 'Krzyzewski', in this case, stands for "Killing Red Zooming Yaks Zooming Egregiously While Skewering Kids' Innards".
When asked to comment on the possibility of signing the bill into law, President Bush said, "Heh heh, I'm proud to have pockets, and I'm proud to keep bills in them until they expire. I believe our greatest president, Arville Jackson, coined the word 'pocket veto', and that's just what I intend to do, heh heh."
Congress, in response to the President's comments, immediately began drafting legislation that, if ratified, would be known as the 'Staphylococcus Act', 'Staphylococcus' standing for "Suddenly, Tom And Paul Helped Yolanda Lower Oily Curtains On Calm, Collected, Unsuspecting Senators".
And that's the truth, folks.
Shortlty after reaching the much sought after OT III level of Scientology, Cruise shocked the world and Scientology buffs alike when he announced he was leaving the religion. "I really began to question my own personal beliefs, and the beliefs that I have brainwashed people into following," Cruise told The Daily Scoffer in an exclusive interview over the weekend, "I guess I finally came to the realization that I was never really good in Science back in middle school, and I just cannot continue to live this lie." He went on to add that "I was excellent in P.E., so I felt joining P.E.ology was a much better fit for me and my minions, uh I mean family." Apparently in order to become a member of the P.E.ology Church, one must pay thousands of dollars for audits, which is a very similar process found in Scientology. But instead of auditing your soul, P.E.ology audits your old smelly gym socks and tests your abilities in the following areas:
1) V Stretch
2) Floor Hockey
3) Getting ready to return back to class without showering
4) Dodgeball
5) Removing painted-on shorts of P.E. Teacher
If you would like any more information concerning P.E.ology, please visit www.woofleballrocks.com.
Kofi Annan, whose son has long been fighting American and British allegations linking the Annans to the now-infamous 'oil for food' scandal at the United Nations, has finally mounted a counter-attack; in a blistering speech delivered to the UN Press Corps, Annan has accused his detractors' nations of being involved in what Annan describes as a 'shameless labor-for-wage arrangement'.
According to Annan's allegations, Americans and Britons have been trading their own labor for money, and have also been encouraging other nations to participate in the practice, which Annan calls 'disgraceful'. Although Annan's description was vague, apparently certain citizens of capitalist countries 'work', and are then 'paid' for it. "This is a violation of the basic principle of the United Nations, which calls for handouts to all and responsibility taken by none, and a slap in the face of all decent shiftlessness for which this great institution stands," said Annan in one of the more fiery passages from his account.
American and British delegations were unavailable for comment as this issue went to press--it seems that most of them were 'working'.
In a much needed attempt to rekindle the flame of public attention, Mrs. K-Fed surprised the many participants of today's Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday. Spears, who has received a myriad of negative attention lately, decided Mardi Gras was the perfect time to re-connect with her fan base. Considering Spears' fan base consists of 12-year-old girls and Sorority Step-Show Participants, its makes perfect sense for her to make a comeback at this event, cuz all her peeps r gonna b there...booyah!
On a lighter note, Spears accidentally threw her infant child over the balcony to a screaming fan. When asked about the incident, she said "I thought it was a plastic cigar."
Every North Korean wants to be a member of the country's rubber-stamp assembly someday, extrapolated data from a recent poll indicate.
In a survey of one thousand North Koreans, every single respondent answered in the affirmative when asked if they would like to join the powerless band of obsequious geriatrics whose sole function is to applaud when North Korean dictator Kim "Don't Mess with My Nodong" Jong-Il enters their assembly hall, and to continue applauding until he leaves.
However, in what would appear to be a statistical anomaly, all one thousand respondents also said they wanted to join the North Korean army. And, every surveyee polled expressed a desire to lick the miraculous boots of the world's most towering genius, Dear Leader Kim "American Spies Are Ruining Our Lovely Marxist Economy" Jong-Il. The discrepancy was partially rectified, though, by an explanation given by several of those polled, who said that their true wish would be to join the army, applaud pointlessly, AND lick Kim's blessed boots all at the same time.
Kim "My Nodong is Bigger than Your Nodong" Jong-Il expressed grudging satisfaction with the poll's results, but remarked that it "could have been more unanimous". Then he slaughtered a hecatomb of North Korean peasants, feasted on their carcasses, and whiled away the afternoon watching reruns of 'Starsky and Hutch' and playing video games with his favorite concubine's brood of illegitimate half-breeds.
Vive la Revolucion!
Apparently inspired by the efficacy of fatwas issued by mullahs in other parts of the world, talk show host and media tycoon Oprah Winfrey experimented with a fatwa of her own during yesterday's broadcast of her syndicated day-time vehicle, 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'.
"Ya'll know Oprah is rich as Croesus--ya'll know that's true, umm-hmm," Ms. Winfrey said at the beginning of yesterday's show. "And this little black girl from Mississippi, by duping sappy housewives into believing that buying copies of my magazine will give their lives some semblance of purpose, has amassed so great a fortune that she now feel she be ready to issue a fatwa. So, here it is, ya'll--I hereby issue a fatwa against carbs and all carb-related products. May Allah's wrath descend swiftly and furiously upon them!"
(At this point, Winfrey was extremely disappointed that bolts of lightning did not shoot from her upraised, clenched fists, sources close to Winfrey reported on condition of anonymity (I mean, who wants to admit to being friends with Oprah?).)
It is unknown if Allah's wrath descended, and, if it did, with what degree of swiftness and fury, upon any carbs or carb-related products following Oprah's spirited denunciation.
Mullahs in the real Islamic world, after hearing of Winfrey's experimental fatwa, immediately issued fatwas of their own, calling for Oprah to be murdered and her body to be strung up from the nearest minaret for the glory of Islam, a religion of peace and mercy, peace be upon the prophet Mohammed and his low-carb lifestyle.
In order to combat sliding movie ticket sales, Universal Picturues has announced their new summer line up for 2006.
1. "How Stella Traded Her Groove For a Six Pack Of Vasoline And Some Fly Swatters"
2. "The Dabney Coleman Story"
3. "Sodom And Gomorrah: An Epic Love Story"
4. "Dr. UseForce or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Drop The Bomb On Iran"
5. "Indian Jones and The Danish Cartoon"
Please stay tuned for future releases!
Mere hours after the first reports were released that Vice President Cheney "accidentally" shot fellow hunter and friend Harry Whittington, White House Press Sec'y Scott McClellan announced plans for the next VP's hunting trip. "WE here at the White House would like to extend a general invite to Senator's Hillary Clinton and John Kerry to join Mr. Cheney on his upcoming hunting trip," McClellan said at a press conference Tuesday morning, "This is perfect opportunity to put all of our partisan disagreements behind us and hit the woods for some good ole fashion killin'." When asked why Earth, Wind and Fire were invited McClellan stated "The group made a 'Dick and Bush' comment in the 2004 Presidential Election and we would like to extend our welcome hand and let that be water under the bridge, plus Mr. Cheney needs to really do something about all these wild-fires in California." The Press Secretary had no further comment on why Vedder and Sarandon were invited, but he did add "Pretty much anyone from Hollywood and the left side of the Senate were invited, and Brian Boitano just for the Olympic spirit." The trip will supposedly take place on White House grounds later this week.
After several European newspapers printed political cartoons depicting, among other things, the prophet Mohammed with a bomb in his turban, thus implying that Islam is a religion of violence, Muslims around the world took to the streets in defense of their beloved faith. Many, in order to demonstrate the essential eirenic nature of their creed, threw stones, smashed windows, turned over cars, looted businesses, tore "Do Not Remove" tags off of pillows and mattresses, set fires, ransacked embassies, hurled debris, attacked police officers, and blew up wedding parties.
"We are here to show the world that Islam is a peaceful religion," said Omar Omari, a Nablus resident who was among the demonstrators in Palestine on Saturday. "We are detonating ourselves and others, and will continue to do so until the world realizes that Islam is for peace, and nothing else."
Some bewildered residents of New York City expressed confusion over such claims as Omari's, however; Beth Miller, who works on Wall Street, said she seems to remember that the last time Muslims were so peaceful, two buildings mysteriously collapsed in the middle of downtown Manhattan.
"Thank goodness Islam is so just and serene," Miller said. "Otherwise, there could really be trouble."
In response to a rare public-relations hitch, Goodwill Industries has bowed to public pressure and has agreed to stop selling secondhand smoke at all of its outlets nationwide. The move was hailed by health and consumer advocacy groups as a major step towards eliminating secondhand smoke in the workplace.
As Lou Fogerty, spokesman for Goodwill, explained to The Daily Scoffer in a phone interview conducted on Thursday, "We at Goodwill, though dedicated to bringing secondhand items to the American public at reasonable prices, recognize that, in this particular instance, the carcinogenic-ness of secondhand smoke takes predecence to its secondhanded-ness, no matter how secondhand it may be, and compels us to forgo selling it in any of our stores. Those of our customers who wish to obtain secondhand smoke at below-wholesale prices will, in the future, have to look elsewhere for it."
Pro-secondhand smoke political action committees, however, branded Goodwill's move "a slap in the face to all Americans who want good old-fashioned lung cancer without having to pay for it". "Is nothing free anymore?!?", one secondhand smoke hobby newspaper (The Carbon Monoxide Moocher) decried.
The Daily Scoffer will continue to monitor the situation, and will, according to custom, report all secondhand news it receives as though it were iron-clad fact.
